the movies choose the people with the expressive faces
but we all have things to express
not just the pretty ones.

Life updates!

Im reading The Brothers Karamazov. VERY GOOD BOOK!

Im thinking about a prog rock song im writing called speed chess. When I finally get it going for the band, it will be very good. Its really ambitious and complicated, but rewarding!

I was a man with convictions
I wanted to show that I felt something
But I wouldn't join the monastery.

Committing a life to a cause is a very big deal.


My moments of peace are not well advertised,
but they are there.
They are not delusion. They are personal and impossible.
Thank you!

NO! Im not letting it go like that. I have more to say! Why cant we just listen to our bodies? When music makes me dance, I dont question the feeling. I dont worry about whether or not my body really wants to move. It does! I do! I am! I feel! I love! I am free! As long as this song doesnt stop, I am free.

slipping into the moment

Someone ive never met did something, and it changed how I saw something else.

my words arent coming easily. I feel wrong. What I do doesnt feel right. Im looking around for the right way to do it, the right way to be. Following my bliss doesnt seem to work, if it involves another person. Im feeling what im feeling, and I cant expect anything else of myself. These feelings are real. I want to cry, an end-of-the-rope "hey I did my best how come its not like I thought it would be" cry. Im grateful for the small things. I get to commune with my music. I get to find beauty and bliss in that. I have a job, a place where my body is bound beyond my control. I am grateful for that because when my body is out of my control, my mind seems to find clarity. Ive spent my whole life aspiring toward something more, being dependant on that "more" for happiness. Change happens, and I can affect the change. Some changes result in me feeling better, some worse. The hardest thing I can think of right now is accepting the change while in some way freeing myself from it. A me who doesn't feel dependant on predicting or causing things, while being affected by things I do. Fucking impossible

I just want

I want to write you a picture
and tell you a kiss on the neck

I want to feel good, mostly.
Feeling good feels good.

I want to get what I want without needing to get what I want.
Im much farther ahead than I was, and Im excited to see what comes next.

But im not satisfied, not yet.
I guess im just going to have to get used to it.

I should go to sleep.