i have bad luck with women, and I sabotage my own social life.
(negative moment)

Wierd day.
not bad, not good, just bad and good. Im learning how to express myself I guess. Iron and Wine, Kings of Leon, Band of Horses. Go well together, i think. I want to write more music, so I will. Seeya!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cBBO_XkIbk

man. oh man.

Im soo proud of the Detective Collective right now. its amazing! and I hear theres another gig planned. dont ever give up guys! im rooting for you over here!

I noticed that when I see peoples pictures on facebook, the ones that look the least like the person are the ones that they comment as "best". oddish at least. aw crap now im thinking about pokemon.

I cant belive how lucky I was at home. Bashu's family- they are soo supportive, and not stupid.
Biting my tounge is hard sometimes. In this house, we have a person who acts like a living TV stereotype. Sheltered, whiny, constantly complaining- not very much fun. Its not really bugging me personally, but Im learning how to tolerate people without ranting at them just because of my opinions.

Hello everyone

I have had a very interesting week. I showed up in montreal, and went to an orientation camp. there were lots of people. lots of snow. went crazy carpeting, which was really cool. I felt gaurded, but I made... not quite friendships but those things that are close. I felt a disconnect, but it was ok. Then we got to the house. the house is great. its the first time Amos (the town) has had a Katimavik group, AND the house is brand new. Its nice, but its only my second day, so I cant really say much yet. Have you ever heard of the Mountain Goats? Its a band. very nice stuff. They are overwhelmingly prolific. I think im going to study this band, in my crazy way. i will listen and take my time, and learn to play the songs, until I feel like I understand them. We walk to the corner store sometimes, its nice. Katimavik wont pay for junk food, so i buy that stuff for myself. Im really excited about finding out about my work project. Also, that one week I get to not work, and be House Manager. Instead of having a volunteer job, House Managers clean the house and make the food. they also buy the food and plan the meals for the week. One more thing. Me and er... hmm. I guess I shouldnt name the other Katimavik participants. Ill make up names for them, I think. Me and Michael are in charge of Healthy Living. that means exercise. We get money, and we can spend it on stuff like that. god, I hate writing about this stuff. i mean, its important for people who dont know whats going on, but what I really want to write about is what im feeling. "Song for Lonely Giants" by the Mountain Goats. thats what im feeling right now. I think ill go learn that song. also, Im in love.

so im here. and im here. and im here and IM HERE!
er...
er...
what to say. too much. not enough. i want a special person. so i feel comfortable. heres hoping.

french! im immeresed. IMERRSION. and yeah. people! and snow. SNOW! all snow! and people! arrgh! some make me mad. not all. Im sticking it out. things are good. things are scary. i want to fall in love.

10:33 pm.

Its late. im leaving. im home, everything is packed. i fly tomorrow morning. im leaving. Im listening to Bodies of Water. Im going to meet random people for the next few days. travelling. im leaving. James gave me an amazing present. Im going to miss you all. im excited. im glad. im scared. I dont speak french! im going to fall in love. in love with a concept.

http://www.ifilm.com/episode/19360/startsWith/2823292

this man inspires me.
also, Jon stewart kicks ass. but you know that, dont you?

Bum bum...
theres a limit to your love....

ahha, I like Fiest.

Im packing packing packing and cleaning. im glad I finished work a week before I left, i would NOT have been able to prepare properly otherwise. Incidentally, I know no french. AHH!

God i hate feeling like im in a moment I will regret.

Had 2 huge all night parties in 3 days. im tired. had lots of thoughts, didnt write em down.
Its crazy, turning my mind inside out for the internet.

Got my tickets for katimavik. its Finalized.
AHH!

what is left? I am left. and by the time that last bit matters, Ill have left. Bereft of notice, warning, or ceremony, ill be gone. im not suicidal. its katimavik. although. I have done this many times before. in different ways, with different people, I have lived compartmentalized lives.

We, collectively, are an anthill. The internet leads me to soo much cool stuff, webcomics, movies, anime, music. soo much creative expression that deeply affects me, that I feel a profound connection with. but theres too fucking much! I have realized that If i wanted I could spend my whole life just CONSUMING this stuff, delving deeper and deeper into the bowels of these art forms. and I would love every minute. and I would also cease to exist in real life.

When you look at the anthill, you see a few ants, but you cant see all of it at once. too many ants moving. but if you unfocus your eyes, you can see/feel all of them at once, in an almost spiritual way.

GAS STATION NOTE #4
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

"Music is expression". Every time you express an opinion, you get further away from something, and you get closer to something else. Where am I going with this?

Usually this only applies to people you know. What about musicians, writers? They express opinions that anyone and sometimes everyone ( and rarely noone) hears. This means their opinions "move" them(percieved) WAY faster "war is scary" is a totally normal thing to hear from an average person. When an Expresser says it, he (percieved) becomes a billion different things labelling him at once. You must be Left, then. You must not care about freedom, then. Why dont you protest, you hypocrite? You dont wanna help the world.
I dont know how, but I wanna distance myself from a world that evaluates and re-evaluates everything I do until I am defined as an ever-deeper flowchart that tells me who I am. No bars, no notes. can i express myself without further labelling myself? Can I say something meaningful without, percived or otehrwise, turning, moving, or changing into something? This is stupid. I hate opinions. I like certian things, others I dont. Im so scared of being unflexible. I am addicted to selfawareness and self actualization. Its paralyzing, when you think about it too much. Everything Everyone says or does changes them or furthers their opinions already in place.

GAS STATION NOTE #4
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

The big question for each new culture generation: what defines you? where do you stand! isnt it more like: what do you reject? what do you hate? hippies hated opression, boomers hated "evil", Punks hated establishment/authority. Can a group of people have a definable culture NOT centred around rejecting something? Or is that apathy?

Everything I say or do changes who I am... AHHH

GAS STATION NOTE #3
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

Innocence, In a sense
is a nicer ignorance
Ignore reason, to Believe
Being alive, I conceive
Is all I need. I concede;
Some may see my spiteful language cowardly
but dont you see?
Its unnecessary. all this shit, these
promises, deals, hopelessly using fear.
lets be clear.
I do not swear, for the sake of Jeering.
Its just, "when you die, everything
Every thing will be alright, If you do
what I say"
Meanwhile, I sit and smile
I know your mind, and its sterile.

I have a few songs I love. Love love love to the point that I cant do much else than enjoy them when they are playing. I was scared I wouldnt have this feeling forever, so I stopped listening to them for a couple of months. Im listening to them again now. DOES absense make the heart grow fonder? I dunno. I do feel really good right now, though.

GAS STATION NOTE #2
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

Roll, Roll, Roll.
I gotta keep Rolling
If, one day, things get better, Ill keep those promises.

Roll, Roll, Roll,
Rolling away

If I could summarize
all of it
Theres soo fucking much



Itch, always hinting
hinting at something
Itch, you make me Roll.

Rolling cause its not enough
Rolling as if I had a destination
DESTINY, what can it be
Destined to itch for my
Destination, which doesnt exist.

Its like im at that part of the movie where the hero realizes what he needs to do to fix everything, and theres dramatic music playing, maybe a montage of some kind. I feel like that.

GAS STATION NOTE #1
(these are notes I wrote on little pieces of paper when I was bored at work. I worked graveyards, so I was bored a lot. Lots of time to think.)

I want you
to be curious about me
I dont think I can do it

Conventionally

I love smoked salmon
Im online too much
I love taking pictures

SWM
got time for me
WTF
If you're free, I'm free.

If you like
you can obsess
every little detail,
Ill selfishly confess
I think out loud
that line was Meta

I think im witty
WTF
do you follow me

Heh Heh heh
nevermind...

Keyboard tells me what I can and cant say. I cant scream into a keyboard and get the same effect on the screen. I cant! Arrgh. words are only part of what I think, feel and say. Im fucking pissed off

Leaving for nine months... january 9th. Arrgh! I cant wait, but im scared. Im only working for spending money right now, rent for DEC is paid up. I keep thinking of song ideas. Saw Magical Mystery Tour last night, its TRIPPY!
anyway, see you, foxy lady.

Fun fact:
I get overstimulated REALLY easily.

Just saw a movie.

Dan in Real Life

Its really good. It made me want to scream. when I get overstimulated, I want to like flail around and scream and freak out. its totally wierd. Ill get in these moods that are totally out of place and wierd. In my head it makes sense; like I realize something awesome that I didnt know, some sort of self-actualizating thoughts, and I grin as hard as I can, and I stifle a scream. it sounds like "eeeee!" when I stifle a sceam, by the way. God, it happens soo much, its like just below the surface I want to explode! some day I will write a song designed to release this energy. Woe to the listeners.

Tomorrow, Today

All

Love

IF

WHEN!


its a thing that you can see but if you care then no.

Under the everywhere dont check the closet; its hiding... its hiding...

Besnard Lakes- Agent 13

BARR- Context ender

LIFE!

NO!

MAYBE!!

QUEBEC!

FRENCH!


WORK

WROKW
WOKR
WOKRWOKROWKORWKOK