You know you've got me walkin circles,
got me actin broody

Tryin to remind myself
theres more to life than beauty.

its makes me nervous that I love you
weak and silly like a child

it makes me nervous that I love you so
weak and silly like a child

what can be said, what is more plain
as simple as...

it makes me nervous that I worry so
weak and silly like a child!

Same batch.

"
Would I be ok
if you cast me away

what would it mean
when you cast me away

what would it mean, if
I would remain ok?

one minute I'm a quiet child
begging you to shake me

and yet sometimes I get so riled
Imploring you to break me!

maybe you dont care who
ends up loving you tonight

but I do, and its you
its a win-win for you, im sure

And where does that leave me
to be more free, it seems, than me
"

That last one and this one were written one night on a field with some hippies in victoria.

"
Is it hedonism?

is it a kind of peace

Is it carelessness

is it a safe place?


Am I in love with you
what am I in love with
when you go,

when I make you go.

Its a strange place there,
such a strange thing to say

I can will you to leave
but not to stay.

I said "dont fear your questions"
or its something I would say

but how can I make you leave
but no force can make you stay?

Isnt it strange, or is it strange.
this part of me is stuck that way.

Another one!

"
Empty eyes, you've got

empty eyes.

you've told me what you
think about people and things
but you've got

Empty eyes, you've got
empty eyes.

I am a child, that much is
clear, clear, clear

But you've got empty eyes
the kind that children fear.

Wrote this last night

"
yes, theres still that child in me.

yes, he still wants to walk to your room

through the snow

along the highway


yes, theres still that child in me,

but some days he feels a little tired.


he remembers reaching out and feeling it

he remembers you.


all of you, each of you,

every haphazard happenstance

every makeshift romance


and he still wants to walk to your room

to throw snowballs at your window

hoping your parents dont wake up

but hoping that you do
"

wrote this while practising Sleuth songs

"
I wanted a life

so I hitched on to yours

I wanted a life

so I hitched a ride on to yours

I wanted a new life

but I wanted yours more

so I hitched a ride on to yours

but you couldnt carry much more

it was too much to support, oh oh oh

how could you carry us both, oh oh

it was too much to support, oh oh oh.
"

Same weekend, more thoughts

"
Let me ask you a question
are you afraid to ask
a question, of me
like, "do you ever wonder
about the way things would be
if we had, another
set of circumstances
If we took our chances
chasing glances
asking strangers with promising faces
questions about alternate lifestyles and places, like,
"do you ever wonder..."

Another one from the same as the others! I think I wrote this one the day after.

"
Did I like you better
when we were walking over
to meet you
to see you

Cause when I'm walking
with your songs in tow
Its so soothing
I'm not intruding

And when we're standing
sometimes the doubts arise
How do I share it
when I can hardly bear it
on my own

This is just the way it goes
and so, and so, and so it goes.

My thoughts are clearer in this prose,
in this prose, in this prose

But can it compare to your effortless pose
in spite of, but heightened, by your choice of clothes

I like you both better
when I spend time with each of you.
"

more from that thing

"
Love is something I never deserve
Its better that way. Ill just build up the nerve
to earn it, be worth it, be perfect, but is it
the path I should walk on, or is it a problem
to think to deserve it is how it should be
or maybe there is something intrinsically
contingent on love being impossibly free

Its absurd
Beyond words
to feel this alive
theres something about it which cannot be contrived

yeah, something about it which I still cant describe.
"

same batch as before!

"
Its not that I hate you,
But I do, and I dont
and I do and I dont

Im compelled by things
and by things I mean you
and the things that compel you
which compel me too.

I'm compelled to ask you "why"
about a whole lot of things
like why is it messy when I try and sing
It seems easy for you, the way you take everything
inside me thats waiting and waiting to be born
did you reach down inside me? cause now I feel torn
"

blah blah blah Sleuth show blah blah

"
Baby, Ive got soul

I just know I Do
cause when I should be sleeping

Im writing songs about you.

Baby, I've got soul

Thats a guaranteed bet
cause I'm writing bout a Lady
That I havent met yet
"

Another one from the thing with the thing

"
If pain is
weakness
leaving the body

why dont I feel
stronger
now that youve left me.

If my best days are ahead
and today feels this good
Then there a future version of me
and hes smiling down at me.

Sometimes it feels so good
I can hardly bear to look
at you
cause drinking this feeling
Is more than I can do

yes, drinking this feeling
is simply too much to

Bear with me as I compose myself

Cause the thought of your face discerning me

You're charming, You've charmed me
I was starving myself
dishevelled, I struggled
Is it effortless for you?
If not, I am caught
cant hide it, its all you.
"

Yet another one from that concert

"
My love for you is like
a setlist on the floor

It guided me along
I do not need it anymore

I was using you, you know,
to help establish order

But the songs you used to feed me
confiscated at the border

Between your heart and my my mind,
you'll find,
a wall, made by me, of me,
for you.

This song for me is like
a puppet or a corpse

or something else uncanny
its familiar, but its worse

But when the moment's gone
You can have this dancing shadow

sewn together just for you
written lightly, sung loudly, flawed constantly,
a monument to you.
"

I (also) wrote this one at the Sleuth concert in vancouver.

"
what does it sound like?

It sounds like that time
when she was there
and everything worked
And I cant say why

no I cant say why
I cant say why
Cause the one time I tried
I felt barely alive

Im not supposed to know why
or it seem that way, cause
Its like I killed it, it died.

would you enjoy the dream

if you could tell what it means?

I mean, you felt like one,
a dream, I mean.

Its so much better
goddamn it so much
so much better
     Shapes, not letters
     Shapes, not letters
     shapes not letters
     I love you!
"

This one is also uncategorised from said notebook.

"
Trading notebooks

do you remember?

You hit me so hard

thats what I remember

Im so confused with

what should be, but

then, then I felt

Safter, more sure then
"

I cant remember when this one is from, but its in the same notebook as the ones from the vancouver show, so I figured I might as well put it up here. As a side note, I do not edit these at all. I just type out what I wrote down, which also wasnt edited. This blog is not me showing you (who are you, anyway?) stuff I consider perfectly formed or whatever, its just raw material. I tend to use these later on to make more fully formed things (songs, for example), but this is me sharing my first impression, sketches, and feelings with anyone and everyone.

"
I miss the girl who
Spoke to me on paper.

I miss writing back to her,
through the

notebook that  Im looking
through today.

I miss the comfort of the
the silence

Under the understanding
that was there

I miss the girl who
wrote love down on paper.
"

Another vancouver one! it was a stimulating trip.

"
You're right, I'm sorry

Im not there yet

But im trying, I'm trying

so dont you fret none

about me, you see, I'll find the answer

to that question I asked about finding the answer
"

Another one from vancouver:

"
BEAT THE NOTHING!
until something comes out...
BEG THE NOTHING!
for something to come out...
Ask for nothing
It wont let you
dont ask for anything
it will disappoint you
"

Ok, another one from my recent trip to vancouver:

"
SLEEP BECAUSE YOU ARE TIRED OF BEING AWAKE,
DREAM SO THAT THE MIND CAN PLAY,
WAKE BECAUSE OF CIRCLES CIRCLES,
CIRCLES, CIRCLES!
"

Wrote this and a bunch of other stuff at the Sleuth show tonight.

"
Baby, ive got soul
cause when I should be sleeping
I'm writing songs about you-

Baby, ive got soul
Thats a guaranteed bet
cause i'm writing about a lady
that I havent met yet
"

(Wrote this one yesterday and today)


"
things wont always be the way they've always been

thats what I told you (thats what it felt like then)

when the air is like a cool drink of water

and you said I wouldnt have to meet your father

cause your face is all

its all I see when

when I think of you

which I often do

if you only knew,

if you only knew!
"

Ok this is the first blog post that is actually a blog post in a while. Lets take some inventory, shall we? Who reads this blog? Basically noone, I think. Do I mind? Sometimes, sometimes not. What have I been doing lately? Well, in midmay I got on a bus and rode it for days until I get to my dad's house in North Carolina, and I spent some time with him. Then I spent sometime with some other family in Alabama, then I spent some time with some other family in South Carolina. Then I got an a bus and rode it for days until I got to my friend Shauna's house. Then I spent some time there, and now im in a hotel room, on the way back to canada, three months later. Those are the dry details. What did it feel like?

I dont even know!

Ahh. What I do know is that my mind has been dwelling on a few things while ive been gone. Its like I can see a version of myself I want to be clearly, and I am trying to reach out to it. but seeing it and feeling like I cant get there hurts. It hurts really bad! I cant use certain details out of respect for certain people, but ive been having a tough time lately. I feel sad but not hopeless. what does it mean to be sad but not hopeless? It means that life basically sucks and is difficult but I have no intention of giving up.

Its kind of like this
"
I would like to be relentless
but you would think it strange
that i can close my eyes like that
and dive into your face

I think about you often
what more is there to say, but
I think about you often
among the fleeting days


"


Fuck I dont know. I need to be surrounded by passionate people. 

I wrote this a while after meeting someone on a bus, about a week or so ago:

"
you feel it but you wont chase it
to scared to embrace it. 
you like your life, you are scared to replace it
with something you cant see clearly
yet you know you want it dearly

chase it, damnit, dont wait for it, it wont wait for you
you cant, you cant! you arent supposed to!
you want to see first where its leading you
you cant, you cant! you arent supposed to!

Enjoy the ride, dont wish it stayed 
did you really think you could have it both ways?
"

Well, I found a ridiculous attempt at writing fiction locked away on my computer somewhere. I THINK it was from when I was in high school. Here it is:

"

    In a town with a forgettable name, in a country with an irrelevant title, one man will learn to overcome an unforeseen obstacle. Erik was sitting alone, concentrating on something unknown. The room was dark; the only source of light came from a candle held in Erik's open hands. The candle didn't truly provide light; it merely turned the darkness into shadow.  Slowly, a distant noise was heard. The sound was a haunting Tap tap tap takka tap tap tap, as though someone was hitting a stick against the side of a wooden barn.
   Of course, Erik was not in a barn, so this sound seemed out of place. He concentrated on the sound, trying to figure out where it was relative to his position. It didn't really matter, though, because there was only one way into or out of this room. He was ready for what was to come, or at least as ready as possible. Erik stood up, drew his sword, and walked towards the door, completely focused on the sound outside. Unfortunately, Erik was unaware that what was outside didn't worry about trivial things like walls.

   Erik slumped, breathing heavily. He didn't expect an attack from anywhere other than the door, but thankfully his subconscious self (namely his reflexes) served him better than his conscious one. His sword was lodged in the creature's torso, but Erik lacked the strength to pull it out. Miraculously, there were no signs of injury on his body. Erik had managed to kill this unknown beast, but he knew that there was more to come.
   Erik closed his eyes, and focused his mind on his surroundings. Suddenly the hole in the wall that the beast came though grew wider, steadily opening until the whole wall ceased to exist. This of course led to the other three walls falling down, leaving him sitting cross-legged in a peculiar setting. Erik lost concentration as the warmth from the sun fell over his body. He opened his eyes, and found that he was on a hill. Standing up to look around, Erik's eyes were met with a beautiful panoramic landscape. All around him were hills identical to his, spread out over an endless landscape in an eerily symmetric fashion.
"This makes no sense!"
Silence.
"Where am I? What the hell is going on?"
Silence.
Calm down. Don't forget what you have been taught. Focus, React, and Overpower.

   Erik focused on the sound. Where is it coming from? He doesn't hear it, and none of his other senses detect anything. Its as if his mind had thought something, which he didn't ask for. All he knew was that he had to overcome whatever obstacle came his way, not because he felt any virtuous or moral obligation, but simply because the singularity of his surroundings suggested he didn't have any other choice. These pointless and cyclical thoughts would eventually drive Erik insane, but thankfully he sensed that danger was near; an opportunity to focus on something he could actually act on.

   He jumped straight upwards. As he came back down, he heard a hollow sound from the ground. Erik leaned down until his head was a few inches from the ground, and rapped on the ground with his fist. He heard the same hollow sound. Remembering his sword, he walked over to the corpse of the slain creature, examining it for the first time. It was humanoid in shape, but larger in the arms and legs. The overall effect given resembles a hairless gorilla wearing a leather suit. With some difficulty Erik dislodged his sword from the corpse, and walked back to the top of the hill.

    Erik raised his sword, and swung straight downwards. Just as the tip was about to hit the ground, Erik froze. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, in fact he couldn't even breathe. He wasn't in any pain, and aside from the fact that he was still aware of his surroundings, it seemed that time had stopped. Suddenly, Erik felt a familiar feeling. Someone was using his mind again.

    Good job. You didn't panic.  Now,  you are ready.  

    A flash of white light came across Erik's eyes, and he could move again. More importantly, he remembered. A flood of thoughts hit his mind, and Erik realized that everything that had happened recently was simply a test, set up by his teacher. Erik wasn't angry at his teacher for temporarily erasing his memory, or even for putting him in great danger. Now he was in tune with himself, able to improvise in even the most foreign situation. 

    Smiling to himself, Erik let his body be drawn back into reality, where he had much work to do.

"