what is left? I am left. and by the time that last bit matters, Ill have left. Bereft of notice, warning, or ceremony, ill be gone. im not suicidal. its katimavik. although. I have done this many times before. in different ways, with different people, I have lived compartmentalized lives.

We, collectively, are an anthill. The internet leads me to soo much cool stuff, webcomics, movies, anime, music. soo much creative expression that deeply affects me, that I feel a profound connection with. but theres too fucking much! I have realized that If i wanted I could spend my whole life just CONSUMING this stuff, delving deeper and deeper into the bowels of these art forms. and I would love every minute. and I would also cease to exist in real life.

When you look at the anthill, you see a few ants, but you cant see all of it at once. too many ants moving. but if you unfocus your eyes, you can see/feel all of them at once, in an almost spiritual way.

GAS STATION NOTE #4
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

"Music is expression". Every time you express an opinion, you get further away from something, and you get closer to something else. Where am I going with this?

Usually this only applies to people you know. What about musicians, writers? They express opinions that anyone and sometimes everyone ( and rarely noone) hears. This means their opinions "move" them(percieved) WAY faster "war is scary" is a totally normal thing to hear from an average person. When an Expresser says it, he (percieved) becomes a billion different things labelling him at once. You must be Left, then. You must not care about freedom, then. Why dont you protest, you hypocrite? You dont wanna help the world.
I dont know how, but I wanna distance myself from a world that evaluates and re-evaluates everything I do until I am defined as an ever-deeper flowchart that tells me who I am. No bars, no notes. can i express myself without further labelling myself? Can I say something meaningful without, percived or otehrwise, turning, moving, or changing into something? This is stupid. I hate opinions. I like certian things, others I dont. Im so scared of being unflexible. I am addicted to selfawareness and self actualization. Its paralyzing, when you think about it too much. Everything Everyone says or does changes them or furthers their opinions already in place.

GAS STATION NOTE #4
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

The big question for each new culture generation: what defines you? where do you stand! isnt it more like: what do you reject? what do you hate? hippies hated opression, boomers hated "evil", Punks hated establishment/authority. Can a group of people have a definable culture NOT centred around rejecting something? Or is that apathy?

Everything I say or do changes who I am... AHHH

GAS STATION NOTE #3
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

Innocence, In a sense
is a nicer ignorance
Ignore reason, to Believe
Being alive, I conceive
Is all I need. I concede;
Some may see my spiteful language cowardly
but dont you see?
Its unnecessary. all this shit, these
promises, deals, hopelessly using fear.
lets be clear.
I do not swear, for the sake of Jeering.
Its just, "when you die, everything
Every thing will be alright, If you do
what I say"
Meanwhile, I sit and smile
I know your mind, and its sterile.

I have a few songs I love. Love love love to the point that I cant do much else than enjoy them when they are playing. I was scared I wouldnt have this feeling forever, so I stopped listening to them for a couple of months. Im listening to them again now. DOES absense make the heart grow fonder? I dunno. I do feel really good right now, though.

GAS STATION NOTE #2
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

Roll, Roll, Roll.
I gotta keep Rolling
If, one day, things get better, Ill keep those promises.

Roll, Roll, Roll,
Rolling away

If I could summarize
all of it
Theres soo fucking much



Itch, always hinting
hinting at something
Itch, you make me Roll.

Rolling cause its not enough
Rolling as if I had a destination
DESTINY, what can it be
Destined to itch for my
Destination, which doesnt exist.

Its like im at that part of the movie where the hero realizes what he needs to do to fix everything, and theres dramatic music playing, maybe a montage of some kind. I feel like that.

GAS STATION NOTE #1
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

I want you
to be curious about me
I dont think I can do it

Conventionally

I love smoked salmon
Im online too much
I love taking pictures

SWM
got time for me
WTF
If you're free, I'm free.

If you like
you can obsess
every little detail,
Ill selfishly confess
I think out loud
that line was Meta

I think im witty
WTF
do you follow me

Heh Heh heh
nevermind...

Keyboard tells me what I can and cant say. I cant scream into a keyboard and get the same effect on the screen. I cant! Arrgh. words are only part of what I think, feel and say. Im fucking pissed off

Leaving for nine months... january 9th. Arrgh! I cant wait, but im scared. Im only working for spending money right now, rent for DEC is paid up. I keep thinking of song ideas. Saw Magical Mystery Tour last night, its TRIPPY!
anyway, see you, foxy lady.

Fun fact:
I get overstimulated REALLY easily.

Just saw a movie.

Dan in Real Life

Its really good. It made me want to scream. when I get overstimulated, I want to like flail around and scream and freak out. its totally wierd. Ill get in these moods that are totally out of place and wierd. In my head it makes sense; like I realize something awesome that I didnt know, some sort of self-actualizating thoughts, and I grin as hard as I can, and I stifle a scream. it sounds like "eeeee!" when I stifle a sceam, by the way. God, it happens soo much, its like just below the surface I want to explode! some day I will write a song designed to release this energy. Woe to the listeners.

Tomorrow, Today

All

Love

IF

WHEN!


its a thing that you can see but if you care then no.

Under the everywhere dont check the closet; its hiding... its hiding...

Besnard Lakes- Agent 13

BARR- Context ender

LIFE!

NO!

MAYBE!!

QUEBEC!

FRENCH!


WORK

WROKW
WOKR
WOKRWOKROWKORWKOK

Euphoria!

Euphoria!

MASSES! LISTEN! EUPHORIA!

Crazy Love.
EUPHORIA!

Hopeless.

HOPELESS EUPHORIA!

YEAH!
:)

...

Fifty three.
maybe never, maybe always.

Today, If you want, I can make you feel amazing. Better than ever, in a fulfilling, self actualizing way.

http://myspace.com/barrbarr

Click "Context Ender"

I keep thinking blog-worthy thoughts at work only to find they are gone when I get home. Its like different places "store" my thoughts. I guess thats what a memory is though. Wierd... I could have sworn I read an article about this at work the other night...
:P

Detective collective are movin up! we are even playing a show and recording and stuff.

you know how sometimes a person gets a song stuck in their head all day?
well I had the theme from Full House in mine.
ARRGH!

It got me thinking though.

What sort of things can happen/a person can do in life that would be really really akward or wierd if the theme from Full House was playing?

haha. so yeah. Sort of wierd.

cant think of anything else to talk about that doesnt fit into these categories:

1) Really mundane and boring
2) Exciting for me but mundane and boring to most people
3) Overly Whiny, emotional, or love related.

Soo, Gnight.


OOh! ooh!
I learned a new song!

"Save Yourself"
By Tarkio.

Happy halloweeen!
The bonfire was nice.
So is having money and days off. Ahh...
Also, im in a band now (The Detective Collective) and its going well.
Yep.
seeya!

Hmm. Need to take a trip somewhere.
Vancouver!

Ill check concerts

Im devising a set of questions I can ask people to see if they are ignorant wastes of space.
Biased, arent I?

1) Deep fried Cigarettes: delicious or not?

When Im up on stage, what will I say just before I play?

I just dont fit in with these stylish indie kids.

There are people who dont get it, and wish they did.

There are people who dont get it, and dont know.

There are people who dont get it, and dont care.

There are people who get it.

Worst of all...

There are people who get it, and are elitists.

FUCK THE ELITISTS

Ive been putting a lot of videos on youtube lately.
you should watch them!

I even play guitar.

JUST got back.

more tired than I have ever been. Did a graveyard right after getting back.
ZZZ
AHHH!
lol.
seriously though...
great opener for the concert.
DIE MANNEQUIN...
GOOD FUCKIN PUNK!

FINALLY

Its my day off.

I have lots of days off now
:)

excited abotu artspeak tomorrow and teh concert on the following day, and Lorwyn drafts on the next one after that .

WHEEEE

I feel soo fluid.

Positive:
Im slowly learning about myself, and i love the independance I have now. I control my life!

Negative:
I feel like I cant trust anything or anyone for 100% sure. Its like walking on a waterbed.

+:
My house, my rules. AND im making money!

-:
Where did all my high school friends go?


Good:
I get to see sunrises and full moons.

Bad:
I sleep when everyone has the social time.


Yeah!:
I can finally practice guitar whenever I want!

BOO!:
and yet I havent much... damn atrophic freedom!

Love you.

Hey, tonight I am going to talk about the saddest thing in the whole world.

Just kidding! I have no idea how to fairly judge what is more sad and what is less sad. I haven't had a "good" (read: long) post for a while, so here goes.

umm


umm

umm


Memory.. is


arrgggh



ARRRGH!


Music ! ARRRGH!



blah!



ok, ill explain this. When I find a song I love it triggers my memories. Broken Social scene, for example, seeps me in memories of past love, one sided love, and wistfulness in general. I keep getting flashbacks to girls who at one point knew me, and we cared about each other. Then, cause the internet is good for creepy people like me, I get to randomly see these people's lives on Facebook, etc.

I just stare at the screen and I cant stop thinking about the past. I bet you could have guessed this, but I don't really function like a regular person when it comes to relationships. I never really "get over" someone I care about. Its always there, one way or another. I can still have new relationships, and they are just as awesome. But as time goes on, I get overwhelmed with all of them, all at once. Fucking memories! I am incapable of forgetting each and every time I made her care. Each and every time she told me I mattered. FUUUCK!
SHE can forget, and move on.
Why cant I?
I cant stop loving people? this is weird...

I met a crazy person the other day.
crazy people are amazing conversationalists!

I saw an amazing sunrise today.
I couldnt ignore it, even though I have seen many.

Ive heard the phrase

Live every day as if it was your last

But for me, life is more like

Live every day as if it was your first.

Miss you Tim.

Not sure what to say today, But i can sum it up real quick with a timeline...

5pm friday:
work till
10pm friday:
then go home for 1/2 an hour, and then go to
11pm friday:
work till
7AM saturday:
cab home
7:30AM sat:
sleep till
4:00AM Sat:
ONE FUCKING HOUR TO DO EVERYTHING UNTIL
5:00pm Sat:
Work till
10pm Sat:
Home again for 1/2 hr, then (you guessed it)
11pm sat:
work till
7AM Sat
(this goes on like this until 7 AM monday.)

So yeah. no time for anything, FUCK I WORK TOO MUCH!

Miss everyone!

ignore this one








im soo glad I got to talk to you today. Im still...
Arrgh

i cant control myself very well

I want you!

arrgh
but thats just that part of me, rambling.

I need sleep
I need YOU!
arrgh
but I need to do it right this time

careful
not scary
caring
not smothering
loving
not needy
funny
not offensive

could we ever be together? maybe? i dunno.
never say never
but no pressure on you
so, im not going to stress
at all
well, I will stress
but you wont know
or you wont be affected by it
cause I dont
want to scare you away
ARRGH

so i got a haircut right

and its short

shorter than that.

wayy short.

anyway, my new place is cool.
Its still very surreal.
Miss you all!

Moved IN!
its a nice place.
wanna see it?
Photos maybe later.
for now, tired ZZZzzzZZZ

PACKIN!
i move tomorrow.
!!
!!
!!
excting!!
so yeah, if I dont post for a while, internet issues. should be online and ok pretty soon after I move.
busy busy busy!

oh yeah, something deep and personal...


I have a long memory,
and a toubled past.

I have a gentle hand
and a distant heart.

I have a knowing smile
and a cautious glance.

I have memories of you
I have memories of you
I have memories of you.

You wanna get rich?
Quick?
Ill tell you how.

Be born rich.

If you cant to that, try and get the rich people richer. If you can, they will give you a little bit of their richness, and you will be rich too. Once you are rich, its easy. Money makes more money if you have plenty to start with.

it all seems so small now.

2 things in life make me feel like I should just spend my whole life doing one thing.

Love(romance)

and Love(Compassion)

...

Lately I question the first. When you take your blinders off, the whole world is on fire. We live in the most peaceful, isolated place right now, but that shouldnt be an excuse to pretend people arent dying for horrible reasons. I feel drawn to help. I dont know what to do, though.
Damn you National Geographic...
yeah right, like we can pretend to be ignorant to the wars and the violence anyway...

ok thats it, enough laziness. time for a BIG topic.

EVERYTHING!

Wayy back when, (think around 40-50 years) There were lots of things in place to stop people who felt creative from expressing themselves, and moreover getting their expression-stuff to people who dont realize they wanna find it. This meant that a small number of people actually did it (writers, artists, musicians). This used to be thought of as a filter process: that is, the most talented just happen to also be the most dedicated, and the most creatively inspiring, all at once. You were all three; or you were none. An easy way to separate the inspirers and the inspirees.
Turns out, we were wrong. Talent turned out to be based on enthusiasm, love, and a sense of spirituality with whatever inspires a "Talented" person to create, not some sort of built-in aspect. "Dedication" is an unfair term because wealthy people can spend more time "Dedicating" themselves to their creative craft; people born poor must spend more time making their lives possible (work, food, money-stress etc); not everyone CAN dedicate themselves, due only to their circumstances, not their own choice. Being creatively inspiring back then wasnt about how well your art/music was, it was about ADVERTISEMENT! If 1,000,000 people hear your song, you get 100,000 fans. (Holy shit! 100,000 people like me! Im Rich/Popular!) If 1000 people hear your song and you get 500 fans, was your music more inspiring? It wouldnt feel like it, but you affected HALF your audience, while someone with a media engine and money to burn gets a lot more people, even if only 10% of listeners like him/her. So, the famous/rich/"Best" artists are NOT more dedicated, more talented, or even more inspiring to their audience. This is the way things have been going for a long time.

Now, EVERYTHING Is changing.

The ratio of successful musicians to fans overall, averaged across the board, was at least 1:10,000.
This is due to the reasons I explained previously. Our definitions are changing, and the barriers are disappearing. "successful" to me, means happy enough with life to continue writing new material. Its a lot easier to be a successful musician today.

Its a snowball effect. First off, thanks to the Internet and general technology, more and more musicians can express whatever they want, whenever they want. "Getting it out there" is easier than ever. Shit, i mean, look at this blog, LOL. I type at home, and these words instantly become online forever, waiting patiently until the end of time for anyone to read them. I didnt pay anyone so that I can write this; It costs me next to nothing, and nobody tells me what to write. I am Independant, and I dont need anyone's help in the steps between Ideas forming in my head, and this blog'o'words filling up. Dont ever forget how mind blowing that seems to someone, like, 20 years ago. So, more musicians are online. Inevitably, people start listening to more and more different bands. Listening to these bands inspires people to be musicians. They then put their stuff online. Which is then found.

Look, its like this.

More MUSICIANS can express themselves cheaper and easier=more varied and unique IDEAS about every topic are available to the audience. More IDEAS=more INSPIRATION since fans have better odds of finding an IDEA that helps them feel self-actualized (inspired). More INSPIRATION=More kids wanting to start a Band to express Ideas, greater confidence in devoting life to INSPIRATION, and less fear of spending time/money on it. Less fear coupled with less time/money needed to express inspiration due to things like the Internet and technology, gives us more MUSICIANS.

MUSICIANS MAKE IDEAS,
IDEAS MAKE INSPIRATION,
INSPIRATION MAKES MUSICIANS.

Thats the snowball effect.

This leads to a question.

If more and more people are being drawn into creating music, what happens to the traditional role of Audience?

Suddenly that 1:10000 ratio I mentioned earlier looks more like 1:1.
Do you realize how fucking incredible that is?

Weird, sometimes I dont write because im paranoid about who reads this, and sometimes I dont write because im depressed that no one will. Fucked up, eh?

In order for me to love someone, I need them to love the art that I love. I dont like that about myself very much. If a girl doesnt "get" my music, thats ok, but if she doesnt ever want to try and understand what connects me to my music, what makes me love it soo much, then I lose feeling for her. Wierd.

Barren

Went to the beach at 3 am

Foggy

Wet

Tide was out. It felt so wierd, standing in the middle of a huge expanse of sand. I looked forward, and I felt peaceful. Looking backwards reminded me of the pull of thousands of human minds buzzing about. It made me realize that I do have a spiritual side, and its very important to me.

Got 100 bucks yesterday, for basically no reason.
good times!

Moving out in two weeks as of today. Im wondering what life'll be like on my own. Everyone else my age is in college, im sort of worried I wont "make it". My priority right now however is to move out on my own, and to live. Thats hard enough.
Check out Detective Collective.

new computer!

regular posts to come?

MAYBE

two chords are in my head right now

Cmaj7 and Em, back and forth.

long day at work, im basically nocturnal now. im excited about moving out soon. This computer randomly crashes; not much fun. been playing lots of guitar lately, also busy busy busy. trying to plan out my money so everything fits for living on my own... scary? yeah kinda. but also doable!
lastly...

DaynightDaynight

Day and night bleed together for me. I wish it did for more people. I work graveyards, so i dont ever quite know when to sleep. This makes me wide awake at decidedly ungodly hours. I dont care tho, life is better when everyone else is asleep. Come to the beach at night, and you will know what I mean.

What makes a person human?

Lets look at the range of answers here, from the mundane to the philosophical.
Is humanity something you are born with? I think so, because babies cant really make decisions about their personalities. As we go through life, we change based on our decisions. Who could I have been if I acted differently? A person living life can lose their humanity if they become slaves to things they hate.

Being able to figure things out doesn't necessarily make you any more able to deal with what you now understand. I never really understood the difference between intelligence and wisdom until recently. I need more wisdom. On a lighter note, I'm really excited about the biweekly random mini-jams me and a friend will be holding at random spots in Parksville. I finally get a no pressure way to perform for people who actually want to hear my playing.

I save every note, email, picture, and message.


Is it masochistic to do this? Ive had many situations where I gave love to people, and received some back. These situations haven't ended well, but I still keep the memories. I also keep physical representations of the memories. I know its weird, but more than two-thirds of the serious relationships I have been in have involved writing notes or letters and passing them back and forth. When I get dumped, I have the ones they wrote to me, and they have the ones I wrote to them. Its intriguing, if neither one of us throws away the letters/notes, its like having the other in the room with you, saying "we were happy before". Am I being "emo"? I know I'm not special for dealing with these issues, everyone does. I am also not looking for sympathy or anything. Basically, I just want to relate whats on my mind without coming off as a whiny punk ass bitch.

...

That said, I miss you.
you know who you are.

Music
Is
Everything
And
Nothing

Stop me if im being pretentious. Oh, you cant stop me? Too bad, I guess. When I hear a band I like, I get obsessive. I listen to EVERY song, including b-sides, rarities, and covers. Then I listen to live versions of as many songs as I can. I even read each interview the band gave. I do all this because I want to know exactly what mindset and influence created each and every sound. Obsessive, yeah. Anyone wanna suggest a band for me? lemme know. Music is everything because it has super amazing magic powers to dictate and control our mood. Music is nothing because it wont physically do anything. Music wont end a war, but it may inspire someone to.

SNAPSHOT:

Im on the computer. Bashu is in bed beside me. Kian is on the couch in the other room. I just had a bunch of people over, and they all had a pretty good time. I feel best when I am surrounded by friends... I am learning more and more how powerful friendship and love are. By "Powerful", I mean a mixture between really good in that I feel great when I have it, and really bad because I face depression when I don't, or when I dwell on lost ones.

Anyway, G'night beautiful.

PS

JAMES IS BACK!!!

I hate Paris Hiltion.

I hate Ann Coulter.


..
..
..

Sorry about that. I decided that if anyone asked what the first words of my blog would be, something along the lines of what I wrote above would work. So um, hello everybody. Wait a sec, thats not right. It would be egotistical to assume that EVERYONE reads my blog. (Also, kinda scary.) Hmm...

Hello anybody.
Isn't that the crazy part about blogs? Its alluring and frightening at the same time to think about how anyone, i mean, ANYONE, could be reading this right now. Thats something new. Man, this interblogospherenetwebscape is crazy! Maybe, all my ex girlfriends are reading this all at once. Maybe, no one will read this, ever. Then again, I would be crazy to write a blog to get people to pay attention to me. No, this is how I see it. I am writing in a journal. A journal that anyone can see, if they want.

I'm not making any promises, baby. I wont sell you any crazy stories about positive writing, or frequent posts. You've been lied to too many times, baby. All I can promise you, Internet-Adventurers, Is a warm smile, random commentary on philosophy, politics, and music, and a Pocket full of dreams.