man I swear some days I wake up and its like im in a different life. everything around feels wrong, and I have no idea why. nothing to blame, nothing in particular to point a finger at. just.. uneasy. i think sometimes being a romantic kind of wears me down. I go out at night expecting to have random encounters with people ive never met that change my life. I mean, that HAS happened, and probably more often than I think, but I want more. arrgh.

Alright so im a webcomics nerd.

HOURLY COMICS

Different web cartoonists draw a 2 or 3-panel comic (really a sketch) every hour for a day, from when they wake up to when they sleep. I LOVE IT! its pretty cool.

ill link some here:

http://www.ryanpequin.com/otherprojects/hourly09jan03.htm

http://www.hourlycomic.com/

etc. go looking around.

ALSO WEBCOMICS ARE COOL!!

tomorrow I go to orientation at my university.

i love this friggin album that we made. its like a testament to the years ive spent in parksville.

and...

hiii!

man screw beauty.

so today, im playing at the biggest music festival ive ever played at (probably)

and my the CD me and my friends are on, the one ive been in the studio for months for, is being released at said festival (definately).

WOW!

This is why I love The Moldy Peaches


Mardi Gras came and went,
all my money has been spent.
How 'm I gonna pay the rent
sitting on -my ass/your face?

Who mistook the steak for chicken
?
Who'm I gonna stick my dick in?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

my former life i -had a sister/was a high roller,
I abused her and I dissed her/ walked my kids in a diamond stroller,
she got swept up in a twister/ found my calling as a part time bowler
first I laughed and then i missed her/ traded my wife in for a new green roller.
Who mistook these baths for showers?
Who fucked up that leaning tower?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

Oh, get on a greyhound and ride away,
different dreams from yesterday/ live on birthday cake each day
tell your -grandma you're ok/ grandparents that they're gay,
kiss her cheek/steal their money- and run away.
Me and my friends are so smart:
we invented this new kind of -darts/art
hit a bull's eye cut up heart/ post modernist throwing darts
smoking crack and -cutting back/crack.
Who mistook this crap for genius?/ who is dancing on the ceiling?
Who is gonna stroke my penis?/who is gonna hurt my feelings
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch,
sitting on the couch.

Oh -even your mother is a crook/people are shiny like a brand new book
but if -I get/you take- a closer look
there's shit on every -road you took/hand you shook
You don't believe me?
Read the book/ Look at your hand.
Who made all these things for killing?
Whose -empty heart/pussy hole- needs filling?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

Who mistook the steak for chicken?
Who'm I gonna stick my dick in?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch x 4.

well uh

A well uh

sleeping when you need to sleep feels nice! dreaming is nice too!
meeting new people is nice! connecting to new music feels nice!
existing in moments so perfect you KNOW you will remember them for along time...
that CAN be nice, but if im caught up in how ill remember it, it might spoil it...

I have 3 goals

1 Give all I can to bands/music
2 Give all I can to school
3 Spend money wisely

so wish me luck!

lets take turns admitting we dont really know what we are doing

you first

delightfully unsure, and yet still trying to be aware of how people are affected,

probably addicted to that sense of not knowing how it will turn out

really just in love with the ability to experience whatever you desire

wanting the freedom, wanting fate and serendipity to take hold and give me gifts

gifts of random late night beat poetry set to the drums and claps of DUMDUM DUM

gifts of insight, gifts of insight, gifts of surprise, and of wonder

gifts of being surprised to learn something new and amazing from a bad situation

gifts of being shown you were wrong, gifts of being shown new ways to excite you

gifts of things you CANT EXPECT, things your mind and heart cant prepare you for

things that I couldn't possibly predict or write about,

things I can barely describe, even in retrospect

THANK YOU LIFE

THANK YOU for showing me new and wonderful things.

And thank you in advance for showing me new beautiful and amazing things

things I would never have known I desired- until it came along.

alright, a life update. Played an open mic with the PCE yesterday, playing another one tomorrow. Im very satisfied with the tracks weve recorded, and Im looking forward to an EP, then an LP from the PCE and the DC. my life is well planned for school and such, and I like having my own place. and... yeah. lots of nice things!

I have no idea. I dont know you, and thats just the way it is, its nobody's fault. Im not supposed to know you, maybe. Im feeling like the whole thing is just "i dont know" but im trying to describe it. It doesnt hurt, hurt isnt the right word. It just makes me feel things, things that make me slow down and notice my heartbeat and things that make me feel scared and unsure. I feel like a child in the water trying to swim for the first time. I have a goal, a change to make. I dont know if im doing it, but I want to look around, and at you and whatever, and just let it be. I wasnt born passive or calm, I think, but after a while I finally tried really hard at stepping back, and letting things happen however you or anyone else wanted them to happen. I was so used to trying to exercise control over situations, so used to monitoring how people react when I do things, and acting in order to make things happen, all that shit. But for once I tried, really REALLY tried, to step back and let things turn out however they would have. Not so that I could get what I want without controlling people, not that at all; just stepping back and really really being ok with anything that comes, even if its not what I thought I wanted, or if it hurts. So here I am, feeling... feeling. Just affected, really affected.

calm down jesse

ahhhhhh

hands shaking right now

Elegance and Eloquence,
teach me to take these pure and simple ideas
and make them beautiful.

I love you. I love you! I love! Love!

Living is great. Loving is great! Trying feels good. RECORDING IS DONE! Now just mmixing and mastering, then WE HAVE A CD! then back to the studio for full lps.

OH WOW IM A MUSICIAN GUYS! A REAL ONE! JUST LIKE I WANTED TO BE A WHILE BACK!
AAHHAAH

Recorded today, have some videos to upload and things.


If its dark and you cant feel around at all, and you are how you feel and what you hear is what matters to you, where are the sounds coming from?

Im going to someday write a guide on how not stop whatever was in your pockets from falling out when you go to pick up an article of clothing off the floor in the dark.

I am taking Digital Media Studies and Political Science in September. Ideally I would love to somehow let my school work overlap with my band stuff! This month im in limbo, im just trying not to spend too much money before my loans and grants come in september.

Had a good day today! Im sort of feeling out the rhythm of nanaimo life. I think... I think I need internet in my house, or a phone. One or the other. Wrote another song :)

I want to learn to be

and to reach out




I want to be a clean place for beauty to visit.

I want to declutter my soul so there is room to worship moments, moments like this one and that one, and this one had music and that one had a kiss and maybe one was just lying on the grass looking up.


I like the purity and unity of sublime understanding your beauty gives me!
I want to let my actions reflect it. I want to do how I feel. I want the me I feel like when I am totally compelled in a beautiful and pure direction to be the me you see!

And I spent 80$ in the bar

and was it worth it? and... I dont think 8-$ goes very far these days. I can't remember if the bar ever existed- my memory of it is as nostalgic and wistful as a dream.

Bars are strange places. A place designated for breathing out.

IN a dream, you soak it all in. Enjoy it. Your desires, hopes, ideas, imagined futures etc. You breathe it all in. You are full.

Then I (you?) wake up. The world tells you what can and can't happen. So you hold your breath, you take it, you endure. your dreams aren't real, and the oxygen is slowly fading out of the air in your lungs.

Then finally- finally! You go somewhere to breathe out. Loud music. Laughing people, a relaxed social code where obnoxiousness, loud, sweeping gestures and unrepentant expression of selfish yet sincere emotion bursts forth.

A crowd of people all breathe out on to each other. Sloppy and happily crashing into each other. Your shit becomes my shit, everything feels like its in a movie, meaning is found. And it took 80$ worth of alcohol. It really shouldn't require 80$. But thats how it goes.

Im sorry for dragging you down, baby.

Im sorry for mocking your sincere feelings.

Im sorry I cant keep a straight face when you tell me about how My Chemical Romance made you cry.

Im sorry im such a judgemental asshole.

I feel like my things are worth caring about and your things arent.

Ive got a list of reasons why yours arent and my are, you know.

its a very nice list!

But you tell me you feel it, and your eyes say it too.

So im sorry, baby, but I dont know what to do.

Why I like to meet new people

Hi, nice to meet you! I dont know anything about you! Oh look, you said something! What you said doesnt have the context of knowing everything about you, so what you said could be seen from whatever perspective I feel like using. So... ill just take everything you say make up the context. And my made up context? Well wouldnt you know it, it says you are perfect! it says you are everything I like and nothing I dont! It says you've been thinking about everything ive been thinking about lately, and you really wanna talk about it. It says that before you met me you really just wish someone who looks exactly like me had walked up to you and told you about their life, and asked you to be there for me... er... I mean him.

I want to reach up, and spend my time chasing beauty. Id like to spend my time following whatever beauty I see and feel, wherever It goes, wherever it takes me. Doing this would put me at odds with lots of people. I also want to be able to do this without hurting people, without making me seem condescending. I dont really think I am better than anyone, or that I could be. I want to be seen as someone who is "on to something" but not as someone who is hostile or hurtful. :D

What makes one kind of human expression "better" than another? One person says something, people listen. Someone else says something else, and no one notices. What affects this? If I understood what affected it, would I change to get more attenion? more money? more meaning? Do people do that? When people act natural, they get different results... what does that do to you? One person acting naturally gets a positive reaction, one person acting naturally gets a negative one. So, some people might get the idea that the more positive feedback you get from people, the more right you are. And if you get negative feedback after doing what feels natural, then you are wrong. There is something about the natural, honest you that shouldnt be. This all carries a big assumption, and that assumption is that you are measured by other people's judgement of you. Is that good for you? I guess its good for you if they like you, and if they dont like you, then you either be what they want, or learn to live without them.

Harmony. Anger.

I see it, I mean I see that you are trying. I know that. I dont show it, but I really do know that.
But it pisses me off. If I think the direction you are walking towards is one I dont like, then I get pissed off. Dont worry though, its not your fault, you are just dong what feels good- what feels natural for you. I guess that means Im left wondering why it feels natural for me to reject what feels natural for you. I always feel like Im on to something important- something beautiful- I just dont really know how to express it yet.

Alright. work tuesday, recording wednesday and thursday, and big show on friday. !!