Ohhhhh

You gotta

You just gotta

Learn...to...love...the...struggle!

When life is a struggle, LOVE THAT STRUGGLE!

most of the time I hate everyone.

But its a bad kind of hate. umm. How to put it. Most of the time, really, I find myself irritated by people even when they arent to blame. I can be irritated merely by existing around someone, and if they need to be around me for some reason, I cant blame them. Yet I find myself irritated. Ah well. I yam what I yam. I like people too sometimes!

Hey guys! Ive been doing a lot of recording lately. Ill hopefully have 2 EPs out by the end of summer!

Safety and sanity and care and love.
Danger and confusion and alienation and fear.

Trust and anger and beauty and loneliness.
Words and words and words.

Words about words with or without music.

"I believe that you are sincere and good at heart. If you do not attain happiness, always remember that you are on the right road, and try not to leave it. Above all, avoid falsehood, every kind of falsehood, especially falseness to yourself. Watch over your own deceitfulness and look into it every hour, every minute. Avoid being scornful, both to others and yourself. What seems to you bad within you will grown purer from the very fact that of your observing it in yourself. Avoid fear, too, though fear is only the result of falsehood. Never be frightened at your own faint-heartedness in attaining love. Don't be too frightened even at your evil actions. I am sorry I can say nothing more consoling to you, for love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams. Love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly performed and in the sight of all. Men will even give their lives if only the ordeal does not last long but is soon over, with all looking on and applauding as though on a stage. But active love is labour and fortitude, and for some people too, perhaps, a complete science."


The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoevsky. Page 62.

One reason I have a hard time being around people sometimes is that I dont like not understanding. I dont really feel like I understand myself right now, I dont feel like I am the me I should be. When I am around people, I dont feel right unless I feel like I understand the situation. My paranoia is killing me.

busy day today! confirming the place I want, and Band stufff.

stressful few days ahead! ahh! work +planning my life! AQHH! + shows and writing and music and friends ahahahahahha!

so I just found this really strange 8.5 minute long ambient track I made using a keyboard... kinda cool!

Self destruct

CAUSE ITS FUN

Self Aware

CAUSE I AM

Self-Absorbed

CAUSE WHO ELSE


We do it cause its something to do. Really, though. That phrase, cause its something to do. We are hunting meaning. We want to feel things that, upon feeling them, make us feel like it was a meaningful thing. Some of us are aware of it as we go, some arent. Some are sometimes, some are convinced that its not even true. The way I tell people things, like my words are pushing them, makes them instinctively want to think up something to fight it. Obsessively devils advocating.

The worst part about writing about things here is the bias inherent: I decided to write about it. I decided not to keep it to myself, I decided to share it. That statement there colours and contorts and controls and affects the way anything here is read. and I cant really escape that in my current state.

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! Please don't think I'm arrogant for writing. I really don't know what I mean here. What if the readers think the writer knows more about things than the reader? Just cause I wrote it down instead of keeping it to myself? I want to let you know that I know that you already know. I'm trying not to write as though I was showing you guys something you haven't already thought about. I am not doing that! HONEST!

As for why I'm writing... I think better by writing it down.

I like songs that trigger memories very much.

in my head I have this idea of the perfect Sanctum

freedom from distraction

we'll see how it goes.

Ive got a big big dream to live up to. Im excited to give it a really good try.

Just focusing on beauty I hear and see, and trying to do something creatively with it. Paint and words and music, and love, and holding, and reading, and meaning. nothing else. no stupid jokes, no video games or distractions. and in a selfish way, it would mean treating my friends in a way that would make me seem distant. I just cant follow this beautiful path set before me if I spent 60% of my emotions and headspace keeping up with this social group.

*Im drunk right now*

*im also listening to The Glow Pt 2 by The Microphones"

I havent been drunk in months

I feel connected to something, like its easier to express that connection right now. Ive got this friend who writes cool guitar stuff. And today I took something I wrote in my blog a while back and just started singing while he was playing. and it worked, and it was so amazing and effortless. Life is good. I love you! I shouldnt feel ashamed to say it. I love you I love you I love you. I feel great! I feel great and I love you! and everything is just fine and I love you. you dont need to be scared. im over here, at a different place. and in my place, im saying I love you. I love you and I like where I am. I love you and im happy with how I am right now. I love you and I am safe and comfortable. Im not saying "Iloveyoudoyoulovemeandbythewaydoyouwannatotallybecommittedforever"

im just saying that I feel happy, and I see a kind of sacredness in the time we had. the time we had is a beautiful and good thing, and I dont need to be ashamed to say I think about it and it matters to me and I love that it happened. and my life is better for it and everything in the universe is beautiful, and when I was with you I saw a little more of the beauty. Being with you connected me to the beauty I see in you and everything. So, when I say "I love you" im really saying "Thank you!!!" with a big goofy smile. Im smiling because THANK YOU, not because HEYWHATABOUTTHEFUTUREYOUBETTERSTRESSABOUTTHINSNOW.


Just enjoy how it feels as you feel it, and be real about how it felt. It probably looks like Im asking for more, but right here right now im saying that in this moment I dont need anything more than that. Honest. Wheeee

Oh man

You know I

I just

I really just

I JUST LIKE HOW YOUR HEAD FITS
ON MY SHOULDER


Oh golly

I mean I

I just

I really Just

I JUST LIKE HOW MY ARM FITS IN YOUR LAP
WHEN YOUR HEAD FITS ON MY SHOULDER

well what I mean is

im not trying to

I just

well you know

ahh fuck it

I JUST LIKE HOW MY HEAD FITS
ON YOUR HEAD WHEN MY ARM IS
IN YOUR LAP AND MY HEAD IS
ON YOUR SHOULDER

Thats all!

Oh baby oh darlin
I cant stay with you here

I cant stand being with you
I cant stand all this fear


Afraid of your words Afraid of my words
Afraid they'll be misconstrued

Afraid of knee jerk reactions
It all depends on your mood


I said I loved you, And I would love you
for the rest of my life

but I think Im starting to see
that thats a very long time


But I still love you, my heart still needs you
and it will never let you go

its just my mind and my body
they're getting dragged down below


Under my words, Under your words
Under everything at once

my body knows that it needs you
but I dont like what it wants


It wants a new thing, it wants a fun thing
It wants a place to explore

It wants to kiss a pair of lips
That it has never kissed before


Now im a bastard, im an an asshole
but not because of what I want

Its cause I have to be honest
Its cause I have to be blunt


Im just a young boy, just a wanderer
without a sense of respect

Im going to walk away tomorrow
And thats a sensible bet

the movies choose the people with the expressive faces
but we all have things to express
not just the pretty ones.

Life updates!

Im reading The Brothers Karamazov. VERY GOOD BOOK!

Im thinking about a prog rock song im writing called speed chess. When I finally get it going for the band, it will be very good. Its really ambitious and complicated, but rewarding!

I was a man with convictions
I wanted to show that I felt something
But I wouldn't join the monastery.

Committing a life to a cause is a very big deal.


My moments of peace are not well advertised,
but they are there.
They are not delusion. They are personal and impossible.
Thank you!

NO! Im not letting it go like that. I have more to say! Why cant we just listen to our bodies? When music makes me dance, I dont question the feeling. I dont worry about whether or not my body really wants to move. It does! I do! I am! I feel! I love! I am free! As long as this song doesnt stop, I am free.

slipping into the moment

Someone ive never met did something, and it changed how I saw something else.

my words arent coming easily. I feel wrong. What I do doesnt feel right. Im looking around for the right way to do it, the right way to be. Following my bliss doesnt seem to work, if it involves another person. Im feeling what im feeling, and I cant expect anything else of myself. These feelings are real. I want to cry, an end-of-the-rope "hey I did my best how come its not like I thought it would be" cry. Im grateful for the small things. I get to commune with my music. I get to find beauty and bliss in that. I have a job, a place where my body is bound beyond my control. I am grateful for that because when my body is out of my control, my mind seems to find clarity. Ive spent my whole life aspiring toward something more, being dependant on that "more" for happiness. Change happens, and I can affect the change. Some changes result in me feeling better, some worse. The hardest thing I can think of right now is accepting the change while in some way freeing myself from it. A me who doesn't feel dependant on predicting or causing things, while being affected by things I do. Fucking impossible

I just want

I want to write you a picture
and tell you a kiss on the neck

I want to feel good, mostly.
Feeling good feels good.

I want to get what I want without needing to get what I want.
Im much farther ahead than I was, and Im excited to see what comes next.

But im not satisfied, not yet.
I guess im just going to have to get used to it.

I should go to sleep.

He was walking. His headphones told him stories. His eyes told him another story as he walked. The morning was pale and dark. Willow trees shook slowly, and the wind was playful, like a child playing on a stage hours before a show. The music in his ears transformed what he saw, gave new meaning to things.

I love you very much. I love you, trees, I love you, wind, I love you, houses and street. You are showing me so much beauty and meaning right now. You are beautiful and wise. There is truth in you. The truth comes from a deep, peaceful place; you are not beautiful because I want you to be, you have always been beautiful, and I am blessed for being able to notice today how amazing you are. Thank you.

He was still walking. He felt as though he was still, although he still walked. He remembered feeling afraid before, afraid of how unattainable the beauty was. But he saw it differently now. If the beauty before him as he looked around while walking was a tree, he wanted to sit at its trunk.

I feel something. I feel like this is important. I feel sad because I don't think I can explain this properly. Its like glimpsing this sublime understanding the beauty gives transcends all the meaningless bullshit. I wish I could live in this feeling, I wish I didn't have to go back to the world of people. The world of people is dark and strange. So much wasted words, So many wasted thoughts, wasted feelings. I feel so sad. Why am I living in the inane place, pretending my life is made up of all those useless things? All my jokes really tragic, or schadenfreude. I don't need to hide from this beauty. I don't need video games. The hardest thing I should let go of is social. I don't need to worry if everyone is wrong about me. I cant spend all my time making sure people understand who I am. If someone thinks I am an asshole, I cant spend all my time trying to get them to change. I have to believe that I am not, and follow that beauty I saw while walking. No more running, no more fighting. If I am supposed to be a kind and gentle person, let the beauty I see in the world compel me to do so. I'm going to listen harder to myself, my primal self.

Peace is attainable

something for you

also, im doing well. concert this saturday! add the event "Party all the Time" on facebook for details.

Puking since 11am, sleeping till 8pm.

im in a sickly haze!

AWW!

it makes me want to use my healthy time better.