I took a lot of pictures tonight. Ill put em on facebook tomorrow maybe. I had a good day also. some good random encounters. wandering downtown victoria at night when you dont know anyone with a guitar on your back, a camera, and a pencil and some paper. good times :)

Im going to be in victoria this weekend!

yep. I hope I have some good times. I feel like getting out of Parksville for a few days will help me organize my life somewhat. Alright! also, im playing a show at the end of the month.

Ok so you join the group because you were born into the group so you didn't really join you were just always in it. you are in a group against your will. now the group thinks something collectively. its shifting and hazy but its something. when you think something that goes against the collective thought, you have a few choices. you can get used to being seen as an ASSHOLE or a DICK or a SELF-CENTRED PRICK or a FREAK or something, or you could run away from people who say that. from there on, you could try and find people whose collective morality fits yours better. but its still collective, so it shifts and changes and NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU THINK IT FITS IT DOES'NT! IT DOESN'T FIT! you are you. you are not them. they aren't them either. no one is completely in harmony with the collective morality. the collective morality doesn't fit anyone. I know that sacrificing and compromising and letting things go is how we work as a social species- that is, either with or without the knowledge that the collective morality does not fit, we act like its fine and no need to worry and really, IM FINE! and shit like that. euphemisms and connotations. I call it repression cause it bothers me, you might call it harmony or acceptance or something that makes it seem good. I cannot say that its good or bad. not objectively! but I, right now, do not like how completely inescapable and insincere it feels. and thats my emotions. so, the music I make has to come from that. not a member. defiant. defiance. DEFIANCE MOTHER FUCKING COMPLETELY USELESS AND TRAGIC AND STUPID AND POINTLESS AND PITIFUL DEFIANCE.

or maybe im just an asshole.

Two pieces of advice.

Spend your life finding out what you like, what matters to you.

Also, spend your life doing something towards what matters to you. Getting it, trying to get it, thinking about it, enjoying it, appreciating it, just about anything that somehow acknowledges through your actions that you have things that matter to you.

Do this and you are on the path to happiness.

ok I read it and im trying not to freak out. I know deep down I want to be more than that, but on some level I wish I could have that. but If I had that I would end up never being able to have more than that. but I bet you think I just want that, and claim to want more as a way to trick you in to getting that at least- settling. FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU. im a love supernova and fuck you for doubting me. I dare you to come to my house and sleep in my bed and ask me the questions and walk with me on the beach tonight. I guarantee I feel like I have all the answers you will ever need. I really really feel like I have everything you ever need. but maybe that just call all I need is someone, anyone, to need me! hahahahahbwahabahahahhah! yeah I didnt mean to go out on an emo note there.

You went out for a walk
I'm sure you went a long ways
Sorting things out in our heads
We'll forget in a few days

In the place before you're made
They give you all these options
Like if you've got wings
Or have you got feelings
Or can you breathe underwater?

He chose lifting ten times his weight
And natural body armor
And then on the day his mother gave
He came out as an insect

People talk in soda pop
They talk it quite a lot
The opinions that I don't give
Are the opinions I don't got

White lies fall off my yellow teeth,
I didn't convince you but I believed
White lies fall off my yellow teeth
I didn't convince you but I believed
white lies fall off my yellow teeth
I didn't convince you but I believed

All so plain it's all a plan
It's all so true of everyone
The sky does not ever end
The air just gets much thinner

I knew a man who went on and on
About how he knew a man who knew a man
Who knew a man who knew him once
You can keep digging down and down inside
And even turn around or find in hell
You're digging up again

Some hippie told me, "Free your pets"
So I let them all go free
It didn't take no time at all
For them to run on back to me

Top 10 things to "get" me

1. Surviving Desire by Hal Heartly

2. Once Upon a Time in the West by Sergio Leone

3. Jailbird by Kurt Vonnegut

4. The Perks of Being a Wallflower

5. Free Culture by Lawerence Lessig

6. F#A# Infinity by Godspeed you! Black Emperor

7. Chrono Trigger, by Squaresoft

8. The Decemberists

9. www.yesbutwhatdoesitmean.blogspot.com

10. an earnest and committed desire to understand me, you, those you love, art, everyone, everything

There are worse things to be obsessed with than romance.

There are worse things to be addicted to than Love(being wanted).

I humbly state this.

Buddhists seem uncaring to me.

What would a Buddhist sing about?

All pain is desire.
So in order to fully experience the joy of having a desire fulfilled, you must be prepared for equal and opposite pain.

If stated in an interesting way, these thoughts could sustain me.

Beauty can not be taken.

Beauty can not be kept, held on to.

REAL Beauty is something you never posses.
you never feel safe around. you never understand.

I'm scared shitless, obsessing instead of acting.
I'm scared of what my actions could do.

Really, its more that words don't work for what % of our human experience

I look at the world all around me

I spit in the face of your idols

While paying the bills of the king.

and he wont even tell you his name.

Ive never said never before
and Ill never say never again


and before you tell me im crazy,

And baby

I know you think you need sincerity

But do you even know what that word means

In terms of you and me

Cause if sincerity

Means making what you feel what you feel what you be

Then if you really want to feel free

Let your feelings float into the sea

Let you mind be changing

Like the wind

Cause when you act what you know but you don't know what you know

You know you'll never win


Let your feelings float into the sea
Let you mind be changing
Like the wind
Cause when you act what you know but you don't know what you know
You know you'll never win


I know it makes you feel a little vulnerable
To ask the question: why does it make you feel?
But wondering baby, wondering is wonderful
and when you're sitting, wondering, you're beautiful.

LETS ALL LISTEN TO PUBLIC ENEMY OK

ok. ok ok ok. lets go. lets go do things now. things are happening now. many things. I got a great birthday present.

I look at the world around me
I spit in the face of your idols
While paying the bills of the king.
and he wont even tell you his name.



Ive never said never before
And ill never say never again

and before you tell me im crazy,

very busy lately. looking forward to some time off. good party, seth! also... hmm. need to get more sleep. this week ive been getting 5-6 hrs, except last night, when I slept at Natalie's. I got a lot there.

How much of who you are did you agree to?

How much of what you believe do you control?


-F E E L I N G- Like What YOU Do Matters to You

That is hard. maybe people who don't express this are just stronger people.

Wanting a person who doesn't want you. that imbalance. When one cares more than the other, the one who cares more gets fucked. So if I care more than her, she is always separate, safe. I am always afraid. So much has been written, said, and sung about it.

When one loves one more.
When I love you more.
I want more from you
Than you are willing to give.

I still don't really know how to deal with that.

So hard to figure out what you think, let alone others. you can never really figure out enough about love to really feel safe interacting with that person.

What do you do
When your mind is not a safe place

Trust--- Scary as fuck

What...self-centred because how else can you do it. Scared to be otherwise. Getting hurt is part of the process, I am quick to say. BUT! its so alien to see someone you want want someone else. It never really feels like something a person can get used to. A Shocking, intimate, real, -personal- realization that you are NOT the hero, the protagonist, whatever. There is no other way to put it. When you love someone that doesn't love you.

something I found online. I worry sometimes... Is this what some people (townies) think passes for morality?


"Are you tired of not getting any pussy? Are you tired of jacking off alone to pr0n of 8 yr olds you gathered off limewire? Well I have some great news for you!

GIRLS ARE FUCKING STUPID AS SHIT.

If you pretend to be interested in what they’re saying for at least 5 seconds they WILL FUCK YOU.

Get your head out of your ass, log out of WoW for a sec, and go outside to a bar or something. Find the saddest most depressed looking chick in the bar (she doesn’t have to be the ugliest) and make a show of striking up a conversation with her under the pretense that you care. Whatever she says, roll with it, no matter how stupid. Just listen and make knowing nods and brief consolatory comments. She will be jawing about some stupid shit...but have strength.

If alcohol is involved you should be able to fuck her tonight. Just persist. Remember, no matter how hard you pester her, if she says "yes" it’s not rape.

This works in almost any situation, not just the bar one given above. You can fuck literally any girl because they are all dumb as bricks. Just remember to only pretend to care about them. If you actually care about them you’ll seem too obsessive and they’ll smell that and this will never work.

Have fun. "

How do you react when he thinks he will sleep with you someday, and hes not afraid to tell you?

I need to brush my teeth more. also, music.

maybe life isnt about making sure you understand how to feel about life.

maybe life isnt about making sure you understand all the variables.

maybe life is about finding out what compels you, and chasing that emotion with reckless abandon.

maybe your life is measured by your actions.

do your actions bring you closer to what you desire?

do the desires of your mind and heart stew in your head without coming out in your actions?

what do you do when your emotions try and tell you that something about you- some desire, is a real, true thing?

you could write how much you miss the way it feels to look me in the eye, but it would never compare to seeing you on my doorstep.

Thats the magic of actions.

Ps im a hypocrite

self-discovery isnt a safe, happy, roses-and-cupcakes kind of thing.

If words are ALL

i have, then how can the world

In My Head get out to the

worlds in the heads of those I care for?

I am equally pissed off by vapid, wilful ignorance and intellectual pretentiousness.

Hello, and nice to meet you, and im sorry that
I forget sometimes myself and other things.

And how do you do, and what do you do
and to whom do you do what, and how do
you do that.

And its such a nice day, in the sun
or the rain, doesn't it feel good, in two
different ways?

And I love you and there. I said it. And
what have I said at all when no one agrees
on the details of love?

Now, ist past 2AM and im up in
five hours and if I wasnt writing this I
would be awake entertaining my thoughts.

And of course an imagination makes everything seem possible,
but only in your head. But why isnt that enough? I want
people more than anything. Loneliness is my first enemy
Im writing to be read. Screaming to be heard.

I break the law sometimes.
I wont tell you when or where or how.