Sometimes I find it hard to write. The act of writing feels to me like taking a whole and breaking it into pieces, then describing as many of the pieces as I can before you lose track of which piece went where. I need to break the whole because the whole concept doesnt exist in words, and the act of finding words to describe the whole breaks it up and re-structures it in a way that never quite feels as complete as the impulse I had, the impulse before I put it into words.
I've been struggling lately. I dont really wish it was any different, and I am not despairing. I dont think I despair often. I think ive been through some things that make it hard to give up. What right do I have to stop trying, stop caring, stop living when all these things I've experienced made me feel all these things?
I'm struggling with school. Specifically, with being able to dedicate time and effort to assignments. I grasp the concepts well enough, but I need a better work ethic.
I'm struggling with interpersonal relationships. Without slinging any mud, my expectations for people I trust weren't met, and I felt like my trust was broken. I don't like looking at it as if that means i'm not responsible for the hurt I feel when my trust is broken. I am responsible. And as I go on i'm learning that things I took for granted morally I should not expect from others. I should appreciate it when it comes, but expecting it hasn't been working out. And I could just as easily not met the expectations of others. I need to remember that. All I really know how to do to fight this is to be honest. I try to make sure that what I expect from people is clearly stated. Is that enough? I don't know.
I'm struggling with music. I have not written a single musical thing im really proud of since I left the PCE. I'm afraid that the ideas just aren't in me. That if they were in me, im not providing a good, nurturing home for those ideas. That I cant express myself musically alone. I know I can, I just havent done it in a while, and I miss it.
I know what the solutions to these are
1) Be kind to myself, forgive myself for not succeeding while trying harder while acknowledging when im trying.
2) Be kind to others, forgive them when they do not succeed while trying to be more accepting while acknowledging that I have needs and thats not a weakness.
3) Play music every day, let myself feel whatever comes.
