I wanted to write to you, but
but I feel this desire to emphasize that I respect your right not to be written to.
I'll leave it here.
The fort is good. feels like summer camp. The people are nice, they haven't given me a hard time for being so... you know. Haven't done any work yet, that's tomorrow. Seems like I could spend the next month getting paid good money to listen to godspeed and reflect.
I hope some day I will be able to relate to you my relationship with godspeed. I grew up religious, in a way. I don't like to talk about it much. The truth is, I found some beauty there, and sometimes I miss that beauty. That connection to the infinite, that sense of belonging or warm security.
My mother was my creator. My creator is dead.
Its so painfully obvious; there was a human who kept me alive and loved me with everything she had.
I grew up and took her love for granted, I grew up and resented her for her weaknesses, I grew up and...
and I gave up on her. I gave up on her and she didn't give up on me and she struggled and I survived and
and
and
and she's dead. fuck metaphors, she is dead. dead dead dead dead, dead.
Most people who see this part of me want me to change. They want me to "get better". I will not survive this unless I do so carrying "she died, and you gave up on her" branded on my hands, on my feet, on my arms and legs. Plastered on billboards when I look around. A series of words that will never leave me. If I can find out a way to live with it, then fine, I'll live for a while longer.
She at least deserves this. I will not forget.
I want you, I think. I want you to know that I have on some level broken my relationship with relationships. I want to find someone who decides that me the way I am is something they want to spend time around. Simple, yes. easy, no.

I want to sit around and make fun of love with you until we find some love has snuck up on us.
I want to feel as much pain as I damn well need to, and I, well this is the hard part.
you can't just tolerate it. you have to understand why it is important, and respect its importance.
That can happen from whatever distance you need, as long as it's happening.
Every minute we talk I feel like I am stealing from god.
I don't know anybody who wants to hear something like that, but...
Thank you.