when did telling each other about ourselves become conversation?

Im filling up my notebooks, you know.

you are a memory or two. actually first you are a part of me. you are who I am.

you see who I am is about what ive done, because certain things that ive experienced mattered a lot to me. They left an impression, you know? they changed the way I saw things and did things in the future. And you- my impression of what it was like to spend time with you- that thing, that thing has left a huge impression on me. Its hit me like a brick to the face, and since then ive seen the world only in relation to that big thing. I cant just say you mean a lot to me, what im saying is who I am, and what Im doing and how I think and what I feel- its all been shaped by a whole lot of chaotic stuff, yeah- but one big part of it is you. I love you because I AM you.

There is so much out there. I could spend all my time just collecting the stuff. The list of things you should know- cause if you did you would be better off- is infinite. Just too big,too many songs, books, paintings, conversations. Thats a really happy, beautiful thing. That mans if you go out looking, there will always be more to see. Thats your secret, beautiful weapon. No matter how trapped you feel, there is always something you would LOVE out there waiting for you. If you have a computer and Internet, art is an all you can eat buffet with and infinite menu that you can go to whenever you are hungry, for free. Its a bottomless rabbit hole.

Remember you should do your best to control what you consume. Thats why I don't have and easy time trusting one message, uniformly sent to everyone against their will. Don't trust television. Don't trust anything that sends one uniform dogma to millions of people against their will. UNLESS it reminds you to think for yourself as a caveat to its opinion.

ok so two people work together and their lives outside of work are told like two stories. work is where they send bits and pieces of their stories to each other. Maybe one person covers the others' shift, and how it affects their lives.

Connect the sounds, connect the words.
Trace the way they fit together.
Focus, form, create a coherent idea.
Believe what you are doing matters.

Your food is people who like what you do

Needing people to care about your art. I have no idea if thats a good thing. CHASE any compelling, inspiring emotion or sentiment you have. They are why you are alive. If you feel bad, in a bored or pointless way, DO something. Try something new. Life is only pointless when you have lost your point. If you can convince yourself that the world has something, anything to do that is better than boredom, then as long as you pursue it, your life has meaning. Smile! You have so much to be proud of. Be proud of all that people have done to express their lives through art. Be proud of your attempt at creating something. (and don't worry about people "getting it") if it felt right to create whatever you made, that is enough.

I was on a greyhound bus headed for Victoria
I met a girl on the bus, she had blond hair and a red sport jacket. she was sophisticated, intelligent. we talked, and she really impressed me. then she offered to go to dinner with me. she took me somewhere to eat, we ate, we talked, and we each paid for our meals. then she left, and I never saw her again. this was a couple years ago, but I dont think Ill ever forget her. I think her name was erica.

Im chasing a certain state of mind. I dont think its peaceful, but it comes with a strange kind of contentment. You know nostalgia? How good you feel about a memory; so good it aches?

Imagine that feeling. Only instead of for the past, its for forever. Being completely overwhelmed by the romantic beauty of all there is, was, and will be. The purity and overwhelming, aching joy that comes with a certain particularly positive mental spin on moral relativism.

I remember sitting on a beach once, and my friends asked me to come in the water with them. I couldn't. I sat on the sand, the only sound being the waves. I just kept thinking "I want peace!" But my mind was not peaceful. I remember looking at all the things in the world I was not in harmony with, and I remember telling myself that if they were gone, I would feel peaceful. There, sitting on the beach, with nothing to see but the water, and nothing to hear but the waves, I screamed out, "PEACE! I want PEACE!" I yelled, I had a nervous breakdown. I wanted music, without music to focus my mind I couldn't stop thinking about all the things and people in my life. No matter what, my brain buzzes. And it can really hurt. But, its not nature or waves that I needed, its music! Right now, I feel good. That nostalgic thing I was talking about. A big part of it is because of the music I'm listening to right now. "I can feel it fade like an AM single" by Spoon, and "Heavy Vegetable" by Slint. I'm not worrying, and I feel like this instant im in right now is where I'm supposed to be. Drinking oolong tea at a coffee shop, before work. Now, to translate this feeling into music... yeah. And love, and people. Getting this feeling WITH someone else would be nice.

I thought I recognized you when I saw that ass.

Turns out, unstoppably sexy women who just happen to be shaped exactly like you from behind exist.


I guess that makes not fucking you anymore a little less sad. OH! Wait! this one has a birthmark to the left of her spine, partially covered by the top edge of her halter top. Her face seems less disdainful too... then again. I don't know. fuck! her ass has magic powers! She must know im here writing right now. no one shows off an ass like that subconsciously... do they? Jaysus she is how! I need a cold shower. or sex with this woman. actually... yeah Id rather have the sex.



AHHHHH

Self Esteem


-the moments you feel in love with a person, place, thing, or idea are infinite. As long as you remember them, you are constantly experiencing the joy that they come with, if you want to.

-If you have the capacity to love, you have the capacity to be loved.

-If you sincerely care about someone, someone will sincerely care about you. If you feel inspired by someone's art, someone will be inspired by you or your art.

-If you are truly trying, that is enough.

you probably don't meditate daily. Thats ok. Think carefully about your daily routine. Is there a particular time where you find yourself waiting with nothing urgent to do for at least 30 minutes? During this time you can meditate. I use this term loosely. I I define meditation here as any conscious effort towards any form of better understanding of yourself, or even yourself in relation to others. Try these:

-music -writing -reading poetry -knitting -breathing, focusing on your breath -wondering -thinking -letting your mind rest on particularly nostalgic or important memories -being honest with yourself about your current state of mind, needs, feelings.

And feel free to mix and match these.

I do NOT recommend:

-video games -Books that tell a story that doesn't reflect on your life, desires, feelings -Tv -Movies

Good times, with your friends.

a new song, you love.

a new romance.

a road trip.

Ive got a desire to chase these.

Being a musician might get me there.

It feels great to meet new people, do new things, go to new places, hear new songs. The rush that comes from possibilities, maybe that's one reason I'm here.

-go to any art or music event, especially things which are DIY or youth associated.

-make a sign hang it anywhere:
-you are not alone
-someone loves you
-find peace
-etc

-Be open, kind, welcoming, and joyful towards people, especially those you have just met.

-Make things for people: mix cds, art, clothing, homemade food, fix something they broke... etc. anything tangible. listen to what they need.

-most of what people desire is never stated clearly, or with words. Do your best to sense the nonverbal stuff, and just do your best. Be satisfied that you are trying.

-Take some time to make sure that who you are and what you believe is reflected as best as you can in your appearance.

-When an idea, a piece of art, sex, a conversation, or anything you take in with your senses fills you with emotion, express it in a way that gives it a kind of permanence. This could be music, painting, drawing, sculpting, knitting, associating a song with the event, sex, a change in how you treat someone, whatever. Just DO something with it that you will remember.

-Be honest with yourself... dont be afraid of questions. questions will lead you to truth.

-Share these tips with people you think will benefit from them.

Ten Things

1. Surviving Desire by Hal Heartley

2. Once upon a time in the west by Sergio Leone

3. Jailbird by Kurt Vonnegut

4. The Perks of Being a Wallflower

5. Free Culture by Lawerence Lessig

6. F#A#oo by Godspeed You! Black Emperor

7. Chrono Trigger, by Squaresoft

8. The Decemberists

9. yesbutwhatdoesitmean.blogspot.com

10. An earnest and committed desire to understand me, you, those you love, art, everyone, everything.

PSST something is coming, soon

Wow. A whole week without posts. Partially, my keyboard was dead. beer poured on it. not even my beer. partially, time is slipping away...

I like Devendra Banhart and following my dreams

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/steven_pinker_chalks_it_up_to_the_blank_slate.html

I like this!

Its too red, its too much more than less than the most of before. Colours and happy and smile now please? and car rides when you were younger and lyrics that JUST FIT. THEY JUST FIT OK? I hear how they fit and I feel like I know what its like to make them fit, I feel like it was me that pieced them together. I feel like I was in the room writing them, but Ive never heard them. That feeling like you knew them before you heard them. Someday Ill be able to write those, not just feel like ive already been doing it. Ill keep trying. and... Ive got soo much left to do and see and experience and love and smile and kiss and run and scream and giggle in my strange little way and where did the negative come from?

lots of things and things and things. Life is ok and also more than and less than. Im going to shambhala! and im doing some things I need to do, which feels good. Getting in touch with family is always nice :) also... things. and things. Plastic Chair Explosion, Detective Collective, and some of my own things are ongoing, doing things. Ill link to my vimeo sometime; i have some videos of victoria things there. seeya!

theres a light

and its not a light

and its a place

and the place is wide open

plains maybe

and that place is in me

my head or heart, dont know

but its there

and when I can see it I feel infinite

and when I show it to people, and I think they can see it, I feel infinite

and whats so bad about being in love with love anyway?

What is it that keeps you from perusing your dreams?

Is it fear?

Is it lack of confidence?

Is it family and friends who tell you you can't do it?


Those questions keep me honest. and kind of a prick.

I AM SITTING HERE GOING CRAZY AT HOW INSANE IT IS TO EVEN POST THIS. FROM THE VANTAGE POINT OF BEING A PERSON WHO EXISTS MINUTES AFTER HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE, I DO NOT AGREE WITH WHAT I SAID. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I DISAGREE OR HOW MUCH, BUT THIS IS "A" ME, NOT A PERMANENT STATEMENT OF TRUTH OR WHAT I BELIEVE.

____________________________________________________________________________
Jesse

http://www.soallmayeat.org/

this makes me happy

its a restuarant where people pay whatever they want to

and those who cant pay anything are encouraged to volunteer for them for a while

but they dont have to

people with money and those without eat together

and they are actually making enough money from this to cover costs

puts faith in humanity

and it doesn segregate the poor from those who have money

3:35amXXXX

hmm....

3:35amJesse

just seems like a neat idea

3:35amXXXX

the collectivization of farming would make this an ever-present possibility

3:36amJesse

yeah

its only a small scale model

but man

its working!

3:36amXXXX

but freedom like that can only come from chains

3:36amJesse

its no revolution, but its somehting

3:36amXXXX

it's interesting yeah

3:36amJesse

and it makes people think when they hear about it

and that is enough

id like to have more of them

tonigstrange nightht is a

tonight is a strange night

I just got a DNA test back confirming who my father is

he wanted me to call him,

but its too late, he is sleeping.

ive never met him, but we exchanged email recently

i dont think ill sleep tonight

3:40amXXXX

that would make for a strange night, you're right

i don't envy that sleeplessness

3:40amJesse

actually its a nice feeling.

sort of excited

plus I tried MDMA (dont worry, it was pure) about 36 hours ago, and im just coming off it.

have you ever tried it? its a strange feeling. its the only substance ive tried where you are still lucid and in complete control of your mind and body.

3:41amXXXX

yeah, i do drugs of that sort frequently

ecstasy has an easier comedown because of the speed

mdma is a diving board

3:42amJesse

mm. I dont know if I would be a regular, but I could see having 200mg over the course of a day once in a while, if I plan it out.

3:42amXXXX

i don't mean regular

3:43amJesse

mmhmm

for me it would probably be every 1-2 months or so, probably closer to 2 months

3:43amXXXX

i do whatever is there

there's no harm in it if you're not an idiot

the key is

do not think about it so much

3:44amJesse

from a health perspective, its harmless to do it infrequently. even safer than alcahol, I think. I could see a mental dependance.

3:44amXXXX

drugs are not religion

3:44amJesse

thinking is religion

3:44amXXXX

drugs are not thought

3:44amJesse

mhhm

drugs can be a conduit , a lens for thought

but shouldnt be used to repress

3:46amXXXX

don't flop around in some lousy youthful diatribe pond before you have a chance to feel the river fella

i mean

don't go into anything with pretense

3:46amJesse

fair enough. if we all question ourselves often enough, hopefully pretense can be avoided.

but really question.

3:46amXXXX

you might as well walk into the ocean right now if you're going to approach anything with anything like that as your sidearm

3:47amJesse

mmhmm!

man, assumption of having some kind of superior or deeper understanding of something, of belonging to an enlightnened group

thats a hard feeling to get rid of when you feel like you are more open

but in a way it closes you

its kind of sad

I think that was an impression I got from teh chrome horse at one point.. i remember talking with erin about it

3:48amXXXX

hmm

3:48amJesse

its really hard to be accepting when you think you are already accepting

if your actions reject people who you precieve as not worthy of acceptance, maybe because they are seen as not accepting themselves

loving those who dont love, tolerating the ones who wont tolerate

3:49amXXXX

let me tell you something

well, your little group of friends was what destroyed the chrome horse

let me tell you something

3:49amJesse

not because you are better, but because no one is.

wow!

3:49amXXXX

you.guys.thought.you.owned.the.place

3:49amJesse

that is a lot of credit.

3:50amXXXX

i'm not "crediting" anybody

3:50amJesse

I agree that its possible that its true that we did that.

do you agree its possible that we didnt?

cause if we arent coming from that kind of view, I dont see this as a discussion.

3:52amJesse

although to be honest ive never seen it that way, so if your view helps me get a better picture of what happened, im glad you are taking the time to let me know

instead of dehumanising me and not talking to me directly as a way to vent

you already have my respect, is what im saying

3:53amXXXX

no

don't talk about dehumanising for sure though

anyway

it's a pointless matter cuz it's done with

3:53amJesse

i dont think so.

3:53amXXXX

no

3:53amJesse

I think I could learn from it.

i mean if I contributed directly to something as awesome as the chrome horse being fucked over, id like to not ever do it again.

do you think we had respect for you guys?

3:54amXXXX

yeah, it happened

donezo

no

3:54amJesse

do you think we admired you guys?

3:54amXXXX

probably

3:55amJesse

ok, so the intention was there, but the actions didnt work.

do you think you guys were welcoming to us?

3:55amXXXX

no

3:55amJesse

ok, well fuck cliques and fuck you is my first emotional response

but i mean something different

when i make it logical

music is beautiful. and we all feel that

3:56amXXXX

haha

3:56amJesse

the ability to express anything in a way that works better than words on paper is awesome

3:56amXXXX

if you said that, it would be hilarious

3:56amJesse

semantics

but i know cheesy right

3:56amXXXX

yes

3:57amJesse

anyway, we didnt really come there to win a fucking battle of the bands. we came there cause we had nowhere to play in parksville, we were a new band, and we were excited to play some music.

3:57amXXXX

stuck up kids popping in to play a few songs and tell us to get off the stage and shittalk us for being drunks in our own HOUSE basically

will not be taken too well

3:57amJesse

hahahaha

who was stuck up?

humanize those you disagree with!

we were all stuck up from someone elses point of view man

3:58amXXXX

DONT tell me to fucking humanize ANYBODY

3:58amJesse

I dont personally think anyone was really stuck up, but I could make an argument for anyone.

I can and I will

3:58amXXXX

you are fucking ridiculous

get some EXPERIENCE

the day you are fucking crawling with hunger and begging for a cigarette is the day you can talk about humanizing

3:58amJesse

hmm.

can I tell you a story?

I grew up in nanaimo, mom on heroin until I was 12. I walked door to door asking for bottles for some school thing, then used the money to buy food for my 2 siblings.

I spend 12-18 in foster care, then moved back with said mom

then she got pregnant again and the dad fucked off.

shes a guilt ridden shell of a person

and I just met my father tonight.

assuming I dont have any experiences isnt fair and YOU KNOW IT. let your mental image of me change if the facts change you arrogant man.

everyone has shit

some shit is bigger some is smaller

i dont go around bragging about my fucked up life

4:01amXXXX

i'm guessing it's going to be about some horrible starving experience or something now

good christ

4:01amJesse

and I dont use it as a weapon to tell people how little they know.

4:01amXXXX

listen

we're all nailed to some cross

i'm not saying MINE is any worse than YOURS or YOURS is any worse than MINE

i never said a fucking word of that

i'm saying "humanizing" anything is ridiculous

4:01amJesse

you just did.

you implied I had no experience.

im calling you on that.

4:02amXXXX

fuck, that is from this fucked up chat lag shit

fuck, that is from this fucked up chat lag shit

i'm guessing it's going to be about some horrible starving experience or something now

4:02amJesse (quote)

you are fucking ridiculous

get some EXPERIENCE

the day you are fucking crawling with hunger and begging for a cigarette is the day you can talk about humanizing

4:02amXXXX

i never said I had any, for christ's sake

4:02amJesse

thats what you said, right?

4:02amXXXX

yes

i never said i did any of that, right?

OOHAEG"{APIEghQE{goih

AQvojIH[puehgW[RGAW3

AWPOUHPUHWRw

4:03amJesse

thats what pisses me off about the stereotype of a certian group of kids. its so much easier to break other peoples ideas than come up with better ones.

4:03amXXXX

gpoiuhvpuihSpuhSpb

4:03amJesse

anyway, I can tell you that most of the kids at the chrome horse from parksville are pretty stuck up

4:04amXXXX

yes

4:04amJesse

most of them were really young and from middle class parents and didnt know shit

maybe I was an exception but whatever

a few of them were just nice positive accepting people who never judged you or anyone else. but because they were young and akward and had middle class parents, they were seen as stuck up before they even said anything

and I guess I feel bad for those kids

cause judging goes both ways

to be honest I wish all our friends didnt come to the show. I wish we could just play for you guys. It probably could have been worked out then

but they (our firends) didnt know what they were getting into, and they came and felt akward which just made the whole room hostile

add to that they were all voting for us

and it was just a fucking shitstorm

I didnt like that eiether

it just didnt feel right

but man. I looked at you guys, and you had a thing going and it seemed like it was about ideas and music and being open with people who were open with you

and I liked that and I wanted to help and share

but it didnt work like that

and I guess im just really sorry.

I dont really know what ruined the chrome horse, but I know that night didnt help, and it probably triggered a bunch of shit

and im sorry

and im sorry

and im sorry.

4:08amXXXX

yeah, it's fine, i don't mind

4:09amJesse

but man, this fucking hipster shit is poison you know?

ive seen it over in ontario too

you get people who are nice and open and just really like making music real again by peeling back bullshit

but the fucking kids dress like them and you cant tell the real ones from the fake ones

and the bullshit just piles back on

and its got a different style but its the same shit, you know

its like those fucking hot topic stores

you buy a shirt that says fuck FOXNEWS and you buy it at hot topic and the company that owns them makes a deal and that shirt you wear is money in FOXNEWS's pocket and they are laughing at you

but you feel like you are doing something but you arent.

and they are just laughing at you.

does any of this make any sense?

4:13amXXXX

it is the most basic logic driving modern youth subservience

4:13amJesse

yeah.

man, what if the movement was just two words

like, QUESTION EVERYTHING

could that get fucked up and sold out?

4:14amXXXX

obviously it already is

4:14amJesse

i dont know

4:14amXXXX

resignation is the key to action

4:14amJesse

I dont think weve had a movement where all it was was QUESTION EVERYTHING

you get these barnacles of other shit

and it gets lost

4:15amXXXX

modern action

modern action

stop trying to fight the impossible colossus

4:15amJesse

but if it was just those two words

QUESTION EVERYTHING

4:15amXXXX

and work within it

it's much funnier

4:15amJesse

I dont think anything is more sacred than QUESTION EVERYTHING

4:15amXXXX

yeah that's trite

that is definitely used up

4:15amJesse

cause its telling you never to find anything sacred,

not even apathy

not even not caring

nothing is safe from QUESTION EVERYTHING

as long as your ability to question things is limitless, what can stop your mind?

despair maybe

maybe not caring.

but why not care?

4:17amXXXX

what do you mean

4:17amJesse

your cells want to live, so they care.

4:17amXXXX

it's not about not caring

4:17amJesse

your lungs move, so they care

existence proves that everything is trying

4:17amXXXX

it's about the impossibility of effect unless massed together against something realistic, IE 2010 or the WTO riots in seattle

4:17amJesse

so when you dont try, you dont really live.

4:17amXXXX

jesus christ

4:17amJesse

hahah

4:17amXXXX

you are impossible to reason with

4:17amJesse

but who gets do define that word!

realistic

4:18amXXXX

not everything is hummingbirds fucking chinapaper flowers in the yard

4:18amJesse

You are right there

I just cant figure out what real change is

and whether or not a riot thats big enough is the answer

I dont have any idea what needs to happen or what will or wont work

and if you have an idea, spread it

and thats a good thing

4:19amXXXX

okay, listen

4:19amJesse

all im saying is when people question everything, when people try and acheive something, its proof that people are alive.

4:19amXXXX

i can prove i'm alive by taking a piss off a balcony

4:19amJesse

I dont really give a fuck if we are run by 12 rich white men

what I care about is if people still try and think for themselves.

or at least know that thinking for yourself is even possible

4:20amXXXX

well allow them to

stop making attempts to push it like this

4:20amJesse

if one person is still doing that, than no worries

hahaha

4:20amXXXX

this is embarassing

4:20amJesse

but if what im pushing is THINK FOR YOURSELF

how is it pushing at all

4:21amXXXX

let people figure that out

4:21amJesse

im scared they wont

im scared society is making it harder to realize that you need to think for yourself

4:21amXXXX

"think for yourself" has been pushed for 20000 years

it's fine

let it run

4:21amJesse

im scared that if you grow up never being exposed to certain ideas and people, you will think you dont have to.

and that complacency is the source of a lot of fucked up shit

maybe, i dont really know

Im an asshole and a condescending douchebag about it, but im talking to you because I want to learn from you

I dont know how to say it without coming off as an asshole

4:23amXXXX

i'm telling you

TRYING to tell you

that in my "EXPERIENCE"

RESIGNATION is the ultimate cardinal projection of something other than attempted subservience

stop fighting something that exists in every single person

and realize that it is happening

you will never change a hong kong crosswalk

4:25amJesse

but it does change...

I dont change it myself

but it does change

and how and why

and do I affect that

4:26amXXXX

it's gonna happen no matter what

no matter the size of the riot

no matter how many kids shop at some mall

4:26amJesse

whats going to happen?

4:26amXXXX

no matter how many people beat off into a penman's sports sock and cry about individuality

we are all living in a strange place

it's gonna happen no matter what

4:26amJesse

whats going to happen?

4:27amXXXX

and if you think you can change it

4:27amJesse

what is going to happen?

4:27amXXXX

you're not thinking for yourself

you're TRYING to think for everyone else

4:27amJesse

one more time,
what is going to happen?

4:27amXXXX

THE SHIT

4:28amJesse

what shit?

4:28amXXXX

THE SHIT IS GOING TO HAPPEN

4:28amJesse

you mean, regardless of what people do, their actions will always lead to things happening?

4:28amXXXX

oil companies! t-shirts! smiling idiots! hypnotism on a global scale!

this chat thing is lagging

time to sleep

no

4:29amJesse

and that no matter what people do, it causes action, so even if it seems like you affect it, you are helpess because things cant not happen?

4:29amXXXX

i will explain this maybe some other time

4:29amJesse

hey wait

before you go

im glad you gave me your time. people die and time is a currency and people only hacve so much and for whatever reason i have some of yours now. thank you

Thanks everyone for coming to the show! the Plastic Chair Explosion lost its stage virginity to you.

I had a dream. It was nighttime, and I think I was in Arizona. It wasn't Arizona, i've never been to Arizona. it was my idea of what Arizona was. There was a brick wall at my back, and open flat land before me.

I procrastinate too much. I should really do something about that.