Oh man

You know I

I just

I really just

I JUST LIKE HOW YOUR HEAD FITS
ON MY SHOULDER


Oh golly

I mean I

I just

I really Just

I JUST LIKE HOW MY ARM FITS IN YOUR LAP
WHEN YOUR HEAD FITS ON MY SHOULDER

well what I mean is

im not trying to

I just

well you know

ahh fuck it

I JUST LIKE HOW MY HEAD FITS
ON YOUR HEAD WHEN MY ARM IS
IN YOUR LAP AND MY HEAD IS
ON YOUR SHOULDER

Thats all!

Oh baby oh darlin
I cant stay with you here

I cant stand being with you
I cant stand all this fear


Afraid of your words Afraid of my words
Afraid they'll be misconstrued

Afraid of knee jerk reactions
It all depends on your mood


I said I loved you, And I would love you
for the rest of my life

but I think Im starting to see
that thats a very long time


But I still love you, my heart still needs you
and it will never let you go

its just my mind and my body
they're getting dragged down below


Under my words, Under your words
Under everything at once

my body knows that it needs you
but I dont like what it wants


It wants a new thing, it wants a fun thing
It wants a place to explore

It wants to kiss a pair of lips
That it has never kissed before


Now im a bastard, im an an asshole
but not because of what I want

Its cause I have to be honest
Its cause I have to be blunt


Im just a young boy, just a wanderer
without a sense of respect

Im going to walk away tomorrow
And thats a sensible bet

the movies choose the people with the expressive faces
but we all have things to express
not just the pretty ones.

Life updates!

Im reading The Brothers Karamazov. VERY GOOD BOOK!

Im thinking about a prog rock song im writing called speed chess. When I finally get it going for the band, it will be very good. Its really ambitious and complicated, but rewarding!

I was a man with convictions
I wanted to show that I felt something
But I wouldn't join the monastery.

Committing a life to a cause is a very big deal.


My moments of peace are not well advertised,
but they are there.
They are not delusion. They are personal and impossible.
Thank you!

NO! Im not letting it go like that. I have more to say! Why cant we just listen to our bodies? When music makes me dance, I dont question the feeling. I dont worry about whether or not my body really wants to move. It does! I do! I am! I feel! I love! I am free! As long as this song doesnt stop, I am free.

slipping into the moment

Someone ive never met did something, and it changed how I saw something else.

my words arent coming easily. I feel wrong. What I do doesnt feel right. Im looking around for the right way to do it, the right way to be. Following my bliss doesnt seem to work, if it involves another person. Im feeling what im feeling, and I cant expect anything else of myself. These feelings are real. I want to cry, an end-of-the-rope "hey I did my best how come its not like I thought it would be" cry. Im grateful for the small things. I get to commune with my music. I get to find beauty and bliss in that. I have a job, a place where my body is bound beyond my control. I am grateful for that because when my body is out of my control, my mind seems to find clarity. Ive spent my whole life aspiring toward something more, being dependant on that "more" for happiness. Change happens, and I can affect the change. Some changes result in me feeling better, some worse. The hardest thing I can think of right now is accepting the change while in some way freeing myself from it. A me who doesn't feel dependant on predicting or causing things, while being affected by things I do. Fucking impossible

I just want

I want to write you a picture
and tell you a kiss on the neck

I want to feel good, mostly.
Feeling good feels good.

I want to get what I want without needing to get what I want.
Im much farther ahead than I was, and Im excited to see what comes next.

But im not satisfied, not yet.
I guess im just going to have to get used to it.

I should go to sleep.

He was walking. His headphones told him stories. His eyes told him another story as he walked. The morning was pale and dark. Willow trees shook slowly, and the wind was playful, like a child playing on a stage hours before a show. The music in his ears transformed what he saw, gave new meaning to things.

I love you very much. I love you, trees, I love you, wind, I love you, houses and street. You are showing me so much beauty and meaning right now. You are beautiful and wise. There is truth in you. The truth comes from a deep, peaceful place; you are not beautiful because I want you to be, you have always been beautiful, and I am blessed for being able to notice today how amazing you are. Thank you.

He was still walking. He felt as though he was still, although he still walked. He remembered feeling afraid before, afraid of how unattainable the beauty was. But he saw it differently now. If the beauty before him as he looked around while walking was a tree, he wanted to sit at its trunk.

I feel something. I feel like this is important. I feel sad because I don't think I can explain this properly. Its like glimpsing this sublime understanding the beauty gives transcends all the meaningless bullshit. I wish I could live in this feeling, I wish I didn't have to go back to the world of people. The world of people is dark and strange. So much wasted words, So many wasted thoughts, wasted feelings. I feel so sad. Why am I living in the inane place, pretending my life is made up of all those useless things? All my jokes really tragic, or schadenfreude. I don't need to hide from this beauty. I don't need video games. The hardest thing I should let go of is social. I don't need to worry if everyone is wrong about me. I cant spend all my time making sure people understand who I am. If someone thinks I am an asshole, I cant spend all my time trying to get them to change. I have to believe that I am not, and follow that beauty I saw while walking. No more running, no more fighting. If I am supposed to be a kind and gentle person, let the beauty I see in the world compel me to do so. I'm going to listen harder to myself, my primal self.

Peace is attainable

something for you

also, im doing well. concert this saturday! add the event "Party all the Time" on facebook for details.

Puking since 11am, sleeping till 8pm.

im in a sickly haze!

AWW!

it makes me want to use my healthy time better.

Strange day. I finished writing a song, and I really like it. Four hours later I have serious doubt about being a musician at all, which is really weird for me.

I want to write a song about you

because I love you very much

and I know I love you this much

because the notes are speaking to me


my thoughts, formless, are trapped in

trapped into these words now

there is no going back

falling backwards, its a nice feeling.

people are hungry

I have food

how much food would 8$/hr Canadian buy me in Vietnam?

Re:

Ok, im testing out posting from my DSi. Slow and steady progress! Im
on a adventure right now, im in a classy lodge overlooking a forest
and a lake. Im sleeping in a yurt... but a yurt made up like a fancy
hotel room. Lots of thinking, lately.

My guitar lies on its back, staring at the ceiling. I ask it what it's
thinking about, but it wont tell me. All it says are old songs. "Why
don't you come up with something new?" I ask it. It just laughs.

On 9/23/08, Jesse Easter <shadowmysteri@gmail.com> wrote:
> L
>
> Love is in the world today.
> Smiles and happy and PEOPLE!
> You and you and him and her and I'm leaving, I feel like June in
> school. In grade 12. How do people keep up with all this? The love, I
> mean. I fell in love with so many people lately. And I've been away.
> Away from the people I loved before. And it wasnt so bad! I love them
> still and I loved new people too. I remember something I admired about
> Mark. Wherever he went,he would randomly run into people with whom he
> was friends with. When I was younger and I saw this, I thought so much
> of him. You've met so many people, and they love you! Now wherever you
> go you will likely encounter someone you love. What an amazing
> feeling. I wanted that. Now I'm closer than I was 8 months ago. I love
> you. You know who you are.
>

for the past few weeks ive been sleeping with an instrument- either my guitar or trumpet. Death is scary because I cant really comprehend it. Everyone wants to be a free spirit who affects the people he rebels from. Im not the musician I want to be yet, but I like trying. Im not the man I want to be yet either.

Never again
will I use
my eyes to
slip into
the lovely room
that's coloured blue
my eyes are blue
and green and grey, too.
They reach into you
reach until they do
what they were designed to do
compel and pierce you
control and contort you
but they don't belong to you
so I promise to use them
Never Again

Im not on the edge, im in the centre. everyone else is on my edge!


erm.

Ok so selflessness.

Selfless love is the most beautiful love. The love that makes you finally for one moment not see the world from your own confined self, but to really see it as someone else- caring about someone like that. Selfless love! I want selfless love, but the catch is ill never ever be able to love someone selflessly. So, I selfishly want to be loved selflessly by someone. Wow... that person would have to be really...

Selfless!

I love you! I am so sure I do. The love feeling pulls me around, pulls me around. Just please, please, please, tell me who you are!

my hands ache, but my fingers need to move. I lie awake haunted by all the chances at love ive been given. Ive had more women worth building a life around than Ill ever deserve, and ive thrown it all away. Ive seen true beauty, the memory of true beauty is the deepest sadness Ill ever know. I love you. I remember exactly how it felt to love you like I did then. Ill remember forever, so Ill love you forever. I guess im just tired of love. How it grabs you, compels you, rings you out, makes you doubt.
makes you think, makes you scream, makes you change how you used to be. Shapes you dreams, shapes your face, shapes what you sense when that person is in the room. All i ever think about is all the different loves I had. Each one beautiful and perfect, each sacred enough to occupy my mind forever. But there are many of them. I dont need your attention, yet my words go online. I am full of shit.

sometimes when you talk about
your life as you live it out
your eyes want to scream and shower
at lies that were given out

you should know
should i know

so then you try to turn around
and figure life is all about
the happiness you find
in a simple lullaby

and you will try to take it out
by stomping 'round the fertile ground
and killing little seeds of a grass that's yet to be

and you will find

me in the make of a melody
you in the heart of the harmony
timing the time that we start to sing
long with the time of you heart beat

and we will be rid of the weight
that's been placed upon or little backs
a weight that surely had to crack
and i will shout out to the sky
and i'll sing aloud my little songs
that help me move the day along

There is a better way than the way you have it
There are nicer worlds than force of habit
Eight months poor in someones house
Nothing but focusing on Nothing But
Led to a Captain Beefheart album
To scared to laser beam music
Like Captian Beefheart lasered
Eight months just rehearsing
I drag on to this feeling now
Living simply because it is
It is what it is, simply is
What else could it be?
What else could I be?

The afternoon Nap

I read some of a magazine.
and sipped orange soda.
The foodcourt was full of people, but my noise cancelling headphones made it feel like I was alone. Still tired, I had an hour before work. My head rested on the table. I let the music take me into a daydream. I experienced a feeling of contentment.
I can feel content sometimes. Usually with music, exhaustion, and memories.

its the same sunlight
same as the day that I met you

and when it rains at night
please dont forget its the same rain too.

and big weekends, especially in summer
they still happened. dont forget.

and when the fog rolls in
so that you cant see up ahead

why dont you smile?