oh, to have a friend
to debate feminism with
at two eh em.
we wouldn`t call each other names
we`d treat each other like humans
humans who want to help each other
but aren`t convinced we know how yet.

I have an ear infection today. I dont know exactly if this is due to me being indoors all day, how i'm sleeping, what I eat, or what have you, but my ear hurts. Its not exactly enough to warrant painkillers or going to a doctor, its just this quiet thumping feeling that reminds me every now and then, "hey, this part of your body isn't doing so well". This led me to googling "tinnitus",  a condition where your ears are ringing. Sometimes this happens to me, ill be standing around and suddenly I get this faint ringing sound in my ear that gets  louder, making other sounds quieter by comparison. And then it's gone, and I'm fine again. Don't know where it came from, don't know what makes it go away. I haven't written any sort of music or words or anything creative for a while now. I've been trying to determine whether or not I'm depressed. Do depressed people always know they are depressed? What if this is just how life is now? Things aren't necessarily worse than they have been, I mean some things have gone bad, but about as many things are bad as have ever been. Lately things have just seemed... distant. Things which would have grabbed me and shook me seem to pass right through me. I can't explain whether this is a positive or negative feeling, its just... different. I can't even say for sure it's LESS feeling! Its just like that ringing in my ears. Once in a while, everything just sort of fades away. There are probably good things I can make of this, though. Maybe it gives perspective. Here are some questions I've been wondering about lately:

-How do you know when you should stop being friends with someone?
-What makes some activities fulfilling and other activities less so?
-Why is it so hard to do basic tasks sometimes, like clean the house or keep up with bills?
-Where does motivation come from?


Anyway, there it is. I guess I wrote something :)

im hungry as i've ever been
hungry as i'll ever be


I want to nurture somebody tonight
I want to worship somebody tonight
I want to help you for me tonight

wont you help me to
help myself to help you?

what use is there to be
of no use to anybody
it feels so good to inspire you
and when i'm holding you, holding you

I dont wonder, am I doing this wrong
I dont ask myself, can I write a good song
I just look at you and find a seed
and I shine a light and fulfill a need

P

P

Into
Out of
Wait, what?
Oh, fuck.

Ty

Ty
The meaning of life is to seek out things that feel meaningful

This meaning aches but I need it

I don't know how much more heartache
I can take
Will I break
Am I already broken

I don't know what healthy means
Its different now but somehow seems
The same kind of pain that goes unspoken

It hides inside until we're alone


Why do I reach out to you
Why don't you reach out to me

DI

DI

It felt like you never loved me
Cause you don't feel it now

I don't know what's happening
I don't know what happened
I don't know
But it hurts sometimes

I watch you sing for me
I'm pulled towards you
And it feels like a dead child
But it makes me keep writing

All I can see is murder
All I can hear is a man crying out
He wants to live, he wants a chance
His last wish squandered, he falls away

Can I show you that?
Can that place be shared?
Who would want to go there?
It's not appealing....

Who is this for?
What will it do?
Should I want to escape this feeling?

I don't know.
Whatever this is,
I don't know.
The monument's falling

U

U
I could create
Elaborate
Ways to show you
a piece of it

Or should I wait
Elaborate
on what I mean
Sometimes it seems like

Saying the first thing
That comes to mind
Is the only way
To speak it right

Y

Y

I go to class to take it apart
I go on stage to put it back together

I couldn't tell you
Which is better
They need each other
They need each other

Opening your mind
Makes pushing how things feel
That much deeper,
Stronger, further.

Ty

Ty
The meaning of life is to seek out things that feel meaningful

This meaning aches but I need it

I don't know how much more heartache
I can take
Will I break
Am I already broken

I don't know what healthy means
Its different now but somehow seems
The same kind of pain that goes unspoken

It hides inside until we're alone

Why do I reach out to you
Why don't you reach out to me

U

U
I don't want composure
And I dont want closure
I don't regret that I've known her
Im not pretending it's over

And I know that it's not
In a way, that is to say
Oh fuck I'm falling again
Oh fuck, I'm falling again.

Y

Y
I hope you know I still love
I hope you still love, too
But not for me, nor I for you
The pain that brings just will not do.

Glass water, I'm thinking
Glass oceans are sinking
Within this, with thin lips
This one's not for drinking

But where did we come from
Was it just you plus me
This equation won't add up
We shared mystery

How can I explain it
When words fall behind
Behind it, beneath it
Beyond space and time

That's why I'm trying
To tell you with sound

That we we're together
No, we were together
in one way it's over
But memories hold it... closer

U

U
I'm not here to make sense
I'm here to make you feel something

Song for x

Song for x
I was walking by the central baptist church the other day
When I remembered how it went
When we last spoke

So here's to you
Invading my mind
A friend, a lover
These concepts collide

Some people change, some stay the same
I'm a tornado raging in place

And that damn snow is a canvas
For everything ive ever loved

I've spent the years explaining
To myself that it can't be done

Now that im here I know I was wrong
And doesnt it feel nice to prove yourself wrong

I

I

Do you remember when
Looking into those eyes
Was more than you could bear?

Deliciously, unbearably so.
Don't you just wanna get back there sometimes
Dont you just love getting back there sometimes?

What did it to you
Was it what you saw
Or what you knew the other
Could see in you?

What it was like
I stopped looking
To catch your eye
I stopped seeking

What does it mean
I stared at the wall
My eyes filled it
My mind, reeling!

B

B
I'd like to give you the cream
Of my mind, and I'm trying
To choose my metaphors better
You know it's just like, just like
That time
That time
I swear from all of me,
I'll be kind
So kind

I'd like to walk beside
Each side of whatever you might be
Do I need to know what I'm looking at
To chase it, chase it, chase it
I'll be there
Would you mind
Either way,
Can't blame me for trying

I think I have an open wound
I don't remember where it came from

My wound and me, free
my wound wounds me freely

I don't remember where you came from
I can hardly remember how it felt
but I know it was something I once feared

I once loved to feel afraid of what you could be for me.
I think that feeling broke me a little bit all over.

I think I have an open wound
and I haven't been stable in a while

the drift cant be fought, can it?
the hope and the dread collide

There's nothing quite like it.
Broke, unstable, gingerly caressing a wound.

I'll laugh, I wont mind,
when I find you, when i've made you.

now that its broken
I suppose its time for building
now that its broken
I suppose its time for building

build till it breaks again
the cycle fulfilling
build till it breaks again
the cycle fulfilling

this time ill let go
this time but still care
this time ill start swimming
but not knowing where

what am I supposed to relax and accept
when breaking and building is all it is
what if it happens to everything except
that one part that keeps showing up

oh god I feel so inspired. I can do this. There is so much at once. I love you all.

You dont control the waves, you ride them.
When it takes me down, I'll breathe, and let it sink me.
And when it starts to rise, well, ill ride it high

and it will let me soar to wherever I want to go.

I

I
You said you saw a glimmer
No why ain't it shining

You make it look effortless
But not for lack of trying

I'm trying
To reach it
Is it you
That's not true
It's just me

Other people know about it
Sometimes it comes to pass
Can we read the same thing
And come up with different paths?

Sent from my iPod

Its like the closer I get to you
the further I get from me

Why, why does it have to be
why why why cant I be free
free and trapped in you and me
set that paradox free

is it so wrong to say
I would gladly dive inside of you
is there some kind of trick to this


I wonder, I wonder, I wonder, I wonder
time evades me,  I dont slumber


where did you come from?
when are you going?
how much of you
am I capable of knowing?

I suppose I could ask
the same of myself
its like the closer I get to me
the further away you seem

From a paper im writing

"

I recall a riddle heard in passing: if it were possible to do so, what would it mean to go to a doctor once a week and have a piece of your brain replaced with a synthetic functioning copy? If the procedure were done while you were conscious, and you repeated this process until no organic matter remained in your brain, when would you stop being you? The concept of the posthuman, an identity which transcends definition, a mind which transcends age, is a fundamental shift in our culture which technology is moving us towards at a rate we do not fully control. It is for this reason that we ought to at least be aware of its inevitability, so that the political will exists to make our reaction to these changes as reasoned as possible. "

another here and now one

"
how can I reach out
when nobody seems to
how can I reach out
when nobody seems to

Heres the truth
Im sentimental
Heres the truth
Ive loved you always
"
What do you want to take from me
I'd gladly walk until you found me

What sort of totem would this make me
when do the signs become the love, free

Have you ever wondered freely
about the times when love was hidden

Games and hiding
undeciding
but to feel it freely
what more is there, really?

Heres the truth
I've loved you always
Heres the truth
I need the pathways

that we're making
still frustrating
but perfect, imperfect
just not stuck waiting

Urgency, urgently
pulling, trading
feelings of reeling
fading, frustrating

The only thing
theres left to say
is loving this moment
is here to stay

just now, just today

"
sometimes when I accept you
my mind, it kind of takes
the long way round by saying
"you'll make your own mistakes"

what is the meaning of
what is the meaning of
what is the meaning of meaning, of meaning

sometimes when I am writing
the words fall fast and smooth
except when i'm not drinking
except, that not the truth

when we were singing of
times when the thinking love
brought meaning to the feeling, reeling

sometimes the times slip past me
sometimes where did they go
sometimes oh shit im dying
sometimes just let it go

what is the meaning of
what is the meaning of
what is the meaning of meaning, of meaning

when we were singing of
times when the thinking love
brought meaning to the feeling, reeling
"

Spur of the moment

"
God damn I cant stand
a pretty lady like you

you make me worry
about the things that I do


I'm fine when im not thinking about whatever you think about
about what you saw and how you felt when I...


You know I cant take
these goddamn moments

Counting heartbeats, racing flowcharts
through my head of what you said


and what does it mean and what can I say to that, just
what I see and how I feel when I...


God damn I will chase
every speck of you

Its not the way that I am
its just a thing that I do

God damn I will love
the fuck out of you

not just the way that I am
I am these things that I do

"

This was from just now.

"
When its hidden in reverb
Do you let it go?

Cause livin like this is bad for you
thats what I keep gettin told

Im wandering, wondering, glad to be
wandering, wondering, glad to be

Glad to be moving towards you
glad to be moving towards you

glad to be moving towards you
glad I'll never quite get there.

And if I hid it in reverb
would you let it sneak in?

Cause givin this love is hard to do
thats what makes me feel old

Cause when im wandering, pondering, tryin to
Give you the space I make use of to

To sit and think about times when I
would wonder no longer, I would just try

Statues of you, every day
Monuments to this moment, here to stay
"