I am not afraid of your sin, I am not afraid of you.
I do not wonder if you are lying when you speak to me.
I am here because I want to be here, and thats all you need to know right now.
I dont need you to become anything, I dont need you to turn into something I think is good.
You are on a journey, and it will unfold however it unfolds. Im here. Ill be there for you, but only if its right to do so.
Everyone deserves to be happy, and you deserve to be loved exactly as much as you are capable of living another person :)
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
The beauty... ahh. I dont treat the beauty right. When I see the beauty, hear the beauty, experience the beauty, the feeling is overpowering. Its like being washed away by a tidal wave. I think on some level my entire history of romance and relationships has been many attempts at experiencing this beauty, and having someone feel it too. I feel like that feeling is something I need to learn to share. I dont really share it very well right now. The words get all jumbled, I say the wrong thing. But this tidal wave is inside me, and it wants to get out. Man, if I didnt write these things here, I would have an even harder time, I think. Its like if the world could speak, its saying to me
"HEY! IM THE WORLD AND I AM BEAUTIFUL! I AM SO FULL OF MEANING! EVERY MOMENT YOU SPEND NOT IN CELEBRATION OF THIS IS A WASTE OF YOUR SHORT AND DISTRACTED LIFE! GO FRIGGIN LOVE SOMEONE!!"
So I say to the world, Ok world, Ill go love someone. And then I try, and then I fall. Sometimes I get some understanding, and I get moments where it really feels like they feel that thing too. That beautiful, wonderful, sublime thing. But things dont work out. I get selfish, or something or other. But guess what? Thats not going to stop me. Im going to keep trying. Because Fleet Foxes wrote "Blue Ridge Mountains" for ME to hear right now as I write this. They wrote it so I could feel this way. Feel like getting on a bike and riding into the sun. Feel like hugging and smiling. And maybe someday, if Im good, Ill get to cry with a smile on my face :)
"HEY! IM THE WORLD AND I AM BEAUTIFUL! I AM SO FULL OF MEANING! EVERY MOMENT YOU SPEND NOT IN CELEBRATION OF THIS IS A WASTE OF YOUR SHORT AND DISTRACTED LIFE! GO FRIGGIN LOVE SOMEONE!!"
So I say to the world, Ok world, Ill go love someone. And then I try, and then I fall. Sometimes I get some understanding, and I get moments where it really feels like they feel that thing too. That beautiful, wonderful, sublime thing. But things dont work out. I get selfish, or something or other. But guess what? Thats not going to stop me. Im going to keep trying. Because Fleet Foxes wrote "Blue Ridge Mountains" for ME to hear right now as I write this. They wrote it so I could feel this way. Feel like getting on a bike and riding into the sun. Feel like hugging and smiling. And maybe someday, if Im good, Ill get to cry with a smile on my face :)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
reflecting...
alright so i guess im a musician now? I have a playlist on my comp that plays some songs I like. its go around 50 songs. Some of the songs I played on the Rough Diamonds compilation are in there.
So im listening to this playlist, and after a few songs, one of mine comes on, then more other ones play afterwards. I get to look at that song I wrote in the context of other songs. how does it feel? does it feel like a "real" song? Its a cool way to look at your work. It actually felt really good!
alright so i guess im a musician now? I have a playlist on my comp that plays some songs I like. its go around 50 songs. Some of the songs I played on the Rough Diamonds compilation are in there.
So im listening to this playlist, and after a few songs, one of mine comes on, then more other ones play afterwards. I get to look at that song I wrote in the context of other songs. how does it feel? does it feel like a "real" song? Its a cool way to look at your work. It actually felt really good!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Damn it feels good to know you dont know what you are doing. Ill just say it out loud: I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING! I was in class today, and someone asked a show of hands: how many people had their lives completely figured out already? About 15 people raised their hands. THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I dont know what im doing. I dont know what im doing! Every single moment, every new song, every new kiss, every lingering moment of eye contact, every early morning jog, every new idea, every new challange, everyTHING thats waiting for me to discover it... I HAVE NO IDEA whats coming. And I feel like if I wanted my life to be planned out, it would just make the beauty of chaos in my life lessen. I know I have to make some choices- for example, Ive decided to give these courses my best shot this semester. Ive also chosen some courses for next semester. BUT! If something happens, and I am convinced that I shouldnt be at university, well, I WOULD NOT GO! I hope I wouldnt even look back. The amazing moments in life make me so overwhelmed I would cry... I dont know how to cry. I dont think my body can do it. I really wish it could sometimes, cause I get really emotional and it just feels like constipation or something... like my body wants a release that will never come. But I still want that feeling... arrgh. No, I DO still want those overwhelming moments where a new song and a sunset and a smile and a hug and eye contact all build up into this big fucking... ahh. I wont let me stop me from experiencing those good things wherever they take me!!!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
"Balls"-ing and social experiments
Ok so a long time ago I had a computer in a public(ish) area. Sometimes people would use my computer to check their facebook. After doing so, they would close the window without logging out, or just leave the computer while still logged in. If I wanted to go on facebook, I had to log out of their account, then log into mine. I didnt like this, for some pretty dumb reasons. I felt as though someone had left pee in my toilet or something... I dunno. So whenever I saw that someone had left their facebook on, I would change their status to something involving the word "balls". "I LIEK TEH BALLZ", for example. This went on for a while. Some people thought it was funny, and tried to "Balls" me back, or balls other people. Some people were annoyed. I dont really do it anymore, but looking back on it, it sort of grew into something that operated independant of me- my mom was ballsing me, my friends were ballsing each other, etc. Its really interesting how people can spread ideas that take on a life of their own!
Ok so a long time ago I had a computer in a public(ish) area. Sometimes people would use my computer to check their facebook. After doing so, they would close the window without logging out, or just leave the computer while still logged in. If I wanted to go on facebook, I had to log out of their account, then log into mine. I didnt like this, for some pretty dumb reasons. I felt as though someone had left pee in my toilet or something... I dunno. So whenever I saw that someone had left their facebook on, I would change their status to something involving the word "balls". "I LIEK TEH BALLZ", for example. This went on for a while. Some people thought it was funny, and tried to "Balls" me back, or balls other people. Some people were annoyed. I dont really do it anymore, but looking back on it, it sort of grew into something that operated independant of me- my mom was ballsing me, my friends were ballsing each other, etc. Its really interesting how people can spread ideas that take on a life of their own!
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