I drink for the hangover
I don't know why
maybe something about the lucidity
feels better than the high

My best days could be behind me
or they might be ahead
I guess in a way, it's every day
I spend more alive than dead

oh To be a man of god, to be a man of god
I want to take comfort in the feeling that you get
from faith that nothing is wrong,
nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong
just read the book and say your prayers
and all your worries will be gone.
and even in a crisis of faith, a moment of doubt
it always comes back to hope that everything will work out.

 So sure, you'd jump off a bridge for me
but would you, show up consistently
until its, proven by what you do,
that you'll be, there for me when I need you

 At the show, at the bar, at the party
with the alcohol and the novelty
it sure felt good to sit and chat with you
will you be there for me when I need you?

 I'm not entitled to some of your time
I'm not entitled to stand here and whine
I'm not entitled to anything at all
and I'll still stand here wishing you would call

Something I wish I could say to people when I first meet them who end up leaving without explaining why:

"Hello. My name is Jesse. You are probably going to feel overwhelmed as a result of something I say or do. I want to apologise in advance for that. I have one favour to ask you. When you decide to leave, be it due to exhaustion, fear, discomfort, a desire for safety, or simply lack of interest, would you be willing to someday tell me why? Not the nice why, not the why we have been trained to say and hear and handle, but the dark, disgusting, soul-crushing truth that sometimes people simply decide to end a connection? Of course it breaks my heart when this happens, but that is what my heart does. it breaks. it breaks at the silliest times, it breaks so easily. I am tender and brash, I cannot take what I give. Please, please, please be honest with me. And when you aren't, please be honest afterwards, someday."

what if someone expressed the frustration at not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration of not being able to express the frustration as well as that person did?

I think I took a picture of someone once
I think I made someone smile once
She said, you made me look good,
honey, I didn't do anything
except press a button.

I think I made someone smile once
I think I was dancing.
I looked over at you,
honey, I didn't do anything
except what felt nice.

I think I used to be better at this
but I don't remember so well
I think I used to be better at this
but I don't remember so, well
I guess I'll just get drunk and maybe
forget that I've been through hell

she asked me to meditate
so we sat down at night, by the lake
it felt like falling asleep, I guess
strangely enough, she got up and left

im sorry my hands shook that night
im sorry most of the time it doesn't feel right
but thank you I guess, and I don't know why
but thank god you gave me one more good time

show don't tell. show don't tell. never have words stung harder than "show don't tell".

have you ever wondered whether or not you want to be loved?
have you ever wondered whether or not you want to be loved unconditionally?

what if you want to be liked this, much, not that much, at this time, not that time, in this way, not that way
what if you want exactly what you predict, with exactly the right kind of surprises mixed in?

if commitment makes you uneasy, seeing a man in front of you
who feels committed, or willing to commit,
wouldn't that disgust you?
I don't know. There are things I need to learn, perhaps things I fear
things I fear will change me once I accept them.

memory is not an easy thing to have sometimes... I don`t know how to say this properly. I think for me loneliness comes from caring a lot about people. Maybe in an unhealthy way? But I can't help it, so I let it in. I can understand the desire to see life as about feeling. Why can't I do that? I feel helpless. What is helplessness in this case? I have these ideals, and they dictate what I do... don't they? Would I be less helpless if I became contrary? if I started randomly doing the opposite of the ought just to prove I am alive? is it as simple "as find a thing to believe in"? What is emotional stability? Maybe it's like swimming instead of drowning. Do things matter to other people as much as they do to me? Different things as well as different amounts, perhaps. How do you measure? Actions? bah! I wish. I met a dark one, darker than me. She made me less afraid of the dark I find when I'm by myself. I should thank her before she dies.

I woke up with a song in my head this morning that I wrote in my sleep. this hasn't happened in ages, lets hope its a good sign.

wanting comes with hurting,
but don't resent the wanting.

risking risks you losing,
risks a loss of what you risked.

what is the alternative?
to hate what you have without having something better in mind

is that somewhere a person can live for long?

hope is the idea that the living should live.
I am alive, therefore I will live in whatever direction I can...

perhaps you.

"The "Night Blind Spot" appears under conditions of low ambient illumination due to the absence of rods in the fovea, and involves an area 5 to 10 degrees wide in the centre of the visual field. Therefore, if an object is viewed directly at night, it may go undetected or it may fade away after initial detection due to the night blind spot."

Browsing online, I found out that this is a real thing. I have experienced this; at nighttime I will cock my head to one side when I want to look at something, because I cannot see it if I look directly at it. Is this a good metaphor? I often feel like sometimes there are things that are harder to understand when you think about them directly. Hmm, what exactly do I mean when I say directly?

Mental issues often feel like this. You know the ones. If I ask you not to think of a pink elephant, you are more likely to think of one than if I just say nothing at all. What does this mean? Does it mean that some problems cannot be solved by mentally focusing on them? Does it furthermore mean that some problems are exacerbated by being focused upon? 

When I speak with people, I often repeat problems or mental trends I have been pondering. Its funny, sometimes my friends talk with each other and realize I have been bouncing the same idea off of each of them. It's nice to ask the same question of different people to see how they respond, to see perhaps a new way of looking at something. So I ask them about this. It sort of shifted into a new statement/question: what if what I have been calling "thinking" has multiple modes?

By this I would semantically mean the difference between a thought and a realization. Think of it like inhaling and exhaling. You can direct your mind somewhere, decide to go to that place. That would be a thought, inhaling. That is definitely a mental space where you can learn something, derive some insight. But what about the other side? What is an exhale? In this case it would be a realization. The feeling you get when you become aware of something not because you force yourself to "work" on it until it is "solved", but knowledge gained from having a mental space that is calm, a source of stillness. That stillness, that "exhale", is a place that, at least for me, has caused me to have realizations, epiphanies. I gain knowledge, I learn something, I become aware. 

What is the value of working for knowledge through thought, versus realization through stillness, calm, relaxed reflection? My mind likes the idea of "balance" as an abstract concept, so the first thing that comes to mind when I see two modes that appear to form different "sides" of something, I just implicitly feel like both are valuable and therefore I should appreciate the value of both. Are people generally oriented towards either ease of realization, or ease of thought? Do we crave one when we spend to much time on the other? Is there a natural balance we implicitly crave? 

I don't know. 

It feels good to know you're trying
when it doesn't feel right, well fuck
But at least you're trying
focus on that, maaaan...

It's important to make new memories
Cause the old ones dry out
Keep making new ones so nostalgia doesn't
wear you right out

I felt that way
now I do not
where it came from
no, I do not

It's time, its the time
It's the time to go right to it
give yourself something new to think about
give someone else something to think about

Things don't happen unless you try
when it feels too good, it will be
enough to make you scream,
scream, "thank FUCK I tried!"

Hold it up
don't hold it up
take your time
take some of mine
take me out
it's about time
do you ever wonder
do you ever wonder
do you ever wonder

If I understood love, I dont think I could enjoy it properly.

Care about things
Care about things
you know you got to
Care about things

Care about people
Care about people
you know you got to
Care about people

Care about living
Care about living
you know you got to
Care about living

Sometimes it's hard
it's hard sometimes
Sometimes it's hard
it's hard sometimes

but don't give up
just keep on trying
and don't ask why
unless you like lying

around in your heard
all over your brain
just make things feel good
and avoid all the pain

you know, bad things feel bad
you know, good things feel good
you know what you must do
you must run from the should

This song is a lie
but at least it's trying
I'm looking, I'm blind,
I'm seeking; not finding

please don't give up
please keep on trying
I love you, you know
Unless I am lying

A lie is a truth
that you want to be true
I love you, you know
I don't care if that's true
I want it, it's you.

I just sat and watched you dance through it
you know I couldn't look away
I never knew, what you could dance through,
And I was better off that way.

It's easy to tell you 'I'm glad that I know'
But it's easier still before I find out

This won't evoke it
It's not even close
This won't evoke it
It's not even close
Until I provoke it
This won't evoke it
Not since I broke it
It's not even close.

If I'm mad when I see you dance it away
I'm just jealous, I'm Just Jealous
If I'm jealous, You know I'm Just Jealous
Part of me wants to dance it away.

Today I don't know if people are born knowing how to be human.
Today that is not something I will assume.

I found an old one from when I was travelling. Here it is:

"
What is a memory? What does it mean? I can think of few gifts as reliable, few gifts as valuable, and few gifts as fickle as a fond memory. If the sum total of our real-life experiences truly do amount to more bad than good, more suffering than joy, it is the profound capacity of the human mind to reminisce and dream which balances the scales. It is in nostalgia for the past and curious awe for the future that we find salvation from reality, meaning from chaos, and soul from the mind.
"

I notice the changes-
the sense, the uh, sense of falling down
down into my chest. Stuttered -
There's no hiding this one.
I saw a movie once, you were there too
He did this and was forgiven
They both agreed beforehand, it seems,
That as long as I try, as long as that part
is true, Well, It all works.
But this hammer on my chest says otherwise.

It says "No".
It says "things don't work that way".
It says "there is a line. you broke this".
Because I am not everyone else.
I used to defend myself, or explain
That it doesn't have to be this way.
Then something funny hit me,
That's not how this works, is it?
It's still a punch to the gut
when I see you
This time, though,
I'm not so sure
what it's trying to tell me.

consider this a cry for help.

I don't want to come out, I want to take off
take off what you thought I was and
and just leave it on the ground
and stand naked in front of you
naked as someone
someone who is not defined in that way
someone who has a flavour, yes,
distinctions, boundaries perhaps,
but not those ones.
no, not those ones.
they didn't come from me,
and they didn't come from you.
so lets take them off, shall we?

oh, to have a friend
to debate feminism with
at two eh em.
we wouldn`t call each other names
we`d treat each other like humans
humans who want to help each other
but aren`t convinced we know how yet.

I have an ear infection today. I dont know exactly if this is due to me being indoors all day, how i'm sleeping, what I eat, or what have you, but my ear hurts. Its not exactly enough to warrant painkillers or going to a doctor, its just this quiet thumping feeling that reminds me every now and then, "hey, this part of your body isn't doing so well". This led me to googling "tinnitus",  a condition where your ears are ringing. Sometimes this happens to me, ill be standing around and suddenly I get this faint ringing sound in my ear that gets  louder, making other sounds quieter by comparison. And then it's gone, and I'm fine again. Don't know where it came from, don't know what makes it go away. I haven't written any sort of music or words or anything creative for a while now. I've been trying to determine whether or not I'm depressed. Do depressed people always know they are depressed? What if this is just how life is now? Things aren't necessarily worse than they have been, I mean some things have gone bad, but about as many things are bad as have ever been. Lately things have just seemed... distant. Things which would have grabbed me and shook me seem to pass right through me. I can't explain whether this is a positive or negative feeling, its just... different. I can't even say for sure it's LESS feeling! Its just like that ringing in my ears. Once in a while, everything just sort of fades away. There are probably good things I can make of this, though. Maybe it gives perspective. Here are some questions I've been wondering about lately:

-How do you know when you should stop being friends with someone?
-What makes some activities fulfilling and other activities less so?
-Why is it so hard to do basic tasks sometimes, like clean the house or keep up with bills?
-Where does motivation come from?


Anyway, there it is. I guess I wrote something :)

im hungry as i've ever been
hungry as i'll ever be


I want to nurture somebody tonight
I want to worship somebody tonight
I want to help you for me tonight

wont you help me to
help myself to help you?

what use is there to be
of no use to anybody
it feels so good to inspire you
and when i'm holding you, holding you

I dont wonder, am I doing this wrong
I dont ask myself, can I write a good song
I just look at you and find a seed
and I shine a light and fulfill a need