Im not on the edge, im in the centre. everyone else is on my edge!


erm.

Ok so selflessness.

Selfless love is the most beautiful love. The love that makes you finally for one moment not see the world from your own confined self, but to really see it as someone else- caring about someone like that. Selfless love! I want selfless love, but the catch is ill never ever be able to love someone selflessly. So, I selfishly want to be loved selflessly by someone. Wow... that person would have to be really...

Selfless!

I love you! I am so sure I do. The love feeling pulls me around, pulls me around. Just please, please, please, tell me who you are!

my hands ache, but my fingers need to move. I lie awake haunted by all the chances at love ive been given. Ive had more women worth building a life around than Ill ever deserve, and ive thrown it all away. Ive seen true beauty, the memory of true beauty is the deepest sadness Ill ever know. I love you. I remember exactly how it felt to love you like I did then. Ill remember forever, so Ill love you forever. I guess im just tired of love. How it grabs you, compels you, rings you out, makes you doubt.
makes you think, makes you scream, makes you change how you used to be. Shapes you dreams, shapes your face, shapes what you sense when that person is in the room. All i ever think about is all the different loves I had. Each one beautiful and perfect, each sacred enough to occupy my mind forever. But there are many of them. I dont need your attention, yet my words go online. I am full of shit.

sometimes when you talk about
your life as you live it out
your eyes want to scream and shower
at lies that were given out

you should know
should i know

so then you try to turn around
and figure life is all about
the happiness you find
in a simple lullaby

and you will try to take it out
by stomping 'round the fertile ground
and killing little seeds of a grass that's yet to be

and you will find

me in the make of a melody
you in the heart of the harmony
timing the time that we start to sing
long with the time of you heart beat

and we will be rid of the weight
that's been placed upon or little backs
a weight that surely had to crack
and i will shout out to the sky
and i'll sing aloud my little songs
that help me move the day along

There is a better way than the way you have it
There are nicer worlds than force of habit
Eight months poor in someones house
Nothing but focusing on Nothing But
Led to a Captain Beefheart album
To scared to laser beam music
Like Captian Beefheart lasered
Eight months just rehearsing
I drag on to this feeling now
Living simply because it is
It is what it is, simply is
What else could it be?
What else could I be?

The afternoon Nap

I read some of a magazine.
and sipped orange soda.
The foodcourt was full of people, but my noise cancelling headphones made it feel like I was alone. Still tired, I had an hour before work. My head rested on the table. I let the music take me into a daydream. I experienced a feeling of contentment.
I can feel content sometimes. Usually with music, exhaustion, and memories.

its the same sunlight
same as the day that I met you

and when it rains at night
please dont forget its the same rain too.

and big weekends, especially in summer
they still happened. dont forget.

and when the fog rolls in
so that you cant see up ahead

why dont you smile?

FUCK

THE

COOL

KIDS

Things just go this way. You are making out with a guy who looks like a pretentious bearded douche bag. We are hanging out at your BIRTHDAY PARTY while you make out with him in the kitchen. Ill admit I wish on some level it was just me instead making out with you, but I think I wouldn't do it while the rest of your party sits around. OK, now *******(persons name) left. You now have 4 guys here, (me and 3 guys I dont even know) sitting here. At least the tunes are ok! But shit this is rude and awkward making, and how you guys are back and milling around like nothing happened so dont worry just have ...( it gets illegible from here on)

when did telling each other about ourselves become conversation?

Im filling up my notebooks, you know.

you are a memory or two. actually first you are a part of me. you are who I am.

you see who I am is about what ive done, because certain things that ive experienced mattered a lot to me. They left an impression, you know? they changed the way I saw things and did things in the future. And you- my impression of what it was like to spend time with you- that thing, that thing has left a huge impression on me. Its hit me like a brick to the face, and since then ive seen the world only in relation to that big thing. I cant just say you mean a lot to me, what im saying is who I am, and what Im doing and how I think and what I feel- its all been shaped by a whole lot of chaotic stuff, yeah- but one big part of it is you. I love you because I AM you.

There is so much out there. I could spend all my time just collecting the stuff. The list of things you should know- cause if you did you would be better off- is infinite. Just too big,too many songs, books, paintings, conversations. Thats a really happy, beautiful thing. That mans if you go out looking, there will always be more to see. Thats your secret, beautiful weapon. No matter how trapped you feel, there is always something you would LOVE out there waiting for you. If you have a computer and Internet, art is an all you can eat buffet with and infinite menu that you can go to whenever you are hungry, for free. Its a bottomless rabbit hole.

Remember you should do your best to control what you consume. Thats why I don't have and easy time trusting one message, uniformly sent to everyone against their will. Don't trust television. Don't trust anything that sends one uniform dogma to millions of people against their will. UNLESS it reminds you to think for yourself as a caveat to its opinion.

ok so two people work together and their lives outside of work are told like two stories. work is where they send bits and pieces of their stories to each other. Maybe one person covers the others' shift, and how it affects their lives.

Connect the sounds, connect the words.
Trace the way they fit together.
Focus, form, create a coherent idea.
Believe what you are doing matters.

Your food is people who like what you do

Needing people to care about your art. I have no idea if thats a good thing. CHASE any compelling, inspiring emotion or sentiment you have. They are why you are alive. If you feel bad, in a bored or pointless way, DO something. Try something new. Life is only pointless when you have lost your point. If you can convince yourself that the world has something, anything to do that is better than boredom, then as long as you pursue it, your life has meaning. Smile! You have so much to be proud of. Be proud of all that people have done to express their lives through art. Be proud of your attempt at creating something. (and don't worry about people "getting it") if it felt right to create whatever you made, that is enough.

I was on a greyhound bus headed for Victoria
I met a girl on the bus, she had blond hair and a red sport jacket. she was sophisticated, intelligent. we talked, and she really impressed me. then she offered to go to dinner with me. she took me somewhere to eat, we ate, we talked, and we each paid for our meals. then she left, and I never saw her again. this was a couple years ago, but I dont think Ill ever forget her. I think her name was erica.

Im chasing a certain state of mind. I dont think its peaceful, but it comes with a strange kind of contentment. You know nostalgia? How good you feel about a memory; so good it aches?

Imagine that feeling. Only instead of for the past, its for forever. Being completely overwhelmed by the romantic beauty of all there is, was, and will be. The purity and overwhelming, aching joy that comes with a certain particularly positive mental spin on moral relativism.

I remember sitting on a beach once, and my friends asked me to come in the water with them. I couldn't. I sat on the sand, the only sound being the waves. I just kept thinking "I want peace!" But my mind was not peaceful. I remember looking at all the things in the world I was not in harmony with, and I remember telling myself that if they were gone, I would feel peaceful. There, sitting on the beach, with nothing to see but the water, and nothing to hear but the waves, I screamed out, "PEACE! I want PEACE!" I yelled, I had a nervous breakdown. I wanted music, without music to focus my mind I couldn't stop thinking about all the things and people in my life. No matter what, my brain buzzes. And it can really hurt. But, its not nature or waves that I needed, its music! Right now, I feel good. That nostalgic thing I was talking about. A big part of it is because of the music I'm listening to right now. "I can feel it fade like an AM single" by Spoon, and "Heavy Vegetable" by Slint. I'm not worrying, and I feel like this instant im in right now is where I'm supposed to be. Drinking oolong tea at a coffee shop, before work. Now, to translate this feeling into music... yeah. And love, and people. Getting this feeling WITH someone else would be nice.

I thought I recognized you when I saw that ass.

Turns out, unstoppably sexy women who just happen to be shaped exactly like you from behind exist.


I guess that makes not fucking you anymore a little less sad. OH! Wait! this one has a birthmark to the left of her spine, partially covered by the top edge of her halter top. Her face seems less disdainful too... then again. I don't know. fuck! her ass has magic powers! She must know im here writing right now. no one shows off an ass like that subconsciously... do they? Jaysus she is how! I need a cold shower. or sex with this woman. actually... yeah Id rather have the sex.



AHHHHH

Self Esteem


-the moments you feel in love with a person, place, thing, or idea are infinite. As long as you remember them, you are constantly experiencing the joy that they come with, if you want to.

-If you have the capacity to love, you have the capacity to be loved.

-If you sincerely care about someone, someone will sincerely care about you. If you feel inspired by someone's art, someone will be inspired by you or your art.

-If you are truly trying, that is enough.

you probably don't meditate daily. Thats ok. Think carefully about your daily routine. Is there a particular time where you find yourself waiting with nothing urgent to do for at least 30 minutes? During this time you can meditate. I use this term loosely. I I define meditation here as any conscious effort towards any form of better understanding of yourself, or even yourself in relation to others. Try these:

-music -writing -reading poetry -knitting -breathing, focusing on your breath -wondering -thinking -letting your mind rest on particularly nostalgic or important memories -being honest with yourself about your current state of mind, needs, feelings.

And feel free to mix and match these.

I do NOT recommend:

-video games -Books that tell a story that doesn't reflect on your life, desires, feelings -Tv -Movies

Good times, with your friends.

a new song, you love.

a new romance.

a road trip.

Ive got a desire to chase these.

Being a musician might get me there.

It feels great to meet new people, do new things, go to new places, hear new songs. The rush that comes from possibilities, maybe that's one reason I'm here.

-go to any art or music event, especially things which are DIY or youth associated.

-make a sign hang it anywhere:
-you are not alone
-someone loves you
-find peace
-etc

-Be open, kind, welcoming, and joyful towards people, especially those you have just met.

-Make things for people: mix cds, art, clothing, homemade food, fix something they broke... etc. anything tangible. listen to what they need.

-most of what people desire is never stated clearly, or with words. Do your best to sense the nonverbal stuff, and just do your best. Be satisfied that you are trying.

-Take some time to make sure that who you are and what you believe is reflected as best as you can in your appearance.

-When an idea, a piece of art, sex, a conversation, or anything you take in with your senses fills you with emotion, express it in a way that gives it a kind of permanence. This could be music, painting, drawing, sculpting, knitting, associating a song with the event, sex, a change in how you treat someone, whatever. Just DO something with it that you will remember.

-Be honest with yourself... dont be afraid of questions. questions will lead you to truth.

-Share these tips with people you think will benefit from them.

Ten Things

1. Surviving Desire by Hal Heartley

2. Once upon a time in the west by Sergio Leone

3. Jailbird by Kurt Vonnegut

4. The Perks of Being a Wallflower

5. Free Culture by Lawerence Lessig

6. F#A#oo by Godspeed You! Black Emperor

7. Chrono Trigger, by Squaresoft

8. The Decemberists

9. yesbutwhatdoesitmean.blogspot.com

10. An earnest and committed desire to understand me, you, those you love, art, everyone, everything.

PSST something is coming, soon

Wow. A whole week without posts. Partially, my keyboard was dead. beer poured on it. not even my beer. partially, time is slipping away...

I like Devendra Banhart and following my dreams