Alright. These lyrics are going to go in the first half:



nostalgia is all I need

Please take me back to sault ste marie

I met an older woman there

Her god was art Her art was what she did

This Mod lifestyle id never seen before

smoking cloves on a southern porch

selling japanese imports

I met a few men who inspired me

Completely stunned by what I could possibly be

Spreadin the love, thats arcadia for yeah

you can thank matt, now its yours, yeah its for you...

Nostalgia, it buries me

Mother fucking memories

I wrote a song today, with some people. Writing a song with help from someone is sort of like being in love. No, I dont know what I mean by that.

This is basically awesome

someone once said their bed smells like perfection. I never smelled the little bits of plastic.

erm. my room is upgraded. I like it here. I should write more music now, hopefully. work. more hours=less of me doing what I love, less hours=debt. hmm.

yeah. Ive been having some really good late night conversations lately. I think things are going ok with that. Xmas started bad and ended well. I am loved by soo many people. Thank you everyone. And yet I look for more in the future. yeah. Adam green!

sit around
whenever you want


Dont trust yourself
to find the good stuff out there

why do you want to hear about love?
why do you want to hear about hate?
why do you want to hear about sex?

consume all you can in this world
soo much will never reach you

but smile smile, always smile
let all you see teach you

I know why you want the sex
I know why you want the hate
I know why you want the love

and dont forget that thats ok.

I feel unsettled. I want things; I want you. Desire does that- unsettles me. I still enjoy a lot of stuff... I just dont feel satisfied. I once wrote that in order to be an artist you cant really ever be satisfied. I find myself saying ironic things.

I need to learn to be satisfied with never being satisfied.

just whatever you do, dont tell me to get over it. I would rather not suppress. I would rather fall in love blindly, arrogantly, selfishly, rudely, ignorantly. As long as im trying!

I need to measure myself by what I do.

im still here. Im still here. Im still here.

Im still facing the same problems; but they all look and feel different if I dont think about it too much. Some things have gotten better. Ive gotten better at handling the ones that havent. Im at once happy with the way things are going and anxious for how they could change.

SO basically just another day. I have something in common with someone who doesnt act like me a lot: we both get caught up in the moment, emotionally speaking.

alright.

I made a mix CD!

Fuck this Im going with my gut.

I get that feeling sometimes.

Maybe?

HAHAHAHH!

Hot and sticky. Sitting on a bench, waiting. Waiting for someone. Scared... no. Anxious. The feeling that you aren't really living in a the moment your body is in. You are already in that moment you are looking forward to. Even though you cant predict the details of what will happen, it feels like its already happening. Then, its happening. And you still cant really feel right. You feel like you are remembering it, not experiencing it. Its so strange. Then you walk home, wearing a white t-shirt. She gave it to you. It smells like her; the smell triggers something. Only as you walk home, you start feeling like its happening. You close your eyes, and you are experiencing it for the first time.

Something sad I caught myself thinking:

Whats the point of being alone if everyone things you are just feeling sorry for yourself?

Yeah. ironic how im thinking about other peoples impressions of me when im thinking about being alone.

so strange
that
being a loner
is a part of who I am
just as much as being
a needy person.

i think
a
shift
of sorts is happening.

I come out of myself, kicking and screaming, showing people things in my head. Trying to be understood. Accepted. et cetera!

Trying to share how it feels to experience certain things.

For various reasons -both my own and otherwise- I feel like its not working.
so. I need to improve my own understanding of this mind exploding cosmic thing im aware of dimly. I need some time to muse. Some isolation. reduction of distractions. I think thats one reason I removed the video games from my PC. Im going to get a better sense of myself, and hope

Get Nice

By Spoon.

A good album. proggy, in that you really need to hear the whole thing for it to "work". go listen to it and lemme know how you liked it!

I am sick of stupid people.

I dunno. I was just reading up on wireless energy transfer, and we now have the technology to power most household electronics wirelessly - with zero harm to people. your computer, and all things your computer would plug into-keyboards, monitor, speakers, all that stuff- could be WIRELESSLY powered. this brings up a lot of really cool possibilities. anyhoo, when I get caught up in cool stuff like this, I cant help but annoyed with people online talking ignorantly about stupid shit.

Random Facebook thought

Ok, so, you cant post on a group or band page or event or whatever unless you join or plan to attend it. So, people who really dislike the subject matter dont really get heard, because they dont want to support it by joining.

Basically, thats means its an echo chamber of people who agree with each other.

Man.

ive recorded something.

yes.

I was playing piano on Bashu's keyboard while sitting at the computer, and when someone messaged me, I accidentally tried to type on the musical keyboard!!
random

Whats a useful way to get rid of anger?

I can get worked up something fierce sometimes.

yeah.

Also,

hmm.

Im working now!


Goals:

Microphones, notepads, computers, loop pedals, smiles, and ideas.

Nah, more!

more than that, I want soo much from everyone. I get more than most, and I want more. I want to be surprised. I want to be caught up in something. I want to WIN. I want to be heard. I dont want to have to take anyone's shit. EVER. I want to fantasize out loud, in the hopes that it might just come true by telling people about it. I want respect. I want to be proud of things I do. I want to smile more. I smile now, though. Its not hopeless. I just get caught up in nostalgia sometimes. I think I may be a romantic, and I'm caught up in things that make me happy and hurt me.

Compare the importance of expressing yourself for yourself with the importance of being understood.

its like, ok, ive written a song or something. I play it, and I like the way it sounds. ive satisfied my personal needs now. but what compels me to play it for people, talk about it, put it online etc?

funny thing about expression for me, its like I need to show it to people. Like i dont fully understand my expression, so I put it out in public so people can see. maybe they can help me understand it.

Had a good conversation on the bus today, Thanks, seth!

Did you know that I love love love Sergio Leone? His movies connect with me on a level I really like feeling. I'm watching "Once Upon A Time in the West" with commentary for the first time.

Yeah!

if you want the movie, i can lend it to you.

:)

This is fuckin hilarious! and they are from BC too.

And one more, right here.

Also, please listen to Dressed Up For The Letdown, by Richard Swift. the whole album is really really well done.


"BARR: "Context Ender"

Ever talk to someone you dont know? I ended up having an amazing conversation. He wasn't weirded out by having someone he didn't know open up to him on the spot. He just went with it, and it worked.

Listening to BARR can have that effect on you. BARR is the moniker for Brendan Fowler, a musician/performance artist/slam poet/whatever from L.A. Brendan went to high school (and subsequently came on tour ) with members of Animal Collective, and is a regular at The Smell, along with No Age and Xiu Xiu.I don't really know how to review this song. My first instinct is to tell you to go listen to it yourself, because he reviews it within the song, quite literally.

The first 50 seconds of the song are sparse; slow, simple, heavy piano, carefully moving along Brendan's urgent whispering:

i dont even know how to hear it; how to listen
im not even sure what it sounds like i mean
i know it has a sound it sounds like something
im just not sure what
what does it look like

Ok. Self-referential. Where is he going with this? Brendan doesn't sing, but doesn't quite rap. He rants exactly what he thinks, a seemingly raw stream-of-consciousness style that can embarrass the listener. Then the beat comes in. The piano begins to march, incessant and lingering on a single repeated note while the bass echoes the opening piano. The drums add some variety, enough to fill out Brendans voice. As the song continues, its clear that the words are the focus of BARR, hes throwing his mind at you, talking about circumstances and context; how they define you. The beauty of this song may also grate: he packs more philosophical meaning per-second in this track than a conventional musician could, at the cost of subtlety. There is no ambiguity about this song, these words, this message. Sometimes it feels like you are reading an interview with Brendan about existentialism rather than hearing a song, and he knows it. This is why this song is so hard to describe, let alone evaluate. Like he says:

but you only liked it cause you heard it with him
and the speakers sounded perfect
and you were over the other stuff

So, yeah. check it out for yourself."

Heres a review of a song I submitted to a website as a way to apply to be a critic there.

Didnt really work out, but hey, here was what I wrote.

"Colourbook: “Spout/Bec”

What do you want to know about Colourbook? They are from Victoria, BC. They worked full-time, and play shows until they had enough money to tour. Then they toured, and worked their asses off playing for anyone and everyone they could get to in Canada. Now they have a nice sized fanbase and find themselves opening for Eric’s Trip somewhere in Ontario. For you non-Canadians out there, this is a big deal. Anyway, these guys are in the embryo stage of “breaking out”- I expect more and more people to mindlessly name-drop them as the months go on, for better or worse. But lets get to the song, shall we?

They know how to play rock guitar. Its fast and crunchy. They know how to make bass matter. Its got a counter-melody, not a bass-line (trust me, there is a difference). They make use of shakers, tin cans, and the occasional drumset. They wail, and they sing. Add some horns here and there. Ok, so what? Well, they know how to mix them!

As the song starts, we get some shakers and a muted guitar part. The bass comes in carefully, slowly, quietly. The wailing starts, and after a few seconds you realize what you are getting into. The lead singer sounds like someone else, but you don’t care who. The guitars are sailing off like hyperactive chainsaws, if chainsaws could be really harmonic AND aggressive. The shakers and the hi-hat and the random shit they found lying around mix together with the guitar to make something you haven’t heard before. Or maybe you have, and you just don’t care for the duration of the song. They pick you up, they shake you around, and then they put you down. That’s where Spout ends. Next we get about 50 seconds of the band laughing and talking to each other, and we think it’s over. We hear a guitar fumbling around, and you can almost imagine him sitting on a couch, goofing around. Then the drums catch on, and you realize this is going somewhere. Then… Holy Shit! Two for one! Bec is more melodic, with the singer (Aaron Bergunder, if you are curious) letting his singing come to the front for a while. Add a cathartic, guitar-and-trumpet led fanfare, slowing down, leading us towards a tired smile and a feeling of contentedness.

I don’t usually dance, but I would dance to this. I think this song is a pretty great anthem; im expecting it to be kind of a big deal when this whole Colourbook thing catches on."

hmm. man, you loval fans deserve better. maybe ill pre-write some posts for this weekend. Yeah. that sounds cool. Ill do that. I hope i have a good weekend... im seeing my cousin for the first time in a while.

Oh and

I saw Tropic Thunder. I say it was alright, never really hit hard, but didnt suck that horribly either.

ok, im going to be gone this weekend. im going to something, erm. something worth going to. also, im working hard at finding a job, it seems to be looking up. also... hmm. yeah. life is alright. mmhm ayup. oh and the band! we are starting to look at some songs I wrote, which is pretty cool! yeah, and another band from the area just got a really, REALLY sweet deal playing shows. more on that later.

Love!

alright so a busy week we got here. Things and things and things. And things. and money! yes. maybe..? i dont know. I liked the show; it was really fun. Now what? not sure.

Im not doing very good at daily posts lately, sorry.

Oh hey! The DC (Thats me and my friends) are playing a show tomorrow at the Arts Council tomorrow. BE THERE!

Yeah!

WOO!

alright.


Also... Love

I dont know if this is something I can put words to, but here we go.

*cracks knuckles*

Sometimes I think that when you feel in love, or nostalgic for love, or just wishing you were in love so bad that you feel an emotion specific to wishing for it... I think it all could be related to when you were younger. or maybe several times. What Im talking about are the times between the ages of 13-17 or so when you get caught up in some kind of wobbly romance. The first one who liked you back. How did it feel the first time you cared about someone that much, and they cared right back? It seemed like the whole world then. Your world was smaller, other people controlled big chunks, so all you paid attention to was your friends, your daily life, and all the things affecting you. School. Hanging out. Parties. How to spend the freedom you had. All organized. Then SMASH what does it feel like? What is this? You had so many things planned out. So much was planned. You knew you would be here at this time this year and there at that time next year. Maybe that makes us yearn for a sort of freedom, or chaos. And your first love does that. You are faced with new feelings, ones that shake around and change what you thought mattered to you. That sense of wonder you get experiencing things for the first time is something sacred. You think and think and hope and wish and you focus your mind like a laser beam, because there are less things to worry about. So the love has so much passion.

I wanna tap into that. That's why I hunt for songs that make me feel like that. Right now? All The Lights Went Out by Marcy Playground.

Alright.

LOGICAL ARGUMENT

Baby, ive got so much going for me. Look at these words, see how they fit. Doesnt it seem like they sound good? Ive laid it all out. this therefore this therefore this. How can you not love me? it makes so much SENSE.

EMOTIONAL ARGUMENT
Baby, listen to this song. it makes me think about you.

(the emotional argument is really hard to put into words, because its not about the words. Its body language and music and touching, and also the way you say things, the tone of your voice, your eyes and where they are pointed, your facial muscles etc. hazy things; misinterpretable things, but also very very powerful things.

"It Moves"

By bodies of water.

What else is there to say?

Oh, I know. what is it exactly? that added feeling you get when you hear a song that you have seen performed live. Or one where you have met the band. what does it do to your impression of the song? something to think about.

Alright so what next?
Get a job!!!!

also...

hmm. some small changes. my comp is in my room now. Its nice. Im still in a band. we still play shows. some commitment is nice sometimes. Hmm.

Without limitations
Without desire
Without understanding

I don't understand the desire to live without limitations. But there really aren't many. So we are responsible for how we feel. Assert, but don't hurt. Right? I don't know. Who chooses which is meaningful? How does popular opinion measure against one person who touches you personally?

And what about not liking something? What happens when you think something is useless, pointless, annoying, stupid? What do you do when you are sick of something? How does being yourself stack up against treating people well? Master your own mind and you will be free.

I wish I could control what my mind has to deal with. Sounds, words, things you see- you don't control them, so they can hurt you. offend you. annoy you. make you angry, confused. Angry mostly, for me.

I dont know...

Man its not easy, and im a little surprised I thought it would be. I cant really tell much right now, but I know i am stressed and angry and hurt and sad and scared. but right this instant, I feel like im accomplishing something worthwhile. More info as I figger out what the hell is going on

see? this shit aint new. Frank Zappa, motherfucker.

Try therefore.

Add the word "therefore" to any statement you make that is defeatist or negative.

This is a problem that is caused by this and it makes me feel like this.

Those words can really hurt you if you just let it sit.

Try therefore!

This is a problem that is caused by this and it makes me feel like this. Therefore...

It leads your mind to look for an action. Something. ANYTHING. Then you start to feel better.

Ask yourself:

Am I respecting myself?

Am I fulfilling my desires?

Am I loving myself?

Ask yourself this before a decision, and I promise you will feel better about it.

"You like it cause its trendy."

"No, that would be dumb, because it wouldn't have anything to do with its own merit, it would be a choice based on wanting to fit in with something"

"Well, then you like it because you think it makes you different/unique/special to be the kind of person to like this"

"No, that would be dumb, because I want to have a personality that I discover through the experiences and emotions evoked from occurrences in life. I don't want the reverse; that I would feel forced to identify with something because my personality "should".

"Well then why do you like it?"

"I just do! I experience it and for what it is, whatever THAT is, I feel good"

Purity

Everything I do seems to distance me from it.

Music is some sort of flawed tribute to silence.

But despite how negative I describe it, it feels good. Real good. its just interesting to distill and realize that a blank canvas, silence, the ocean, and stars all scream at you how there IS purity, and no, you cant have it.

By the way...

I know the stars aren't blank, but somehow they feel as pure as emptiness. I cant really explain. Something about the subtlety and complexity, I suppose.

And when I say ocean, I mean the way endless waves look and feel. A surface in a state of constant uniform and chaotic flux is pure too.

I will worship these things, and I will never attain them. and in my fascination, I will create things. and I will feel better for it.

The show? great. My life? Confusing. I feel like i am going to get caught soon. Im not a horrible person.

It was a good show.

BIG show tomorrow. and Im singing! singing My Moon My Man of all things.

It feels so good

To step back

and wash some goddamn dishes.

It feels so right

To stop playng Warcraft 3

and clean my computer desk.

It seems so cool

To take a walk outside.

And yes, I feel better

Once ive played a little music.

And after a little music, it leads to a little more.

Then my hands hurt. Then my lips hurt. Then my throat hurts. Then I listen to some music, and maybe love some people. Then I feel better. Too many voices, too many thoughts, too many people saying to many things at too much volume, and I cant handle it sometimes! I wish the perfect person was here, so I could relax.

Hey!

don't lose sight?

Dont hide?

I like you better when you treat me nice.

Thats because Im a human, and thats what we do!

selfish?fuck yea!

I dont know.

Fuck! I missed band practice! ill come later, but still. fuck!

anyway im job hunting right now, pestering one place for a job, or at least comfirmation of something.

seeya!

PS the katimavik kids in pville are alright.

PPS listen to beirut more.

Watching more Hal Heartley movies now...

In "Trust", its suggested that love is a combination of respect, admiration, and trust. Im not saying I agree, but i like to think about it.

wont you come outside


Kurt Vonnegut

By Born Ruffians.

Funny, When I had heard this song for the first time, I had never heard of the man. Ive read a few of his books, and I feel profoundly lucky to have. Its crazy... I could talk about this song as a link to this author, and how amazing that is, or the song itself, and how much I love it. they are connected... I think. anyway, I feel compelled to do something with it, mabye mix it or something. especially the last 2 minutes or so.

yeah.

also, things are changing, which is always nice. I feel fluid. I have more things to worry about, but I find myself actually worrying less overall. Being careless means being in love more. Love in that I can live and not worry. loops.

So, you grew into your tits.

Alright.

Good evening everything.

I am a little off today, but not in a bad way. Just... lots of new things happening to me lately. But I love that, I truly do!

When I get lost in the moment. That is a moment of clarity. Lets just listen to music together at night, at a party. Lets just listen to music together in the morning, after a walk. Lets just listen to music together immediately after something horrible happens. Lets just listen to music together.

Lets listen and hear and feel and take our time. we wont talk, but we will communicate with words. Not the words you choose, only the ones that sort of come out of you. Lets be near each other when we feel like this. Lets hang out hoping these moments happen. Lets write these songs and feel in love when we play them. Lets smile and scream.

RESTART!

RESTART!

i fucked up. bright side? RESTART!

lets focus on music.

gunna get my complotz fixed, then go crazy on supermusiclife.

Torrents + proper file management = superavailable music forever.

Also:

We all wanna transcend, right?
some want to inspire, others want to be inspired.
the leader needs the followers,
the speaker needs the crowd.
the author needs the readers,
and I need you.
I need you to be here, because I need to matter!

WOOO!

I tried, and I try. and Im smiling.

Love! what are you? who are you? are you even there? its inside me. love, that is.

Its ok.

Im in a band and im lucky. Women have loved me, and Im lucky. a few still do, and im lucky. I have bashu, and im lucky. I have music, and im lucky. everything will work out.

G

G

That feeling,

Hmm. How to put it.

Listen to "Paper Tiger" by Spoon. Now, when you get to the part where
he says "and I will be there with you when you turn out the light."

Alright. So that feeling right there, that's what im trying to say. I
love you! I love so many people and so many ideas. I chase what makes
me feel closer to that moment in that song. Selfish, sort of. Being on
stage and being with you. What does it have in common? Feeling like
you are finally understood. Like you are getting across exactly what's
in you, deep down.

Currently playing:

FIRE EMBLEM

marvel vs capcom 2 when i can get it working... and... err...

FFTA2 for ds.

YAY TACTICAL STUFF!

Also im playing a show this saturday at The Mermaid's Mug at 7pm. 5$ at the door, BE THERE!

"I want to live a life of romance and adventure!"

"There's no such thing as romance and adventure. Just desire and trouble. It's desire that gets you into trouble."

"Dwell on uncomplicated beauty: The landscape, the sun on your face. Nothing touches you. Keep the image of your death cheerfully before you at all times. Gain perspective. Seek to clarify and comfort, not to obscure or mystify. Your aspirations are pointless; your ambitions come to nothing."

Stolen from Hal Heartley

FUCK YOU RELATIVISM!

The subjectivity of everything may be factual, but it can depress, too.

I want meaning! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!

hahahahahahhaha!


yeah.


do you see what it is now?


Its nothing.

I feel like life is meaningful when you Get It when I freak out all over you and your mind.

I feel like life is meaningful when I dont have to apologize to myself. EVER.

Fucking high on life. Except its more like Manic freaking out on life. Also, im listening to the new TV on the Radio album presently. and yeah. Thinking about it all. and how it fits. and how much there is.

"there is so much space on this earth full of whatever you're looking for"

OK, but that makes it hard to even look.

IF its all there, just waiting for you, how can you even figure out what to do?

What if the answer to every question you ever asked was YES, and you knew this? HOW COULD YOU EVEN be? Love.


Love.

LOVLEOVLEOVLOELVOLVOELVLVELOLVOVLEOVELOVELOEVLVEOLVEOLVEOVLEVL

Love. Evolve. Evolve Love.

"I feel alive"


"Why's that?"


"I can't explain"


"Why not?"


"It's not something I might be able to explain properly. It's like, imagine you just saw a really great movie, but it was a strange movie also. The characters weren't easy to understand right away. Each scene taught me something about them, but it wasn't as simple as them staring at the camera and giving tired one-liners. Things like subtlety of language, things like body language, and most importantly, their faces- the way each facial feature coupled with their eyes seemed to hint at so much of their emotions- they all show so much and yet still give you space to feel connected to the characters by learning about them."

"Yeah, I think I know what you mean, but the people I know in real life are like that! People aren't like Tobey Maguire in the Spiderman movies or the countless lead characters in cookie-cutter romantic comedies- they are complex people. Sometimes they wish they had said something differently, they don't always know what's right to do or what they truly want. So why do these movies mean so much to you?"

"Music. When you combine all that- depth of emotion and sincerity- with a certain kind of music, it does something amazing that I can't explain. It's like when you are at home listening to music, and one song triggers something in your head, and you get a moment of clarity about some emotional thing you have been thinking about. That's why I feel like that, and that's why those movies do that."

Had a good day today. Went swimming! havent gone swimming in a public pool in a while. The river is still better.

Im trying to get all my friends to vote. Im trying to be less of a douchebag. Im trying to accept my intensity. I dont want to feel bad for wanting it. So i wont! there! I dont want to hurt anyone, but i cant be fully aware all the time. I want to be loved. Anyone else?

i wanna go to more concerts.

Barr

and

Richard swift

are on the horizion. i hope i can go.

Strange.

INSPIRATION< SOMETIMES CAN ACTUALLY HINDER CREATIVE OUTPUT?

what happens when you cant handle the input, so there is no output? or you can see the output in your head but it wont come out right?

ERROR ERROR OVERFLOW CODE 13246354654

I like it, i feel connected to it. Turns out, you feel the same way. The "connected to it feeling" i have is emotionally overwhelming to the point of self-damage from the inward pressure of no output. Even though you identify, we arent lovers. we arent even friends. why does the meaning compel me to love you and anyone else like you as though my desire is a weapon? HOW can we see the same thing and not simply be drawn together? I think deep down what I want is too much. I want everyone to love what I love, and to love me because of it. I turn that crazy dream down, though. I find people who already love what I love. and they arent drawn to me! a shared interest is not enough. SO! so what must i do! CREATE! MUSIC! WRITE! EXPRESS! FEEL LIKE IM WORTH SOMETHING TO SOMEONE! You know, my first "fan" who obsesses about me and my creations as much as I do, ill probably become totally compelled to love that person. so yeah.


Err...

MANIC LAUGHTER HAHAHAHAH

and i know you

and I KNOW you

and I know

you

are just around for a good time

And it feels good not to overthink it

as long as the others can play along.

if you try to hard, you dont stand a chance.

if you dont try at all, you have a small chance.

if you try sometimes, but only at the right times, you have a nice chance.

If trying at all the right times automatically feels natural, you have got it made.

if it doesnt, fake it!

or so i hear.

I dont want to fake it.

i want to be genuine. genuinely me. that means overbearing and gushy and forward and hard to take in all at once and unbelievable and moment-spoiling and way to in love for my own good.

WANTING SOMETHING

makes it less likely to happen, when it comes to girls like you, doesnt it?

and yet I find myself changing to become what I think you would like. I dont really want to do that, I want you. Its just wanting you involves that. I should really just... but ive already talked about that.

Lets run into each other at a party and make out while drunk. Then maybe If i tell you whats been running though my mind as I facebook stalk you ill seem less wierd. maybe. Is that how the kids get together? booze? i just wanna fucking make it happen. put it all out there. the whole fucking heart on sleeve clusterfuck that is my way of being. but i want it to work! i dont want to scare you away. anyway, if you read this it means im going to be ok, because you pay more attention than I thought. But is this about you? maybe.

longboarding is fun!

holy cow is it ever.

Also hey im playing FFTA2 right now and its pretty cool. hard mode didnt seem so bad but its pretty friggin hard now. anyways, seeya!

hey guys guess what I wrote a song

yeah

also work is alright.
and

err

yes here we are.

L

Love is in the world today.
Smiles and happy and PEOPLE!
You and you and him and her and I'm leaving, I feel like June in
school. In grade 12. How do people keep up with all this? The love, I
mean. I fell in love with so many people lately. And I've been away.
Away from the people I loved before. And it wasnt so bad! I love them
still and I loved new people too. I remember something I admired about
Mark. Wherever he went,he would randomly run into people with whom he
was friends with. When I was younger and I saw this, I thought so much
of him. You've met so many people, and they love you! Now wherever you
go you will likely encounter someone you love. What an amazing
feeling. I wanted that. Now I'm closer than I was 8 months ago. I love
you. You know who you are.

J

The book "free culture" by Lawrence lessig has sort of obsessed me. As
long as I read a book this inspiring every now and then, I will have
at least three times as much inspiration neccecary to devote my life
to political thoughts.

Dear Emily Haines,

You know, sometimes I like you and sometimes I dont. and for some reason I think its better that way.

Anyway, thank you for the songs I love.

J

J

I'm playing a big concert tomorrow. Err, today. You know what I mean.
I had a good day. I feel so lucky. I'm playing trumpet mostly. Singing
too. Man I feel so good its distracting right now. No matter what it
looks like, I am a man who is profoundly overwhelmed with reasons to
find his life so meaningful and beautiful and full of love that it
makes me insane.

Wish me luck at the concert! 200+ people, possibly! See ya!

C

Its like the last third of a good porno

Never seen.

Its like the compliments I fish for

Never heard

Its like meeting someone you remember you loved years ago

Never felt

Prioritizing is hard for me. I follow whatever fleeting source of intrest hits my head. I live organically like that. Some problems with this... Certian things intrest me more than others. The Internet. Gaming. (shudder) WoW. Zoning out to music. Playing Music. Watching Tv Series on my computer.

Now, compare those to some things which rarely catch my intrest:

Keeping track of names, dates, deadlines, tasks that need to be done etc.

And even when I DO remember them, I procrastinate. Right now I should be cleaning the kitchen and baking bread and cleaning the bathroom and doing laundry and practicing my songs and writing people letters and sleeping. Im not doing any of those!

Hmm.. Be right back.


alright its an hour later now.

I cleaned the bathroom and the kicthen and took care of the recycling. Still a ton of shit in my life to keep track of... but its a start.
I FEEL BETTER!

ahhaha alright. seeya.

"Just at thought

If he realy did have powers... couldnt he do something more useful with them? I would like to see him make nuclear waste disappear, i mean if i had those powers, i would seriously run around in tights being a super hero, well.. not realy, i would just never have to take out the garbage agian, or use stairs, but back to my point, if he was real, i think he would be doing more important things. 69.153.137.77 21:15, 5 June 2007 (UTC)"

-taken from the Talk:wikipedia article on Criss Angel.

LMAO

Hello!

Ironic?

when more stuff worth writing about happens in my life, i find myself to busy to write here. When I have time to write, I find myself dwelling on emperically exciting things. Result: the me you get from this blog is not quite the same as me, the me. ah well.

GOT A JOB

might get another on monday.

alright, seeya!

G.

G.

I see beauty in...

A middle aged man, "working class" clothes; simple, plain, a little
dirty, functional. He is sitting sprawled in a seat, hands folded over
his lap. He has a cardboard box sitting on the ground between his
legs, and a handlebar mustache. My instinct when I see this: words like

Simple

Earnest

Uncomplicated

Peace.

I see beauty in...

A girl. She sits hunched over a notebook, writing with a focused mind.
Her hair, not quite shoulder legnth, falls down from her head over her
face as she writes. She stops, looks around inquisitively, puts the
book away and starts people-watching. She is niether eye-catchingly
pretty or ugly. She just sits there, unnoticed. What is she thinking
about? I look at her face and body language and create a personality
for her. She is no longer herself, she is a construct of my mind now.
It falls, I step back. I dont want that. I just want to observe and be
curious. She's writing again. She is beautiful. And by that I mean the
Potential in her at this stage to be anything is beautiful.

Im at band practice right now. seems like a good day, im seeing Mother Mother play tonight, and im sleeping in a strange place. good times! my new house is coming together, and im gettin a job REAL soon. yep. i dont feel quite settled in yet, but i am getting there. ITS GOOD TO BE BACK!

F
Your friends are better than your idols!
Idolize your friends!

I

She hugged me hard. Harder than I expected, and as hard as she should
have. A smile, sincerety, the kind of disjointed, flawed, and yet
earnest speech a québécois still learning english would sound like if
she felt love strongly and wanted to just get it out. Then, she turns
and walks away. I'm looking at her, will she turn her head my way as
she walks away. Thank you for your friendship, I love you. You taught
me to care for a woman without the fear and insecurity which comes
with wanting more than friendship. Thank you.

Y

Y

I walked down, and saw a wide stream. I sat on a rock right next to
the water. I looked around for a while, just sort of reflecting and
taking it all in. Explosions In The Sky were playing. Its not as
bittersweet as I thought; I love you and yet when I experience beauty
alone, it is not poisoned. Maybe I'm getting better at experiencing
things.

Im in the last part

Its ending

The time

the time up until now, the last week or so, was filled with love and skin and intense things like that. Almost too much to handle. Anyway, im all over the place, in love. I guess I got what I wanted from Katimavik... But only at the very end. Arcadia is amazing, my whole world here is infectious. I want to do so many happy and awesome things when I get back. Ive got the place! its finalized. alright. Spose Ill seeya.

I am at an art gallery called "whitespace". A man by the name of Dan
has his paintings here. He took all the photos of his friends (mostly
taken from facebook) and painted them portrait-style in black and
white. Then he painted simple lines and symbols on their faces, in
colour. I dont know how words are going to work here... Basically its
really cool. I am going to miss sault ste marie... Amazing people,
amazing local art and music and everything.

saflkjv npoiwqgajksdfdhldhldhldhldhldhldhldhldhldhldhldhldhldhldhleryhluioyboi;aldkjg;s flkjgv;lkbn;piru;jblkjsa;fdkaeiogubji^èpèoajwbP:JB:kljédf;jjsfké;:Oujbdèo;uinéio;erm sou;iu3p;iou8t0897ud;sluj.jcxmx,j;be

thats how im feeling.

D

I like smelly smart people

Wait. Thats not what I meant.
I think I'm trying to say that I like people who are warm and friendly
to anyone, and never mocking or cruel. I like when people dont take
fashion too seriously. I like when someone looks strange and
unassuming and not typically beautiful. They can even smell funny. I
like this because these people tend to be kind, curious, funny,
comfortable with themselves, and non-judgemental.

Yeah.

I'm hungry, hungover
You're an angel
I'm comin' over
But please don't laugh, don't say that it's okay
You're a plane crash
Blister, fever
You're a liar, a believer
But please don't laugh, don't say that it's okay

I cut your name from your mother's heart
I won't be late and i won't be caught
I try not to be someone to love
Didn't mean to bleed, but it's so damn tough
I played your heart, but i broke two strings
Jesus christ you're a lovely thing

Please remember to regret it
Don't be sorry, just forget it
And please don't laugh if i can't say your name
You're a plane crash with a pipedream
Ruby tuesday with a broke wing
And please don't cry
Like buildings in america

I cut your name from your mother's heart
I won't be late and i won't be caught
I try not to be someone to love
Didn't mean to bleed but it's so damn tough
I played your heart but i broke two strings
Jesus christ you're a lovely thing

I messed it up
I blew a kiss
And caught your breath
To see you ?

I cut your name from your mother's heart
I won't be late and i won't be caught
I'll try not to be someone to love
I didn't mean to bleed. it's so damn tough
I played your heart but i broke two strings
Jesus christ you're a lovely thing
Jesus christ you're a lovely thing

1 Mango
2 Bananas
A handful of grapes
1 cup milk
1 cup peach-flavoured yogurt
I square semi-sweet baker's chocolate
2 tbsp Sugar

My Smoothie concoction today. Its pretty good! I love experimenting with food. Smoothies are PERFECT for just throwing shit together and trying stuff out.

You are a lightning bolt. an explosion. I have no idea what to think of you. I cant predict you. I dont "get" you. sometimes, i am in shock at how well you read me. Other times, you are off. I think Im the same way at reading you. you turn me on. sexually. You turn me on in a lot of other ways too. I want to play coy with you. I want to hide a bit and tease you for once. I want to play your fucking game. I want to be bad. I dont feel safe around you, and I like it. I dont fucking know. Just let me keep seeing you. you know you want me.

When someone wants to show you something, like a picture or a song or a story or poem or whatever, and you KNOW it matters a lot to them, its such a wierd feeling when you consume it. How does that person love for it affect how YOU see it? They are soo anxious and vulnerable, bringing forth something they care about, wanting you to care about it too, and deathly scared of the world in your head and how it will react to something in the world of that person's head. anyway, cool stuff.

Blargh

Sit back and let shit happen

Worry Less

If you like where its going, go with the flow.

Give in

let go

Think Less

Therefore Worry less.

Relax.

Thank you for giving me the chance to try out these new things.

I
the girl next to me at the airport was reading a book. I knew her life
was a story I wasnt in a position to learn about, so I just wrote down
the name of the book. I'm becoming better at seeing how everything and
everyone around me is beautiful and inspiring and complex.

G

I feel good. I'm sorry its been a while, my dad died and I met a girl.
Wow. Such a wierd statement. Anyway, I hung with bashu and basically
had the kind of days that make me feel good. Back to katimavik in the
soo, then 2 weeks later, back home! Wow. the airport has a beautiful
woman, and one I find interesting. I prefer the interesting one.

Today I met a vietnamese woman with beautiful feet.

it just hit me yesterday, so I dont have much to say yet. I'm reflecting.

Well darn my socks.

Justice makes me want to just dance. JUST DANCE

also local dancefiends like Dreamboat (who I actually saw! awesome!)
yeah.

Im learning so much about myself these days. I feel connected to the world right now, in a really positive way. Ive recently been given the opportunity to follow my desire, and Ive never felt better. I played a show last night! I think i did a good job. someday im going to play "I woke up today" by Port O'brien.

alright.

Alright!

LONG WEEKEND!

72 HR BREAK!

No FUCKIN KATIMAVIK for 3 days.

alright.

Top Five Movies:

1. A Fistful of Dynamite (Sergio Leone)
2. Once Upon A Time In The West (Sergio Leone)
3. Howl's Moving Castle (Hayao Miyazaki)
4. Citizen Kane (Orsen Wells)
5. Drunken Master (original 1978 version) (Yuen Woo-ping)

What does failing sound like?
Can I ever fail properly?
What if everyones so goddamn open-minded that no one can fail?
Fuck that! Take your little feeling, and the opinion that it comes
with, and stop thinking its wrong to have it. Tell me! you can tell me
what you think without worrying about its subjectivity. If you know
its subjective, and, I know its subjective, and I KNOW you know, then
we are cool. I swear. I just wanna know you are a real person, say
something to make you a person :)

I found this poem while browsing through the YMCA's archives.

Look to this day
For it is life
The very life of life
In its brief course lie all
The realities and truth of existence
The joy of growth
The splendor of action
The glory of power.

For yesterday is but a memory
And tomorrow is only a vision
But today well lived
Makes every yesterday a memory of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Things about people I sometimes dislike

Genuienly thinking puns are clever
Selfishness
Self-pity
Not trusting people
Being uncomfortable with yourself
Hiding from parts of your mind which you are afraid of
Fear in general, actually.
Fashon as a way to hide yourself among a cultural group (even so-
called "counterculture" groups")
A lack of creativity
A lack of acceptance of others
Spurning knowledge as unneccicary
Hating those to whom you feel inferior... Envy
Blame shifting
Disregarding how a person feels for the sake of winning an argument
Judging, verbally and/or physically abusing, or otherwise giving a
hard time to people you haven't gotten to know, eg strangers.

Blog blog blog.

Blog blog blog.

Bloggy blog blog

im going crazy
for reals
i think i might just grab my guitar and be a hobo
i think if I dont become a crazy musician i will just be a crazy person
listening to music i like drives me crazy. like actually running around screaming punching things stupid smiles heart pounding explodingface crazy. I dont know how much more of this feeling I can handle before I just fully and completely throw my life away for some fucking noises. fucking sounds? FUCKING sounds just like flying all over the place through my head. it wayy more work that it looks; when you listen to it it doesnt sound like its a lot of work BUT IT IS FUCK! fuCK! FUKCUFKUCKUFKUCKUFKUCKFUU i am going to play shows and go crazy. because If i go crazy on stage and make it musical its not a bad crazy, its an awesome crazy. and im crazy anyway so FUCK IT WHATEVER. maybe you are crazy too? I know bashu is. hey! how are you doing? I can believe you managed to climb that wierd boat thing. I cant belive i was drunk. at a bonfire. that was crazy. I feel like i could have spent like 4 hours with every single person at that bonfire seperately, just hanging out. i felt soo crazyhyperWOOO!!!! does anyone else get soo caught up in a feeling that they have to explode forever??!?!?!? i want anyone to have any idea what im talking about!
FUCK!

OK THAT WAS RANDOM RAMBLING

I want to be a leader. Why?
Because I don't know how to follow.

Heart vs mind?
True love seems like being able to throw your life at somethig you love.

Its easier to do that the less you know about people and places and
reasons.

This might explain why I could never stay. I'm in love with a concept
and a feeling. I'll chase this feeling ss far as it gets me. How
"Faceoftheearth[clingingonto]" by 65daysofstatic made me feel a second
ago. I felt great and lonely and peaceful and restless. Overall, I'm
just spurned to keep writing, never stop. I don't have any idea where
I'm going with this...

These hands could have stopped you

Maybe?

These hands along with these arms could have brought you back.

This poem doesn't mean anything until people I don't understand give
it meaning.

Those times I spoke wrong, I guess I forgot who I was and who you were
and what that meant.

What DOES it mean?

If the silence scares me, I'll ask the questions no one can really
answer. Not quite rhetorical, just really big and vauge and subjective.

I like writing. I truly do! I like writing it down for you to see. I
like exposing everything and every part of me to anyone at all.

Hahahahahah!

I am an open-source human being.
I dare you to fuck around with my code, work on me until I am good as
gnu.

(total number of puns in this blog to date: 2)

(total number of intentional puns in this blog: 1)

About 30 seconds on a bus, and I swear I made a girl feel really good,
using only my eyes.

Here's hoping I'll say something if I see her again :)

Popular song I dont really like

+

The Hood Internet's Remix Skillz

=

Song I like!

also, im getting into free jazz.

Seeya!

looking for reason where there is none is niether beautiful or hopeless.
its just something you do.

Ok, so someone died. They weren't mean to die, you say? sure, ill follow you. I mean, they weren't meant to die any more than you are meant to live.

It wasn't their time yet.

Shes in a better place now.

I bet hes looking down on us, smiling.

Isnt it crazy how many assumptions and beliefs and illogical ideas we can fit into one sentence? Shit. Death should be easier to understand.

Cause, generally when things are easy to figure out, we dont muddle it up with make believe.

Every face hides a story
Every story is worth being told
Just look. Just watch and listen and be patient. That last part always
gets me!

His face is hard and quiet and sad and weathered. He collects band
memerobillia, but no one ever visits to see. Is he simple? He wants to
be. He wants to "live life day by day" and focus on only what he can
handle. Maybe he's being healthy.

Here's some math:
Take what you think, and what you know and how you feel about what you
think and know.

Ok, now subtract from that what you feel you can handle day-by-day
without breaking down.

What remains is what the vast majority of north americans are
desperately trying to hide.

Yet they (they, in this case, including me) have this strange
relationship with the feelings and thoughts they think are to
overwhelming. Now and then, you become fascinated with this stuff.
Booze, drugs, music and and art. Love and beauty. These things
sometimes make you forget to supress what you told yourself you can't
handle. And that feeling you get, when you forget to forget, is toxic
and dangerous and additctive and amazing and pure and real and quite
possibly a Meaning of Life. At least, thats how I feel each day.

This is how I got into Sergio Leone. Amazing man, Amazing films.

And you are here

and you are here to hear.

and to hear me is all i want from you.

from all I want to all you are, we slide.

these words cant stay inside me, they cant.

I have the gift of vision and the curse of inspiration.

Brazenly throwing myself upon anyone. I dont want you, I want me, IN you.

I am a shaken bottle of your favourite High Fructose Corn Syrup, and/or Alcahol.

Im unstable, oddly bubbly at times (do you see where im going with this?)

and i cant stop going places. I cant stop doing things. and every place

every THING

every PERSON

every BOOK-SONG-LOVE-SMILE-LEAF-CONVERSATION

shakes me up

and my insides are all fizzy, and my lid startes to quiver

and no one wants to get all sticky, so i try and hold still.

but its too late, im all shook up, its got nowhere to go inside me.

so? what happens next?

I GODDAMN FUCKING EXPLODE

and thats why my stomach hurts today. but,

you are here.

you are here and you hear.

and to hear me is all you ask of me.

from all you want to all I am, You slide.

slide under me, let me breathe. let it out, let it go.

and i WILL get caught up again,

this bottle with legs

and you will be here.

you are paper and pens and my guitar and this blog. thank you for being what no one else should have to be. I love you :)

So, Im digesting Spoon right now (much less painful than it sounds).
Stay Dont Go is cool! Its got a beatboxed rythm throughout the song;
its still very much a rock song. I'm done billeting today, I had a
great time- thanks Paul! Now, I'm in the middle of an inner-city
playground, sitting on a swingset. And yes, typing while swinging does
make me a bit queasy... :p

Love!!!

Yeah.

Today was a blur and the good and the bad and the food and the time were all good but why?

Tonight is a dream where i felt guilty and i told you so and i wish i was there for you that one time.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet, as my time of relaxation will come to an end and i will return to the KatimaLife. However, we ARE on the home stretch, arent we?

You made me feel bad for calling, and your reasoning makes sense. so I dont call. niether do you. I told you how I felt about this and you told me you would respond later and you didnt. and I promised I wouldnt complain; yer here I am. do you care? i think you do. i just wish it felt like it more often. is that what i control? i guess so. just call! just smile! just say anything nice! just remind me you care! just do ANYTHING i wouldnt expect! but that wont happen. if i hold back and wait, nothing ever happens. i DO NOT trust you to come to me. no one ever does. and i can stop coming to people, but i never wait long enough. its not my nature. goddamnit give me something.

Played some Magic tourney; met someone cool from new brunswick, listened to iron & wine. I have an amazing life.

:D another good day last night. this morning im sure I had an amazing dream, but I forget it. dang! what a tragic feeling. in a good way.

So, tonight was a good night. WAS. i went out for a bike ride, met some col people, saw a band from winnipeg play. super cool, been waiting to meet cool musicians around here. but now, im sick! i cant even fucking sleep. i dont want to get into what kind of sick, but its the kind that will keep me in and out of the bathroom all night. sigh..
anyway, good day overall.

man, i could be outside falling in love right now! but im inside learning guitar.
I could be outside seeing the world right now! but im inside playing DOTA.
I could be at the mall, lookin fly as hell! but im not. im sitting here, writing to you!

its alright.

The ending to a song I was working on

As I look forward at my life
I feel like this is true

That if it all ends up in strife
I'll be laughing, how bout you?

If you accept things as they come,
What harm can they do

You've still got a little more world
And there's always someone new.

It would be nice if what I found beautiful in a woman was something
that no one else found beautiful. Life would be easy!

Ive been reading about big ideas for a while, headphones on and loud.
What's happening around me? So, I turn down the music a bit? Close the
ebook, and let some of reality in.

I'm at a waterfront area, July first. Canada day always brings lots of
people here, and looking around gives me more information than I can
handle all at once. Faces and bodies and clothes and conversations and
music and animals and the sky and the wind and faces!

Woah. I can't write about all that, there are too many tangents in my
head. Every time I focus on one part of it, a story appears. Sometimes
I can translate all of the story into a note or a song, sometimes I
can't. Still, I understand every story, which is... Man

Hey! Her! Ok. Her dress looks different. Her hair is tied in a relaxed
and natural way. She looks... Real! Haven't seen her face yet. Man am
I glad I tuned out of that book for a while. Maybe if I show her this
book then,

Fuck! I'm being naiive again! There's her face, and she walks away.
Funny how writing this down disgracted me from seeing which way she
went. I feel like that's a metaphor, but I dont know what for exactly.

Zaman brought me down to earth today, he told me having a blog and
whining about people not reading it is like wanting people to watch
you masturbate.
Wait, what?
Fuck you, Zaman!

Sometimes having too many possibilities can be distracting, I think.
And I have too many. But which would I give up? Maybe purpose is
simply few enough opportunities for me.

On tv, the introspective kid watches and learns and we fall in love
with him because we get in his head, his domain. Then, at just the
right realization, at just the right time, with just the right music
playing, someone asks him what's on his mind. And he delivers the most
amazing speech, and she falls in love forever. The End. I'm not
introverted because life is not like that. You can't hide your love.
Its perfect in your head, but its not like tv, its not the same
outside your world. So we talk, we talk and we write and we sing and
we dance. We try and express the world inside to another person, to
make them see exactly what we do. And we fail. We fail because
language isn't perfect; perceptions
aren't the same; people aren't nice, and we are all scared. Now, all
these problems with reality and interpersonal relationships scare
people into themselves, and the tragic perfection of the world in our
minds intoxicates us so we stop trying to show each other the beauty
we see and feel. So, we hide.
Fuck you. I'm not hiding. I'm fighting. Fighting hurts, but I won't
stop.

It feels like I'm remembering the present.

So I have been volunteering at a camp for people with disabilities for
the last week. Ive had the chance to have some amazing conversations
with people. Ive had a few naps. Ive felt amazingly happy while
feeding an ice cream cone to someone who needed my help. And ive had
time to think for a while. I'm not able to answer any new questions,
but I'm more of the me I like than before.

Meet the belly dancer
She knows her body better
She can speak to you.
She can tell you she is beautiful and happy and fun and comfortable
and confident and in control!
Can your hips speak? Hers can.

How can you express the beauty of silence in song?

If I wrote a song about silence, what would it sound like?

How can I express the power of empty space on canvas?

Would a single speck on a white canvas best convey it? Is it more
effective than an explosion of colour?

I dont know, but its fun to think about!

Words fail! Worse than life. If i were to describe to you in words
what i saw and felt when I couldn't stop staring out the window of the
plane that night, IT WOULD FAIL. It would fail because these are just
words. The poem without a name or any words sits in my head, and I
want you to hear it. That you can never hear it; THIS is my torture.

Words fail.

I step back.
I step back and there are too many things left.
There's no way I could count them!
But I cant do what you do, either.
I won't ignore them. I won't ignore them because I dont know how. So I
just sit and watch... Learning how to better describe what exactly
they are, what they mean, why they make me obsess.

And I was writing another poem
And I looked up and saw beauty
Walking towards me-a blue car honked at her as it drove past.
"showtime!" screamed my body, moving me towards Goodlooking Mode. The
moment came- she smiled, confirming my ideas of what kind of beauty
she was. 5 seconds pass after we intersect, she is behind me.

I turn, walk backwards, a dirty perverted theif stealing a long, slow
gaze; she gets smaller.

Turn around! Wait, don't!
She doesn't hear my thoughts so she just keeps walking. Now my hands
are out, I'm blowing silent kisses on deaf ears; onlookers think i''m
crazy.

Water water everywhere
And not a drop to drink
If all the people in this world
Had only stopped to think
That we need it available
For all of us to drink
We wouldn't waste it quite so much
On toilet, kitchen and Sink.

V

V

Walking out for a while because I need to get back to that good
feeling. Feeling like my chest wants something, but it cant tell me.
It can only ache. Ache is not the right word. Its not sad, but I never
liked how we only have words like happy and sad to describe feelings
which are both and neither. Neither I nor you neccecarily need new
norms; noxious naked notions of a New Normal need not nuke our niceties.

I believe in the power of you and me. Not in the power of you, and me,
nor the power of me, and you. I believe in the power of you filling
my gaps while I fill yours. I believe in the power of understanding,
of appreciation, of empathy, honesty and love. I believe in the power
of you and me!

That which sustains me, cleans me, and keeps me warm.
It has been sold
It gave me life, abundant and pure.
It has been sold
It built our world, and it remains
our foundation.
It has been sold
Now, I've been told that water will soon become the next big thing
To hoard, to fight over, to protect! To defend! To ARMS! For drink!
It has been sold. It has been bottled, and it has been labeled,
shipped and shelved and chosen and sold.

Most people don't notice change until its already accepted as normal.
They reflect, wondering, "how did this happen?". It feels like a tide
you can't fight.

Please watch these. Please! its everything.

And this is when you play along
And here is where you speak up
Now, THIS is time for helping out
Then another time you step back
This moment is for sincerety
Yet afterwards, you keep it in.
Thats the place for smiling back
Don't try it here, not at this time.

Pick and choose where and when to be which and what or how much and
how real.

Just finished "the perks of being a wallfower". I think this book has shown me how to improve myself. I really want to.

Its tragic that its easier to be negative than positive. its beautiful
that being positive leads you to a nicer place. Its scary that
sincerety makes you vulnerable. Its soothing that sincerety is what
people secretly crave. Its awesome that you know what I mean when I
talked about how I felt. Its funny that I assume you must then come to
the same conclusions as me. Its great that you could make it here, but
its tragic that you are drunk. Its sad that I cant go three days
without talking to you, but I guess its a kind of fulfilling dependancy.

Checking out The National,Liars, Battles, and a bunch of other bands right now. Man, i live for this whole "new music" thing. I think i listen to my ipod on shuffle for about 6 hrs a day, and there are still songs ive never heard before on there!

Im sort of overcome by this videoThe piano is the percussion, in a super awesome way :)

Who are the you you are? Which you makes you fell more like yourself?
Does this you make you embarassed and ashamed when you lie in bed and
slide out of this you? Are you envious of one of your yous? Do you try
so hard to become a you that you forget you are full of different
people, all irreplaceably and irrevokeably as you as you will ever be.
Do you ever ask a question wishing it was asked of you? Does "doing
unto others as they would do unto you" even make any sense? Are the
socially functioning people insenciere? Are the outcasts true to
themselves? Are the socially functioning ones enlightened? Are the
outcasts unaware of something monumental? When did the word "please"
stop requiring a question mark! Am I keeping you interested? Will any
of this be answered? Stay tuned!?

How would you introduce yourself to yourself if you and your Self
could meet? People who spend time alone arent alone, really. There's
always someone else inside your head to talk to.

Im sorry but this will be a long night
Im sorry but ive said it before
i dont know what im talking about
YOU are what im talking about
im going to play music everywhere
i will never stop doing this
if I dont do it like this i am sure I will go crazy
and become a hobo for life.

Colourbook got me goin crazy.
I want that soo bad.
fuck that im getting it.
you know I will.
I KNOW I WILL.
im listening to them right now.
why dont we sound like that?
we sound fine.
chill.
relax.
TIME
give it some.

DONT EVER STOP EVER EVER ERVERVEVVREVVRVERVEVRVERER

FOR FUCKING REALS

FOLLOW MUSIC FOR EVER EVER EVER
FUCK ANYTHING ELSE

Its ok that Im overwhelmed.

BUT FUCK!

am I supposed to feel like there is too much all the time everywhere forever?

Every now and then a really pretty, happy, non-cheezy, totally smiley song comes along that can make you dance and sing no matter what mood you are in.

"Happiness" by Goldfrapp did it for me today :)
Incidentally, im going to be recording with the DC tomorrow!!

This weekend, I will be Back.
go figger on that one.
gunna be a crazy weekend!

I don't sleep much because I want more time away from work.

Four chords

Four chords
Four which you gave me
Which you heard.
One more time than before is all it takes
I wanna scream until I sing
And sing until I die
And die until i live
Live until I cannot see
Those damn chords enslave me
And I smile and grin and laugh and explode.

Fuck Dead Blogs!
Fuck EM!

Ive been browsing all these dead blogs, and Im thinking,

What the hell? you are cool! im curious about you! you posted once a coupla months ago and never did it again? aww...

I figured doing Katimavik would help me get to that point where I feel like life sorta "sinks in".
although I cant say for sure, I think im feeling something like this now. I think I know what I want to do. I cant for the life of me figure out what that is specifically, but I think a lot of the mental and emotional aspects of finding your path are working out for me, better than ever before maybe.

GOOD MOOD!

I CAUGHT YOU!

smiles and similes.
laughs for me! laughs for you!
its the kind of happy due to knowledge, not ignorance. a sublime feeling that you get from facing life instead of running from it. Im such a teenager sometimes, my swingy mood. Is it melodrama when you genuinely mean it? Probably BUT STILL.

I would rather help those who want than those who need. Those who need
but do not want do not have the will to change. Those who want but do
not need once did need, but through their own will came to a place
where need haunted them no more. To continue to want at that point is
not selfish; it is merely what comes naturally to those who spend
their lives looking for joy and peace and understanding. A true need
has nothing to do with your will, it is only conceded with your means
and your circumstances. Therefore a true want is not a selfish thing,
in fact to want in this sense is to desire life- to do what you can to
acheive what brings you joy and pease and love and understanding

Decemberists video

this video is sort of a culmination of fanservice happy awesomeness about the Decemberists.. so if its your thing, enjoy.

When I heard that song
I checked the date
If It was last month
Then how, HOW
Did it reminisce so well
This life, that story?

im delving into They Might be Giants. I honestly may not like what I find, but I must check, lol.
Also, i will be home soon.

Ok so ive got a few new songs now, all ready to go. which is pretty cool. Im also attempting to get a tan this weekend :)

So, heres a haiku.

A darker jesse
Like, with a tan, so to speak
would be hella cool

T Shirt Idea:




If you can read this
Im wearing this shirt

So im in the process of rebuilding my music library. Its sort of, liberating and scary at the same time. its like, I get the chance to re-evaluate what music im interested in, which is cool. Still, sucks, losing my music, tho :P

I got an Ipod Touch!
also,

The World Ends With You for DS
sorry if im busy, lol.
but yeah. things are going well. Im really liking 65daysofstatic right now :)

Had a good day yesterday :)

Ill try and post more.

Its soo funny how many things worth writing here hit my head, but I forget them when I get online. I need a dictophone!

Oh and my mp3 player broke. Lame!
I know, right?

Also, Ive become converted to THIS great band

a comic I find pretty cool sometimes

marriedtothesea.com

DAMN YOU COMPUTER!
DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
I SHELL OUT 40 BUCKS FOR WARCRAFT 3
AND NOW DOTA WONT WORK!!!
ARRGHHH!

ITS EVEN WORSE CAUSE THE INTERNET IS FINE, JUST NOT THE GAMES'S INTERNET!


arrgh.

So now I have an RSS feed for my blog. over on your right, there is the phrase "SUBSCRIBE TO MY BRAIN". Using this, you can get whatever I post on my blog instantly updated on whatever program or service you use to subscribe to stuff. This way you do not neccecarily need to go to THIS site and check out if I have new stuff, it will automatically give you the new stuff in your RSS thingy.

New to RSS feeds? check this out.

This is a piece of writing about video games in a philosophical context.

ANY COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED! :)

A video game is simply a form of media, just like television, and yes, even books. the largest difference between video games and other media is that video games are interactive. In fact, the key trait that defines all video games is not violence, or any other aspect. It is simply that you can interact with it, affect it. Its a television show you star in, where the other actors' performances (and even the story) are affected by your actions on the show. Or, for another example, a book where the author writes you in as a character, and you tell him what your character does in each chapter, and he adjusts his story based on your input.

What causes most people grief about video games is not the fact that their children are pressing buttons in order to create their own dynamic "story" within the game of course. the problem comes in when we look at what kinds of games they are playing. all games give you choices, and all games give you different information to help you decide. when either a game gives you inane, violent, hurtful, or even hateful information and/or only gives you choices that do not give you an opportunity to affect the game morally, you get an experience that could affect more suggestible children negatively. But to be morally outraged by what you see in a game is no different than being morally outraged by what you read in a book, or watch on a screen. What I'm saying is that, like all media, the content is the key, not the medium. in fact, most games allow more flexibility when it comes to your experience, since you get to control it to varying degrees.

Now, if you have not experienced a single game that you would think has a story or morals as sophisticated as a book, this is because your child prefers a simpler, less subtle experience, like watching reality television and pro wrestling or reading the tabloids. Do not let this convince you, however, that a videogame comparable with a great work of fiction or a classic film does not exist. they do, and they are called Role Playing Games, or RPGs. the first RPG was not in a videogame form, it was in fact a sort of board game, played with pencil, paper, and dice called Dungeons and Dragons, or D&D for short.

In the media, D&D was once seen as a waste of time, dangerous, or even demonic. When you play Dungeons and Dragons, one person (called the dungeon master) is an author reading out a story he has written, describing in words what you would read if it was in a book. the interesting part comes when the author of this live book writes YOU into his fiction as a character, and then asks YOU what YOU do in the story. Your interactions change the story based on what you tell him your character does. he then advances the story live as he gets your information, using his creativity to weave a narrative around your actions. This was an early example of interactive storytelling, and it could be argued that it requires as much or even more creativity and high level thinking than passively reading a book.

The first RPG video games were an attempt to take the Dungeon Masters role and replace it with a computer. Due to technology limitations, this meant that the earliest RPGs were much less creative and epic in scope, simply because a person's imagination simply could not be translated properly with the technology they had. more than 25 years have passed since then, and through the years newer RPG games were made using better and better technology. today, teams of 25-50 writers are typically used to create an interactive story for the player, which is then transferred to the video game using more realistic and powerful hardware. The magic of a Dungeon Master's imagination creating a story that you can affect is something we will never completely obtain, but today we are closer than ever.

In the best RPGs, as in the best works of fiction, there is beauty. You fall in love with the characters you play as, and the ones you interact with. Moral themes, tough questions, epic narratives, and a story engaging enough to make a person laugh and cry can be found in these interactive novels. the beauty of interactive media such as video games is that, when made with love and care and skill and imagination, a person can experience something as amazing and transcendent as any novel or movie. the only real difference, is that when YOU are in the book, when YOU get to decide how the story plays out, you feel even more engaged in the narrative, and your experience is more personal. This leads to all the same educational and even spiritual and philosophical benefits of any creative work, and perhaps more.

I honestly and thoroughly hope that someday you will experience the joy of taking part in a transcendent RPG, a work of art where you can shape your own experience.

Its a little bit awesome when your own nostalgia for a game is just a little bit different from another person who played that same game :)

ANY COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED!

http://www.hometracked.com/2008/02/05/auto-tune-abuse-in-pop-music-10-examples/

Maybe Ive nailed down what I dont like about mainstream music...

hmm. so my blog is transforming.
I can now add audio links, which means I can give you guys songs to download, or I could even do a podcast... :) exciting stuff for me. I was thinking that in addition to providing a link to whatever audio I have here for you guys, i would also have a separate blog only with the links, a sort of archive. something to think about, at least.
seeya

}:{()

Im up to something.
Can you feel it?
Ive got plans
and projects
And I need
to line up
all of the
DUCKS
per se,
into a
row.

09 Context Ender.mp3

08 Piled On Piles On Head.mp3

07 Was I_ Are You_.mp3

06 Half of Two Times Two (Newer Version).mp3

05 Untitled.mp3

04 Complete Consumption of Us Both.mp3

03 Summary.mp3

02 The Song is The Single.mp3

SUMMARY, By BARR

This is an album you should see. I love every word, please love it too.

01 First.mp3

Last Night

Finally something worth talking about. 3 Women played a show in a restaurant in a tiny tiny village. I was there, and I recorded it. There was an old man in the back. I was standing next to him recording the show. All of a sudden, he broke out this harmonica and started softly playing along. From where I was standing his volume matched the sound on stage. It was amazing! This man has many stories to tell- he came from Switzerland, many many stories. I told the women on stage after the show what I had done, they want to hear it now. I was transfixed while they were playing. Basically I had a great time :)

East Hastings has a horribly jarring ending, like someone is sticking a robot mosquito in your ear and then twisting it around. And yet, this is the best song right now. I fucking love it.

to the tune of spout/beg by colourbook

fuck it man. Im drunk and I had a good time. except I didnt have a good time at all. the tequila was fun and the friends were nice, but I didnt feel it. I havent felt it in a long time. Maybe its the song, maybe its something else, but I find myself wishing you were in danger. wishing you were in trouble. wishing you hurt yourself. wishing you fucked yourself up, so that no one else loved you. then, I could come, and you would know I loved you all along. I could come, and save you. You would have to realize that I loved you all along. That YOU love me. that is why people like the movies. the movies fucking arrange life so that two people can be in love. the fucking circumstances mean soo much. I want to embrace what I feel when I think of you in another person, but I havent been able to yet. I want to make you understand, but I think you already know. Why am I so convinced that you still love me? why does everything I experience in life that resembles beauty or inspiration make me think of the clumsy stupid times we had? the days and nights of notes and fumbling. the excited crazyness of yourself. I had you FIRST. you learned from me. dont ever forget that I learned from you. dont ever forget the rooftop. dont ever forget what I said. I meant every word. Im over here to get over you. It hasnt worked so far. know anyone like you? am I spoiled? why am I drawn to sabotage? my love has turned selfish. leave me alone. you cant, though. you need to run, because I cant leave you alone.

(sorry its late, tell me what you think whydontcha)

Im a word that I havent learned yet.
and I dont know and I dont care; but I will love everything I see
Its soo fucking intense sometimes, and I cant explain
But it compels me to try
so Ill try


I liked the way I looked in those clothes
and when I danced in the bathroom late at night
I liked the way I felt, like my body could talk
maybe it knows the words I havent learned

when you express, you seperate, cut off, exclude
to write, I exclude.
cut off all senses to focus on one
but do I have to? im wrong actually
im listening to music write now.

are these words even mine?
should I pay royalties to my muse?
what we consume becomes what we express
we are what we eat

you know, I love you, you know.
and If you were me, if you really got me
then I could show you all of me
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

but YOU? who are YOU?
are you worth my time?
can I see through you? and when I do
consume, which is what ill do
and throw the empty can away.

I could lie, but I just want attention.
when inspiration makes me want to scream
I focus the scream and try to express
but do I just want attention?

in order to be an artist, maybe you cant be satisfied
satisfied with what the world makes you feel
you cant just enjoy it yourself
you need to compel others to identify with you
you just want them to BECOME YOU

PLACEHOLDER HAS A MESSAGE
HE SAYS POEM TONITE

"Time Stops" by Explosions in the Sky is a song I wanna cover with the DC someday. So my new job is a big challenge, im working for the government. lots and lots of higher level thinking here, its exhausting but definietly what im looking for. also, this is me, in a way

Wierd thoughts sometimes. Sometimes I want bad things to happen to people I love, so I can dramatically save them in order for them to notice I love them more. Ever wonder if the hero and the girl in the action movie would have ended up with each other if the conflict of the movie were taken out?

So I just saw The Darjeeling Limited. Overall a worth watching film! Owen Wilson actually downplayed his performance, which was a welcome change. Gave plenty of room for Adrian Brody and Jason Schwartzman (Sp?) to really let there characters come through.

Keremeos is a nice looking place. remind me to play guitar more.

Seeya!

good evening.


ive been up for 72 hours straight. im in keremeos. more to come later.
:)

ZZZzzzZZZ

I hope the DC are doing well, im hearing lots of stuff from them about how they are doing. I wrote a poem last night, but its on a comp without internet and Im in no mood to work to bring it here yet. but I will, someday! anyway, see you later man.

saw a movie, got a new shirt, Im done my job in quebec, and on wednesday ill be in BC. exciting times eh! you know what? im not a snob. I like some really popular music! I STILL think "rock lobster" by the B-52s is underrated! also, the movie "Revolver" is really about analytical psychology. just so you know.

been studying Transhumanism, today Cryonics in praticular. Ive decided that to me, amnesia is closer to true death than when your biological functions stop. in a way, at least. wierd eh?

soo... went to montreal. was good. bought the new Advance Wars game. I really wanna take it online when I get the chance. Anyway... The DC are playing their first PAID show soon. good luck to you guys! I recently discovered The Dodos. their new album, Visiter, is really cool. its minimal instrumentation (as in NUMEBR of instruments) but those instruments are really complex, and the drumming is very featured. also, I wrote a song, called "Little More World". Its pretty sweet :)

so im researching my next katimavik location (Keremeos, BC) and I did a google blog post. I found this post in caps: SHOWING MORE PASSING ACTION OF UNDER GROUND MOVEMENT


Turns out it was just about earthquakes.

damn i miss music scenes.

That satisfying balance between melancholy and content, between dispair and peace. THATS good indie music. Beirut is doing it for me lately!

also, Obama's "A More Perfect Union" speech was... damn. im out of hyperboles. see for yourself.

as a gift, I was just given a 300$ suit jacket in amazing condition that was given to the thrift store. it still had its origional tag and everything... man. thats soo cool!