t

t

I'm not saying that it's wrong
I'm not saying that it's right
you drew a line in the sand
and now I'm out of you're life

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt sometimes
but musicians only advocate their side
still I'm wondering if I saw you try
cause god knows we all saw me try

I've got some selfish pain that I can't hide
goodbye

when im fixing I wish I was dancing
and
when im dancing I wish I was listening
and
when im listening I wish I was wondering
and
when im wondering I wish I was fucking
and
when im fucking I wish for more time
but
and when its over I dont wish for anything.

The next morning, I wish I was smiling
and
when im smiling I wish I was sprinting
and
when im sprinting I wish I was fighting
and
when im fighting I wish I was winning the fight
and
when I win the fight I wish I would never fight again.

Then I walk home.

we all justify everything we do, you dont need to convince anyone but yourself that your justification tools are right for you, etc etc

HOWEVER thats true for other people too, hence the "your an asshole" notion

This song is called "Night on the Sun" by Modest Mouse. I think its interesting that the lyrics themselves get kind of morbid and disgusting, but when coupled with the music, its really soothing.



So, turn off the light 'cause it's light of the sun
You're hopelessly hopeful
I hope so, for you
Freeze your blood and then stab it into in two
Stab your blood into me and blend
I eat my own blood and get filled up get filled up;
I get filled up on me and end so turn off the light
'cause it's night on the sun you're hopelessly hopeless
I hope so, for you
Turn off the light 'cause it's night on the sun
You're hopelessly hopeless
I hope so, for you
Freeze your blood and then stab it into in two
Stab your blood into me and end
I eat my own blood and get filled up get filled up
I get filled up on me and end
Freeze your blood and then stab it into me
Freeze your blood and then stab it into me
Freeze your blood and then stab it in two into me and blend
Turn off the light 'cause it's night on the sun
You're hopelessly hopeless
I hope so, for you
Well there's one thing to know about this town
It's five hundred miles underground; and that's alright
Well there's one thing to know about this globe
It's bound and it's willing to explode and that's alright
Well there's one thing to know about this town
Not a person doesn't want me underground
There's one thing to know about this town
It's five hundred miles underground; and that's ok
There's one thing to know about this earth
We're put here just to make more dirt; and that's ok
night on the sun...

that feeling is like a drug.

you better ration it

hey, what are you hiding?

is it driving you

moving you

while you act like its not there?

does it bother you that im pointing at it?

that im pointing at it and looking at you and saying

"hey, what are you hiding?"

my heart is a deep, wide, slow river in the jungle. I had a dream once that I swam in it, and I could see all the way down. there was a ship underwater, and I explored. I love exploring!

hey beautiful, lets sit around and make fun of beauty

Some kinds of love
Marguerita told Tom
Between thought and expression lies a lifetime
Situations arise because of the weather
and no kinds of love
are better than others

Some kinds of love
Marguerita told Tom
like a dirty French novel
combines the absurd with the vulgar
and some kinds of love
the possibilites are endless
and for me to miss one
would seem to be groundless

I heard what you said
Marguerita heard Tom
And of course you're a bore
but in that you're not charmless
cause a bore is a straight line, now
that finds a wealth in division
and some kinds of love
are mistaken for vision

Put jelly on your shoulder
Let us do what you fear most
That from wich you recoil
but which still makes your eyes moist

Put jelly on your shoulder baby
lie down upon on the carpet
between thought and expression
let us now kiss the culprit

I don't know just what it's all about
Put on your red pajamas and find out


-Some Kinda Love, by the Velvet Underground

r

r

you know, I could live without you
but I don't want to

the woods, the woods, please don't enter the woods x2

your grandfather died cause he went to the woods

and if he found it, he left it in those godforsaken woods.

please stop thinking about what hides in the trees

at night I can see you, but you can't see me

I'll warn you one more time to stay out of the woods

cause if I find you there tonight you're gonna die!

my greataunt died a short while ago, and Ive been getting spam messages from her email account since then.

strange days

You are pretty, and i'm going to leave you alone.

You are tortured, and i'm going to leave you alone.

You are beautiful, and i'm going to leave you alone.

You are love incarnate, and i'm going to leave you alone.

You gave me burning memories, and i'm going to leave you alone.

I'm going to leave you alone, i'm going to leave you alone.

academic feminism has taught me to ask these questions whenever I write:

Who could see this?

How would someone else interpret this?

Is what I'm saying reflective of what I mean to say to me?

Would what I'm saying be reflective of what I mean to someone else?

g

g

I would like to be the last man standing

long after the woman, dancing,

long after the drummer, joining in

I would like to sit here and grit my teeth

grit cause I feel it but Im not dancing, I'm not drumming. i'm enduring.

I'm enduring cause that's what feels right. I'm enduring cause it's
what I'm good at
is
if you look me in the eye and ask me if I will endure, if I'm patient,
if I'll still be there, standing...

I'll look you in the eye and with all that I have, my eyes will scream
YES until all you can do is look away.

feeling comes in different ways. she will dance, he will drum, and I
will be

the last man standing.

f

f

she stood beside the others, waiting for the girl onstage to sing.

then the girl on stage began to sing.

so the girl (woman) in the crowd was hit as if by a brick.

the brick sat her down
in the middle of the standing crowd.

the brick grabbed her arm
then that idea-shaped brick opened her backpack and pulled out a
notebook.

so she sat there and wrote. she tried to draw the brick, maybe just
the outline, maybe trying to form the shape using words instead of
lines maybe.

the end

A man is sitting on a dock, at night. Theres a mountain in front of him. Hes on a cellphone, talking with another man he doesnt know very well. He is infatuated with this other person. He is infatuated both because of what he does know, and what he doesnt know about the person. Here is their conversation. The man on the dock speaks first.

"You know, ive got no truth for you."

"Thats true. Thank you for that truth."

"You know, I may see the beauty, but it hurts when I see it. Im not there. Im somewhere else, looking over at it. I wish I was there, but I dont think I can get there. Anything I do that you might find beautiful is just me recounting the hazy details of something much greater. And I bet there are other people out there who are a lot better at it than me."

"Whats wrong with that"

"...shit I dont even know. I just feel unsettled"

"So write a song about it!"

"Its not that easy! I dont know scales and my fingers dont work right and my voice hurts and as soon as I start to give this feeling a form, I lose the feeling."

"Sounds frustrating."

"yeah."

"I love you"

"I love you too"

Ah well uh

Ah well uh

I think I found my dig-nah-tee

Underneath a big oak tree

Did you leave it there when you stole it from me?

did you leave it there when you stole it from me?

Ah well uh

Ah well uh

I think I found my love for me

Underneath that great big sea

Did you hide it there while you were hurting me?

did you hide it there while you were hurting me?

Ah well uh

Ah well uh

I think I found a path to walk

and im still pretty scared, and we still dont talk

but at least ive got my dig-nah-tee

and at least ive got my love for me

but I know deep down im looonely

and I know deep down im looonely

please wont you take it back from me?

fuck off, face

just cause you look like that doesnt mean thats what you are!

im not falling for that this time!

Im not falling for your pretty little promise of a pretty little story with a pretty little bittersweet but oh-so-intriguing ending!


Fuck off, face!

just cause you look like that that doesnt mean what I am!

the mirror isnt me! the nose, the mouth, the chin isnt me! its not me! its not me!

there is no way that im going to fall for thinking that what my face looks like is what my heart looks like!


fuck off, face!

-this is an excerpt from an essay im writing. It sums up some thoughts ive had on globalization. not sure if this is exactly what I believe, but it made sense when I wrote it.



The future of international trade (and as a result, globalization itself) is not set in stone, however. The WTO could become more or less regulated, and it could encourage increased standard of living for the developing countries of the world more or less. It is my personal opinion that the best path for the WTO in order to encourage global prosperity for the future is to be flexible. As developing countries around the world become more industrialized they will probably become healthier, more productive, and better educated. As this happens, more and more people will want a lifestyle that matches the increased economic power their country holds. Global prices will change, and due to their lower cost of living and lower wages, workers in developing countries will have a competitive advantage. Developed countries cannot expect to be unaffected by this, and if their economies cannot adapt by responding with lower costs of living and lower wages, then they will suffer for it. It is my hope that the WTO realizes that their role is not to manipulate the global economy so that developed countries can continue to make their people earn more for their work than they should and pay more for their lifestyle than they should, but rather to facilitate and regulate the transition that must happen- a transition into a world where prices and wages naturally adapt to a global economy.

ive lost so damn much.

why do you get so attracted to what I say?
so what if it feels real.
you say you like penetrating,
but why dont you go penetrate someone else?
you like someone else being real AT you. you like reacting to that. THAT feels nice.
but when you are alone, do you do something with it?
do you take it and use it and bring it somewhere new?
no?
Coward!

once upon a time there was a man who was a boy but is not a man.

once upon a time the man had a face!

the face had eyes, and the eyes made him see you.

the face had eyebrows, and the eyebrows tingled his feeling-brain when they moved in response to his eyes.

The face had little strings that got pulled when he felt things.

Happy/Sad pulled some strings connected to muscles in his face, and his face showed whatever the feeling-brain was feeling-thinking.

Most of the time, his face looked like he was wondering, and a little sad.

So when his eyes made him see you, you probably thought he was wondering, and a little sad.

What was he wondering about?

Memories like what if this time it happened like this and what if this time it happened like another time and what if this part was related to this part and what if that part was actually that part and what do you see when you see me?

I guess he was experiencing everything at once, but thats not really very illuminating.
And was he sad when he looked "a little sad?"

I dont fucking know. I cant tell what wondering feels like. It doesnt feel happy, and it doesnt feel sad. It feels... like being struck by lightning, with no pain. it fills him with energy, it makes him want to scream. not a happy/sad/angry scream, just a really really loud scream.

enough of that.

I

I
you know what?
fuck it, I know this song won't change anything
but I'm here and you are here so let's just do it
you know why sincerety feels good.
I wanna remember what we talked about.
I'm just figuring it out on my own
and I swear that moment helped
that moment we had.

ok
look at it this way
you and I will always, always
feel like there is something out there we need that we dont have
that yearning lonely feeling
that feeling is a part of us
and its not actually attached to any one thing
so we cant satiate it
but its a good hole
cause it helps us understand what matters
its just- that yearning lonely feeling wont actually go away
ever
you just learn to deal with it
desire isnt supposed to be fulfilled
its supposed to pull you and push you till you die
and thats ok
if you can learn to be ok with that
then life is ok


for example
if you were to write a list of tangible things you wanted to acheive
like a degree or a job or something specific
once you get it, you wont be satisfied
you will desire something else
and you will be right where you were again
just with a new want
thats part of life
so dont beat yourself up
there is no key to ending desire
you just keep going
at whatever pace you like
faster, slower, whatever
no need to hate yourself

Many things bother me, but they dont bother me that much. I hate very few things intensely.

I dont really halfheartedly like many things, there arent many things that I offhandedly one-foot-in-the-water shrugly meh-like. But I love (really love) certain things intensely.

So you might see a lot of negativity coming from me, in terms of word tonnage. Just trust that I spend more time thinking about the few things I really love than the multitude of little things that I think are mildly annoying.