In the process of finding myself, I find myself learning about other people.
Worse than general malcontent and overt selfishness or maliciousness, I see more and more that a person deadset on almost any way of life is damaging to me. The most agreeable, kind, gentle, and generous people ive met have also been sometimes the most frustrating. I am offered everything I ask for, and everything I say is heard, thought about and respectfully and kindly responded to. And the smiles. Oh, the smiles! Always smiling, always positive. I receive a multitude of tolerance, respect, praise, and space. And it is infuriating!

What do I need that I don’t get?What could I possibly ask for that I am not getting?It’s the only thing I know how to give well. True, Genuine, Honesty. It’s the kind that scares people. The kind that is usually found hidden, along with their negativity. What I am getting at is that sometimes the most kind, respectful, generous people I know, THOSE people, have a philosophy or religion or pathos, something that creates a filter between their innermost thoughts and feelings, and the outside world. Anything that doesn’t fit the filter’s rules simply doesn’t come out. The truly disturbing part is that, regardless of the filter, it hurts those who have one. Even if your filter shapes your personality into someone who does everything they can to please and respect others, something is wrong. Where does the uncertainty go? What happens to the feelings of fear, malcontent, sadness, jealousy, selfishness, and rage? Do they just go away? If you can’t show these feelings, what do you become? I truly and firmly at this moment believe that a person’s true heart, true soul, that honest feeling of being alive, that SOMETHING, that something is shown through our vulnerabilities. I would much rather be with a messed up woman that I felt embraced me emotionally with all her fear, with all her sadness, with all her rage and depression, so horribly hurtful and spiteful that I would be as close to crying as I would smiling; than with someone who was attempting to show me the best parts of themselves, someone who wouldn’t know how to deal with their vulnerabilities, their fears, the reality of life. These things that we associate as negative!what do they really mean? Why do we feel them?
Don’t repress the bad feelings. Being able to cry is a beautiful gift. It means you are embracing life with all the sensitivity and vulnerability necessary to really enjoy the good parts.
I go about life with my perceptions and feelings bare, leaving me vulnerable as if I stood naked in front of those around me.
Most people don’t do that, and for good reason. It’s terrifying.

this morning when I went outside, it was snowing, very slightly, and there was no wind. The sun was shining. Combined, this all made it look like someone was sprinkling glitter from the sky everywhere.

So im sitting here. music is on my mind as usual. but first, I highly recommend you check out the latest daily show and colbert report. with the writers back, its good stuff.


Beirut is good stuff also.

Beirut sounds like... Balkan folk music meets indie soul with lots of hooks. anyway, this is for you.
what they did, is record a really cool video for each song on the new album. and its over there, all of em. sweet right!

enjoy the Eclipse! watch out for cluthuc.