my greataunt died a short while ago, and Ive been getting spam messages from her email account since then.

strange days

You are pretty, and i'm going to leave you alone.

You are tortured, and i'm going to leave you alone.

You are beautiful, and i'm going to leave you alone.

You are love incarnate, and i'm going to leave you alone.

You gave me burning memories, and i'm going to leave you alone.

I'm going to leave you alone, i'm going to leave you alone.

academic feminism has taught me to ask these questions whenever I write:

Who could see this?

How would someone else interpret this?

Is what I'm saying reflective of what I mean to say to me?

Would what I'm saying be reflective of what I mean to someone else?

g

g

I would like to be the last man standing

long after the woman, dancing,

long after the drummer, joining in

I would like to sit here and grit my teeth

grit cause I feel it but Im not dancing, I'm not drumming. i'm enduring.

I'm enduring cause that's what feels right. I'm enduring cause it's
what I'm good at
is
if you look me in the eye and ask me if I will endure, if I'm patient,
if I'll still be there, standing...

I'll look you in the eye and with all that I have, my eyes will scream
YES until all you can do is look away.

feeling comes in different ways. she will dance, he will drum, and I
will be

the last man standing.

f

f

she stood beside the others, waiting for the girl onstage to sing.

then the girl on stage began to sing.

so the girl (woman) in the crowd was hit as if by a brick.

the brick sat her down
in the middle of the standing crowd.

the brick grabbed her arm
then that idea-shaped brick opened her backpack and pulled out a
notebook.

so she sat there and wrote. she tried to draw the brick, maybe just
the outline, maybe trying to form the shape using words instead of
lines maybe.

the end

A man is sitting on a dock, at night. Theres a mountain in front of him. Hes on a cellphone, talking with another man he doesnt know very well. He is infatuated with this other person. He is infatuated both because of what he does know, and what he doesnt know about the person. Here is their conversation. The man on the dock speaks first.

"You know, ive got no truth for you."

"Thats true. Thank you for that truth."

"You know, I may see the beauty, but it hurts when I see it. Im not there. Im somewhere else, looking over at it. I wish I was there, but I dont think I can get there. Anything I do that you might find beautiful is just me recounting the hazy details of something much greater. And I bet there are other people out there who are a lot better at it than me."

"Whats wrong with that"

"...shit I dont even know. I just feel unsettled"

"So write a song about it!"

"Its not that easy! I dont know scales and my fingers dont work right and my voice hurts and as soon as I start to give this feeling a form, I lose the feeling."

"Sounds frustrating."

"yeah."

"I love you"

"I love you too"

Ah well uh

Ah well uh

I think I found my dig-nah-tee

Underneath a big oak tree

Did you leave it there when you stole it from me?

did you leave it there when you stole it from me?

Ah well uh

Ah well uh

I think I found my love for me

Underneath that great big sea

Did you hide it there while you were hurting me?

did you hide it there while you were hurting me?

Ah well uh

Ah well uh

I think I found a path to walk

and im still pretty scared, and we still dont talk

but at least ive got my dig-nah-tee

and at least ive got my love for me

but I know deep down im looonely

and I know deep down im looonely

please wont you take it back from me?

fuck off, face

just cause you look like that doesnt mean thats what you are!

im not falling for that this time!

Im not falling for your pretty little promise of a pretty little story with a pretty little bittersweet but oh-so-intriguing ending!


Fuck off, face!

just cause you look like that that doesnt mean what I am!

the mirror isnt me! the nose, the mouth, the chin isnt me! its not me! its not me!

there is no way that im going to fall for thinking that what my face looks like is what my heart looks like!


fuck off, face!

-this is an excerpt from an essay im writing. It sums up some thoughts ive had on globalization. not sure if this is exactly what I believe, but it made sense when I wrote it.



The future of international trade (and as a result, globalization itself) is not set in stone, however. The WTO could become more or less regulated, and it could encourage increased standard of living for the developing countries of the world more or less. It is my personal opinion that the best path for the WTO in order to encourage global prosperity for the future is to be flexible. As developing countries around the world become more industrialized they will probably become healthier, more productive, and better educated. As this happens, more and more people will want a lifestyle that matches the increased economic power their country holds. Global prices will change, and due to their lower cost of living and lower wages, workers in developing countries will have a competitive advantage. Developed countries cannot expect to be unaffected by this, and if their economies cannot adapt by responding with lower costs of living and lower wages, then they will suffer for it. It is my hope that the WTO realizes that their role is not to manipulate the global economy so that developed countries can continue to make their people earn more for their work than they should and pay more for their lifestyle than they should, but rather to facilitate and regulate the transition that must happen- a transition into a world where prices and wages naturally adapt to a global economy.

ive lost so damn much.

why do you get so attracted to what I say?
so what if it feels real.
you say you like penetrating,
but why dont you go penetrate someone else?
you like someone else being real AT you. you like reacting to that. THAT feels nice.
but when you are alone, do you do something with it?
do you take it and use it and bring it somewhere new?
no?
Coward!

once upon a time there was a man who was a boy but is not a man.

once upon a time the man had a face!

the face had eyes, and the eyes made him see you.

the face had eyebrows, and the eyebrows tingled his feeling-brain when they moved in response to his eyes.

The face had little strings that got pulled when he felt things.

Happy/Sad pulled some strings connected to muscles in his face, and his face showed whatever the feeling-brain was feeling-thinking.

Most of the time, his face looked like he was wondering, and a little sad.

So when his eyes made him see you, you probably thought he was wondering, and a little sad.

What was he wondering about?

Memories like what if this time it happened like this and what if this time it happened like another time and what if this part was related to this part and what if that part was actually that part and what do you see when you see me?

I guess he was experiencing everything at once, but thats not really very illuminating.
And was he sad when he looked "a little sad?"

I dont fucking know. I cant tell what wondering feels like. It doesnt feel happy, and it doesnt feel sad. It feels... like being struck by lightning, with no pain. it fills him with energy, it makes him want to scream. not a happy/sad/angry scream, just a really really loud scream.

enough of that.

I

I
you know what?
fuck it, I know this song won't change anything
but I'm here and you are here so let's just do it
you know why sincerety feels good.
I wanna remember what we talked about.
I'm just figuring it out on my own
and I swear that moment helped
that moment we had.

ok
look at it this way
you and I will always, always
feel like there is something out there we need that we dont have
that yearning lonely feeling
that feeling is a part of us
and its not actually attached to any one thing
so we cant satiate it
but its a good hole
cause it helps us understand what matters
its just- that yearning lonely feeling wont actually go away
ever
you just learn to deal with it
desire isnt supposed to be fulfilled
its supposed to pull you and push you till you die
and thats ok
if you can learn to be ok with that
then life is ok


for example
if you were to write a list of tangible things you wanted to acheive
like a degree or a job or something specific
once you get it, you wont be satisfied
you will desire something else
and you will be right where you were again
just with a new want
thats part of life
so dont beat yourself up
there is no key to ending desire
you just keep going
at whatever pace you like
faster, slower, whatever
no need to hate yourself

Many things bother me, but they dont bother me that much. I hate very few things intensely.

I dont really halfheartedly like many things, there arent many things that I offhandedly one-foot-in-the-water shrugly meh-like. But I love (really love) certain things intensely.

So you might see a lot of negativity coming from me, in terms of word tonnage. Just trust that I spend more time thinking about the few things I really love than the multitude of little things that I think are mildly annoying.

thanks to everyone who came to the show last night! I had a lot of fun.

Heres a thought.

What would Canada be like if every time someone broke the law, they were caught and prosecuted for doing so? Would Canada be a better place for it?

(Daniel Johnston Lyrics)


Sometimes I feel like I am a boxer
Seems like I'm always standing in the ring
And then I find someone thin in my locker
He left me a note that says I can't sing
I'll do anything but break dance for you, darlin'

I guess that [thou of the donegar] ???
I don't know what happened and I can't remember
But I was soon to discover
That my radio had been broken
I'll do anything but break dance for ya, darlin'

Don't you know that I love you, love you
Don't you know that I love you, love you
Hmm hmm hmm
Hmm hmm hmm
Hmm hmm hmm

All the folks on dope in search of hope
Everybody and the lonely orphan
And everyone around the world
Every boy and every girl
For all the good times
Always remember and never forget
In my secret heart
I'll do anything but break dance for ya, darlin'

Don't you know that I love you, love you
Don't you know that I love you, love you

Good news! Weird is cool now!

...as long as its: interesting, attractive, inoffensive, nice, confident, and nonconformist.

Say you care while looking like you dont care while acting like you do care while sounding like you dont care while feeling confused.

And look good, and act like you are on to something, and speak "sincerely" words which you wouldnt say alone.

Just please dont forget that you only matter as much as everyone else thinks you do, and you cant hide from that. nope! no hiding!

dont worry though, cause if that makes you upset, just turn that feeling into a song or a poem or something, and people will care about what you think in no time!

...just make sure that the song or poem is interesting. no one wants to hear you talk about your experiences unless you phrase them in a way that they can understand. The key is to make them think that you arent trying to be understood while actually desperately trying to be understood.

DO:
-make broad statements about ideas everyone thinks about. the big two are having love/not having love (including having/not having lust, friendship, understanding), and experiencing something "spiritual". That just means that when the kids hear it, they feel like you know their darkest, most private feelings. Its easy! just throw some chords together that sound emotional, and then talk about how something feels really (insert emotion here).
-write songs that take what the "unpopular" people do and copy them, as long as they are popular, and merely labeled "unpopular". Chances are, people will think you are being "innovative" as long as what you do has been done before by a few decades of people who also werent popular with parents and other "uncool" people at the time.

DO NOT:
-Actually try and write something "new". "new" is never cool at first. Let someone else discover a new kind of poem or song, then just take their idea and copy it. Its too dangerous, trying new things. Most of the time, people wont like it. And if you think what you are doing is "new" and people DO like it, chances are, its not really new. Sorry.
-Talk about these unwritten rules. everyone will either think you are crazy, or a jerk. plus, knowing the rules might exist wont help, it just makes everything more frustrating.



...

Now go play the game, kids!

d

d

making it work

if I'm going to make this dream work, I'm going to have to spend less
money.

a

a

if these words really don't matter

then why can't I stop saying them?

how do you write a song about wanting to be left alone?

how would it feel to play a song like that for a crowd?

you don't know me, I don't know you

but the bits and pieces we had did something to me,

and now I can't stop chasing that feeling.

being an artist is like having a disease that makes me constantly feel
like I'm experiencing something really new and important that I can't
express.

and I know this is stupid, I know this is wrong

but I remember one time I heard this other song

and I swore for a second he was talking to me

but that uncanny feeling comes from me

and the urge to share it comes from me too

and it's flawed and it's wrong but I'll share it with you.

I can't capture that moment cause it's not a thing

and although you may think a feeling can be

bottled and packaged and interpreted like

you were there, but you were never there, and neither am I anymore

but I try, and here we are.

I'm trying.

if these words don't really matter,

why can't I stop saying them?

Chemotherapy increases the odds of getting hiccups.

...

G

G

The mating call was loud and lonely.

Songs about yearning for love hit us the hardest when we are yearning
for love. The songs do not create the lonesome, piercing, beautiful
longing feeling. The time spent alone immedietly after finding out the
one you love doesn't love you back creates that feeling. And maybe
once you have experienced that very real feeling, it never really goes
away. Maybe it hides inside you. But that song, that fucking beautiful
song, that lonesome tragic song grabs you, gives you a shake, and
reminds you of that time you felt something real.

And maybe the next time I hear a mating call, I'll remember what an
amazing joy it is to be able to feel that lonesome.

I want to do things.

I cant think about you.

I cant get trapped in there.

I dont want my eyes to be distracted.

I dont want my hands to wander.

I want to walk the long and loney path.

I want to step and sing and feel without release.

Resolutions

Patience, Humility

Consider looks less

No, or less, caffiene.

Penetrate society.

You say you want it, that it really matters. that you really want it. That you yearn for it. That deep down underneath it all it is all that really matters to you, and if you could only find it, you would abandon everything for it.

Im sure it feels nice to SAY that, but what would you do to find it? Would you spend your time? would you walk five miles in the rain? Would you show a lover paitence, would you wake up every morning and commit yourself no matter how that praticular day's mood suits you or your lover?

I know you feel like you could wake up every morning and show your love every day, but what about the days when the infatuation fades? Underneath your fluttering breath, your attraction, is there something stronger beneath?