hello world, im feeling very angry right now.

what, world, is the point of sharing this with you?

talking about it, sending it out to you, world, what does that do?

im sure you like it when I share nice things with you,

but I have not nice things too, and they jump

out of my chest,

through my uh-sof-uh-gus

and right past my teeth into you, world.

they are nasty, ugly, selfish, scared, and loud things.

and when they come out, how does that make you feel, world?

im sure the nice things are ok,

the nice things dont try and pull on your arm.

the not nice things, the anger, the fear, the outrage that I feel sometimes, world,

that must pull you, doesnt it?

that must grab your shoulder and spin you around,

must give your neck a startling tug as you are HIT?

and when I do this to you, and you did not give me permission to do this,

how can I expect anything less than resentment from you?

all this leads me to think that the best thing to do is to let the fire in my chest

GROWL and YELL and SCREAM and POUND and DEMAND

all by itself inside of me.

The tricky part is, I think I dont know how to do that right.

I am a coward. I see the fire in me, and I cannot face it alone.

It grabs my throat and fills it with a SCREAM! a big selfish SCREAM!

ROOOAAARR!

And the coward in me holds that scream back, just barely.

it tells my tounge to cover my throat up, to hold it still.

it forces air down the strained scream in my throat,

hoping enough air will calm it down.

it tries to take the thing in my head that creates the scream,

and take it somewhere else.

The coward in me cannot do this.

The coward in me fails to control the fire.

The fire would have me in the streets, screaming until I pass out.

So the coward in me thinks of a new strategy.

The coward in me looks at the bursting dam, and says

Hey, if I cant stop this feeling from coming out, maybe I can give it somewhere for it to burst into.


So here I am. Writing a stupid fucking note on a stupid fucking blog that gets redirected to a stupid fucking facebook page that all my stupid fucking friends and family may or may not read.

YOU GUYS ARE INNOCENT BYSTANDERS! I DONT REALLY THINK YOU GUYS ARE BAD GUYS!

I have no idea what I hope to acheive by writing this down. This is a letter with no recipient. Im not considering whoever you are, reading this. Im not picking words based on whether or not you like them. I know its strange, but Im not putting this out there for any of you. Im not responsible for what I say here, because I have absolutely no intention of holding myself responsible for it. You can watch, you can comment, you can do one or neither of those things. If you want to talk to me, call me, find me in person. I like conversations :)

but this medium is just how I deal with my own mind. my goal never was, and probably never will be, to be coherent or "nice" or fair or respectful or entertaining.

A

A

A funny thing about seeing them on stage.

The sounds mix with the way you see them, what they do with their
faces, their bodies.

They take you somewhere, but the funny thing about it is that you
can't tell where they will take you. You don't have a safe way of
knowing where the music is headed.

So you watch and just hang on, at the edge of each moment.

What is that like? How does it feel?

Sent from my iPod

K

K

I think I liked you better
When all I had of you was your music

I knew you better then.
I know you less the more time I spend

Sent from my iPod

so here is the core of my problem with SOCAN right now. i acknowledge that they are the only game in town, and that means that my argument is basically just an empty gripe.


My problem is that we are paying a levy on blank media (CD's right now, possibly hard drives/mp3 players in the future) which is explained as being a way to give royalties to bands. However, a band which is heard only on that taxed blank media, and not widely published or played on national radio, would recieve none of that money.

So, we have a tax for bands that never actually gets to the bands. That shouldnt exist. If SOCAN is limited and therefore cannot consider the internet and mp3players when paying out royalties, fine. but what gives them the right to tax the medium that they admit they cant represent in their royalties?

I

I
Everyone is sitting around grooving to tired music,

Waiting for the good times to come.

Everyone is talking to each other about things they don't really care
about

Waiting for the good times to come.

Everyone drinks just

a little more than they need to,

Waiting for the good times to come.

Sent from my iPod

P

P

This is a song I wrote. If you would like to hear it, it's available
on the Plastic Chair Explosion facebook page.

This is a story i've told before

I've lost a lot of things, lost a lot of beautiful things

This is a story you've heard before

I've lost a lot of things, lost a lot of goddamn things.

And you lend me your ear, your ear, your ear,

And you're trying to hear, to hear, to hear,

My words are hanging in the air

But they're not right, so I can't share

I tell you I've lost a lot of beautiful things,

But without my memories, how can you know what that means?

Sent from my iPod

finished his first semester at college. completely finished it. COMPLETELY FINISHED IT. oh god that feels good to say. I am free. Till jan 1st. then im back into this completely fulfilling challenge.

Dear God,

You better hope you arent real because if you are I swear to... er... YOU that Im gunna come up there and kick your ass when Im dead.

Snow and fire and walks in nature and nostalgia and romance and my memories of childhood christmas on the farm. The image of a forest covered in snow seen through the living room window strikes me.

every human being deserves to be happy. I truly believe there is nothing a human can ever do to lose this right. Independantly and personally figuring out how to become happy without adversely affecting other people's independant and personal attempts at finding happiness is the problem, of course, but please do your best to never forget that underneath that, no human can lose his or her right to happiness.

im growing up in a world slowly transforming into a transhumanist state.

where is value? what is valuable? what counts? what happens when what was valuable by the nature of its scarcity is now no longer scarce? is it still valuable?

does anyone know whether or not Im really trying? I dont think Ill ever feel like Im trying hard enough. I have eyes that see what I can do for miles and miles, but my knees are weak and Im somewhere else.

Its so heartbreaking to spend time doing a good job, when that job isnt what feels right. When what feels right is wandering and writing and listening and singing and chasing the minds of pretty women.

so im sitting in the upper level of the VIU library, and it kind of hits me all at once as I look out the window. Our friggin province is beautiful! mountains everywhere, forests, the ocean, ahh. soo good.

alright so we are all responsible for finding meaning, and we all each individually get to decide what is meaningful. Ok I think I get that part.

now you get people bumping into each other. Hey, look at that person over there. s/he finds that meaningful, and not that. And that other person finds that other thing meaningful, but not that thing. And that person looks like they find everything meaningful, but you arent sure if they really do. And that person doesnt seem to find anything meaningful.

And here I am, trying to figure out which ideas and things I care about and which I dont. Most of the time, however, instead of figuring that out, I just spend my time trying to understand other people's choices about THEIR preferences.

AHA! then I look at one of theirs, and say, "NO, that one isnt a good one" and I see another choice and I say "YES, that one is a good one". So Im figuring out my meanings by looking at yours and yours and yours and interpreting how they make me feel. Hmm.

my life is a finite amount of water. the world is an infinite amount of thirsty mouths, each crying out at me in different languages.

all of the basic things I know about myself, I learned when I was 13 years old. IVe been interpreting that knowledge and trying to express it since.

music is whatever you want it to be

I played probably my best show yet this evening.

All artists are con artists

today was a school day. I had 2 exams and 3 classes. ahh.. I am holding on, but barely.

Thanksgiving is a project where a guy sings and makes music. He is quiet and sincere, and I like him!

My mind is wandering, and suddenly im filled with a warm feeling.

The feeling is... hmm.

It feels like Im filled with a calm understanding of some big thing, like a way of being, or the connections between a bunch of things.

I wonder how many artistic endeavors are attempts at creating something that instills the listener/viewer with that feeling?

Gearing up for some crazy stuff. school is a monster which I shall slay. Music is a woman which I shall lay. cooking and cleaning is domestic stuff, which is ok. and my life is just fine this way!

my values are fighting each other this evening.
In this corner, we have Integrety.

Integrety likes long walks on the beach and reflecting to make sure that my actions "feel right", reflect who I am at my core. Integrety also helps me find out where that core is through my emotions of "that feels right" and "that doesnt feel right"

And in this corner, we have Kindness.

Kindness likes to be happy, and make other people happy. Kindness will sacrifice its own happiness if it benefits people it cares about, and/or for the group as a whole. Kindness analyzes social situations, tells me which action is least likely to make people feel bad, and tells me to do that.

ROUND ONE, FIGHT!

busy busy busy

shows and school and practice and trips.

hey cool kids

please dont overlook us

we dont look as happy

and we arent as easy to love

but please dont overlook us

hey cool kids

we know how it feels

and when your nice faces say the words about the times it felt like that

and how it seperates you guys in a nice way

well, we feel that too

we just cant put on the nice face and say it like you.

so, cool kids,

please dont overlook us

we have so much in common!

ive got so many questions

like

why did you stop talking to me when I stopped talking to you?

didnt you know that I only stopped initiating the conversation because I wanted YOU to come to ME?

and what does it mean that you wouldnt come to me if I stopped coming to you?

where does motivation come from? what affects it? what kind of people motivate me?

what kind of people take away my motivation? which kind am I to you?

where do moods come from? why do bad moods come at the least convienient times?

why am I happy when being sad makes more sense?

why am I sad when being happy would make things go so much more smoothly?

why arent I more productive?

why am I capable of imagining intense, dramatic, nervous energy-creating experiences?

woke up

talk with bashu

poster stuff for upcoming show

watch Where The Wild Things Are

hang with seth, brandon, joeann

see a cool show at the cambie

have good meetings with people

come home

sleep

I figgered I havent done a shameless plug in a while.

if you are at my blog, you will notice a thingy at the left. thats one of the bands im in! if you are on, feel free to click away and become a fan. I have pictures, videos, and mp3s streaming there! while you are at it, feel free to search "The Detective Collective" on facebook. thats another band that im in. you might like it!

aaannnd if you are on facebook reading this, and would like to hear some music I play on, just search Plastic Chair Explosion or "The Detective Collective"

Ok, shameless plug done.

I thought the music made me who I am for a while, that it shaped me. now im not so sure. maybe I always was me, and ive sort of drifted towards music that fits the me I already am subconsiously?

(lifted from wikipedia)

Content-analysis studies have identified common reported themes in dreams. These include: situations relating to school (adolescents), being chased or attacked, running slowly in place, falling, arriving too late, a person alive in reality dead in the dream, a person who is dead in real life alive in the dream, teeth falling out, flying, future events such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc. (with different scenarios), past events in your life (with different scenarios) embarrassing moments, falling in love with random people, failing an examination, not being able to move or focus vision, car accidents, being accused of a crime you didn't commit, suddenly finding yourself naked, going to the toilet, losing your car, not knowing where you are and many more[

i was born with intellect

but my real challenge in life is to not let that make me an asshole who doesn't notice all the other important things.

NEW SONG

Ok so I wrote a punk song for the DC. its going to be radically different from what you are used to hearing from us... and really fun to play! what follows is the song map.

Intro
A
B
C
D

A
B
C
D
E

C
D
C

A:
My connection to the divine is unstable

So I gotta be careful

My connection to the sublime is unstable

Lemme wiggle that cord.

B:
Its like im atat this great party

and everyones in on a joke

except me (laughing in the background)

C:
did anyone ever tell you that the cake was made of sawdust

cause no one ever told me that this cake is made of sawdust

now do you know what its like to have your insides on the outside

well Ill tell you what its like to have your insides on the outside

its like...

D:
(Instrumental, yelling in the background)

E:
(Instrumental, crazy laughter in the background)

4th spatial dimension:



SOO COOL

My connection to the divine is unstable

So I gotta be careful

My connection to the sublime is unstable

Lemme wiggle that cord.

I wonder about people who dont comprimise on their dreams. What happens to those people?

I think I know of a few people who didnt compromise a vision they had when they it. They ended up getting famous and sucessful in spite of the fact that commercial appeal was never a factor in what kind of art they made. Lou Reed and Frank Zappa come to mind.

Whats it like to be someone on a mission like that? I feel like most people who persure an idea like he did could never be famous, let alone support themselves. And yet, he DID get famous. what quality do some people have that makes THEIR pure, unedited expression valuable? Im sure there are a ton of people who create without consiously trying to make their art accessible. Why do some of them get recognised, while others dont? what affects it? and, why?

My big question is what separates a great artist who never considered commercial appeal and a nobody who never considered commercial appeal? does there exist a real, tangible way to measure the value of art, seperate from popularity?

River and Girl (first poem ive done in a while)

Sitting, noticing, existing, being, living.

As people around me speak and move, im there, in slow motion.

Im in a Cmaj7 chord, drifing across a river.

I am a deep, slow river.

I no longer feel frustrated or upset with the logs and empty beer cans drifting across my back.

They spin and turn and knock into each other. They are busy chasing things.

Sometimes I enter a piece of driftwood and pretend I am one of them

Slipping downstream, spinning and bobbing up and down.

It makes me dizzy, so I look around, and I see someone sitting on the rocks.

Her eyes drift lazily along the river. She notices little things, bits and pieces as they float along.

I am the river again now, I play her my music.

My music is swift and loud notes combining to make something soft and steady.

She lowers her arm slowly into the river, enjoying the cool feeling.

I feel connected to her, she feels connected to me.

My crashing rythm enters her heart.

Her heart starts to beat in time my current, We are steady and strong.

Alright, 5 cool things that have happened in the last 2 months for me.

1. Finished my first studio-quality recordings, on a compilation. This was cool because to me its a big step for me as a musician

2. Went to a party full of metalheads, met an old friend of mine who I hadnt seen in a while and who had subsequently become a white supremacist, and eventually convinced him he doesnt have to be racist.

3. Had some very intense, very short-lived romances. Good memories!

4. Started college! love college. figgin love spending 8 hrs a day expanding my mind instead of 8 hrs a day washing dishes.

5. Met my grandmother for the first time, had a great visit with her. :D

Alright guys, the PCE has a big show coming up November 7th! itll be fun. its at The Vault, a coffeeshop in nanaimo. Whoo!

also, college life is good life.

Ok, so on one side, they are concerned, and want to help.
same for the other side.

and they both claim that the other side is lying.
hm.
why is it that people assume that there is a simple, one-word answer to lifes problems?

The right is concerned that we are losing our morality. They want us to care about each other more.
They cite the problem's source as the odd ones: people without families, people who arent patriotic, people without religion. They dont have the neccicary ingredients for morality (family, nationalism, religion). Their solution is focusing on your family, your religion, your nation. Then we will care about each other more.

The left is concerned about our morality, too. They also want us to care about each other more.
They cite the problem's source as the normal ones: white, protestant, 2.5 child-having families who havent been exposed to diversity, and can judge safely those who they dont understand. Their solution is tolerance, respect, political correctness, and loving those who are different.

All i see here is two groups who sincerely care about people, and want to help.

LISTEN TO FRANK ZAPPA!

his stuff... wow. aahhhh

I am not afraid of your sin, I am not afraid of you.
I do not wonder if you are lying when you speak to me.
I am here because I want to be here, and thats all you need to know right now.
I dont need you to become anything, I dont need you to turn into something I think is good.
You are on a journey, and it will unfold however it unfolds. Im here. Ill be there for you, but only if its right to do so.

Everyone deserves to be happy, and you deserve to be loved exactly as much as you are capable of living another person :)

The beauty... ahh. I dont treat the beauty right. When I see the beauty, hear the beauty, experience the beauty, the feeling is overpowering. Its like being washed away by a tidal wave. I think on some level my entire history of romance and relationships has been many attempts at experiencing this beauty, and having someone feel it too. I feel like that feeling is something I need to learn to share. I dont really share it very well right now. The words get all jumbled, I say the wrong thing. But this tidal wave is inside me, and it wants to get out. Man, if I didnt write these things here, I would have an even harder time, I think. Its like if the world could speak, its saying to me

"HEY! IM THE WORLD AND I AM BEAUTIFUL! I AM SO FULL OF MEANING! EVERY MOMENT YOU SPEND NOT IN CELEBRATION OF THIS IS A WASTE OF YOUR SHORT AND DISTRACTED LIFE! GO FRIGGIN LOVE SOMEONE!!"

So I say to the world, Ok world, Ill go love someone. And then I try, and then I fall. Sometimes I get some understanding, and I get moments where it really feels like they feel that thing too. That beautiful, wonderful, sublime thing. But things dont work out. I get selfish, or something or other. But guess what? Thats not going to stop me. Im going to keep trying. Because Fleet Foxes wrote "Blue Ridge Mountains" for ME to hear right now as I write this. They wrote it so I could feel this way. Feel like getting on a bike and riding into the sun. Feel like hugging and smiling. And maybe someday, if Im good, Ill get to cry with a smile on my face :)

reflecting...

alright so i guess im a musician now? I have a playlist on my comp that plays some songs I like. its go around 50 songs. Some of the songs I played on the Rough Diamonds compilation are in there.

So im listening to this playlist, and after a few songs, one of mine comes on, then more other ones play afterwards. I get to look at that song I wrote in the context of other songs. how does it feel? does it feel like a "real" song? Its a cool way to look at your work. It actually felt really good!

Damn it feels good to know you dont know what you are doing. Ill just say it out loud: I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING! I was in class today, and someone asked a show of hands: how many people had their lives completely figured out already? About 15 people raised their hands. THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I dont know what im doing. I dont know what im doing! Every single moment, every new song, every new kiss, every lingering moment of eye contact, every early morning jog, every new idea, every new challange, everyTHING thats waiting for me to discover it... I HAVE NO IDEA whats coming. And I feel like if I wanted my life to be planned out, it would just make the beauty of chaos in my life lessen. I know I have to make some choices- for example, Ive decided to give these courses my best shot this semester. Ive also chosen some courses for next semester. BUT! If something happens, and I am convinced that I shouldnt be at university, well, I WOULD NOT GO! I hope I wouldnt even look back. The amazing moments in life make me so overwhelmed I would cry... I dont know how to cry. I dont think my body can do it. I really wish it could sometimes, cause I get really emotional and it just feels like constipation or something... like my body wants a release that will never come. But I still want that feeling... arrgh. No, I DO still want those overwhelming moments where a new song and a sunset and a smile and a hug and eye contact all build up into this big fucking... ahh. I wont let me stop me from experiencing those good things wherever they take me!!!

I dont like that loop where I sit thinking I should be thinking differently, acting differently, doing different things. I wanna be totally happy with me in each moment, even as it changes. also heres a band I like

http://www.myspace.com/nailsalonsongs

"Balls"-ing and social experiments

Ok so a long time ago I had a computer in a public(ish) area. Sometimes people would use my computer to check their facebook. After doing so, they would close the window without logging out, or just leave the computer while still logged in. If I wanted to go on facebook, I had to log out of their account, then log into mine. I didnt like this, for some pretty dumb reasons. I felt as though someone had left pee in my toilet or something... I dunno. So whenever I saw that someone had left their facebook on, I would change their status to something involving the word "balls". "I LIEK TEH BALLZ", for example. This went on for a while. Some people thought it was funny, and tried to "Balls" me back, or balls other people. Some people were annoyed. I dont really do it anymore, but looking back on it, it sort of grew into something that operated independant of me- my mom was ballsing me, my friends were ballsing each other, etc. Its really interesting how people can spread ideas that take on a life of their own!

Sneezing feels good...

Im having a nice couple of days. I feel closer to something Im searching for.

Id love to get to know you better

but kids these days

the kids

they want connections and meaning and powerful stuff like that

but they arent willing to sacrifice or commit for it.

"Yeah, id love to sometime. that would me amazing. thats exactly how I feel. I know. Im totally there. When? Uh, well im doing this on friday, and this on saturday, and umm, I dunno, lets just not make plans and maybe something will happen"

Also im a hypocrite

Say you are on MSN, chatting with someone. if you press backspace when you havent written anything, you get a "bing" sound. Know what I mean? I LOVE listening to music where that "bing" sound fits with it. Ill just bing away to it, like jamming.

HAHAHAH!

the music I listen to varies, and I thought of one factor. NAPS!
good music to nap to: Feel Good Lost by Broken Social Scene. all downtempo instrumental-ish stuff. I like it!

alright, fuck drama, im starting a punk band! YEAAHHAHGAHHH!

anyone wanna be in a punk band with me?!

Throughout my life ive always paid special attention to people who consider themselves outcast. Whether or not its people making themselves outcast, or people being made outcast by a group, they look different, the act different, they think different. When I see people like that, I just feel this kinship. I guess I'm coming to terms with my weaknessess. Hanging out with outsiders makes me not have to worry so much :) I dont like apologising for who I am!

man I swear some days I wake up and its like im in a different life. everything around feels wrong, and I have no idea why. nothing to blame, nothing in particular to point a finger at. just.. uneasy. i think sometimes being a romantic kind of wears me down. I go out at night expecting to have random encounters with people ive never met that change my life. I mean, that HAS happened, and probably more often than I think, but I want more. arrgh.

Alright so im a webcomics nerd.

HOURLY COMICS

Different web cartoonists draw a 2 or 3-panel comic (really a sketch) every hour for a day, from when they wake up to when they sleep. I LOVE IT! its pretty cool.

ill link some here:

http://www.ryanpequin.com/otherprojects/hourly09jan03.htm

http://www.hourlycomic.com/

etc. go looking around.

ALSO WEBCOMICS ARE COOL!!

tomorrow I go to orientation at my university.

i love this friggin album that we made. its like a testament to the years ive spent in parksville.

and...

hiii!

man screw beauty.

so today, im playing at the biggest music festival ive ever played at (probably)

and my the CD me and my friends are on, the one ive been in the studio for months for, is being released at said festival (definately).

WOW!

This is why I love The Moldy Peaches


Mardi Gras came and went,
all my money has been spent.
How 'm I gonna pay the rent
sitting on -my ass/your face?

Who mistook the steak for chicken
?
Who'm I gonna stick my dick in?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

my former life i -had a sister/was a high roller,
I abused her and I dissed her/ walked my kids in a diamond stroller,
she got swept up in a twister/ found my calling as a part time bowler
first I laughed and then i missed her/ traded my wife in for a new green roller.
Who mistook these baths for showers?
Who fucked up that leaning tower?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

Oh, get on a greyhound and ride away,
different dreams from yesterday/ live on birthday cake each day
tell your -grandma you're ok/ grandparents that they're gay,
kiss her cheek/steal their money- and run away.
Me and my friends are so smart:
we invented this new kind of -darts/art
hit a bull's eye cut up heart/ post modernist throwing darts
smoking crack and -cutting back/crack.
Who mistook this crap for genius?/ who is dancing on the ceiling?
Who is gonna stroke my penis?/who is gonna hurt my feelings
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch,
sitting on the couch.

Oh -even your mother is a crook/people are shiny like a brand new book
but if -I get/you take- a closer look
there's shit on every -road you took/hand you shook
You don't believe me?
Read the book/ Look at your hand.
Who made all these things for killing?
Whose -empty heart/pussy hole- needs filling?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

Who mistook the steak for chicken?
Who'm I gonna stick my dick in?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch x 4.

well uh

A well uh

sleeping when you need to sleep feels nice! dreaming is nice too!
meeting new people is nice! connecting to new music feels nice!
existing in moments so perfect you KNOW you will remember them for along time...
that CAN be nice, but if im caught up in how ill remember it, it might spoil it...

I have 3 goals

1 Give all I can to bands/music
2 Give all I can to school
3 Spend money wisely

so wish me luck!

lets take turns admitting we dont really know what we are doing

you first

delightfully unsure, and yet still trying to be aware of how people are affected,

probably addicted to that sense of not knowing how it will turn out

really just in love with the ability to experience whatever you desire

wanting the freedom, wanting fate and serendipity to take hold and give me gifts

gifts of random late night beat poetry set to the drums and claps of DUMDUM DUM

gifts of insight, gifts of insight, gifts of surprise, and of wonder

gifts of being surprised to learn something new and amazing from a bad situation

gifts of being shown you were wrong, gifts of being shown new ways to excite you

gifts of things you CANT EXPECT, things your mind and heart cant prepare you for

things that I couldn't possibly predict or write about,

things I can barely describe, even in retrospect

THANK YOU LIFE

THANK YOU for showing me new and wonderful things.

And thank you in advance for showing me new beautiful and amazing things

things I would never have known I desired- until it came along.

alright, a life update. Played an open mic with the PCE yesterday, playing another one tomorrow. Im very satisfied with the tracks weve recorded, and Im looking forward to an EP, then an LP from the PCE and the DC. my life is well planned for school and such, and I like having my own place. and... yeah. lots of nice things!

I have no idea. I dont know you, and thats just the way it is, its nobody's fault. Im not supposed to know you, maybe. Im feeling like the whole thing is just "i dont know" but im trying to describe it. It doesnt hurt, hurt isnt the right word. It just makes me feel things, things that make me slow down and notice my heartbeat and things that make me feel scared and unsure. I feel like a child in the water trying to swim for the first time. I have a goal, a change to make. I dont know if im doing it, but I want to look around, and at you and whatever, and just let it be. I wasnt born passive or calm, I think, but after a while I finally tried really hard at stepping back, and letting things happen however you or anyone else wanted them to happen. I was so used to trying to exercise control over situations, so used to monitoring how people react when I do things, and acting in order to make things happen, all that shit. But for once I tried, really REALLY tried, to step back and let things turn out however they would have. Not so that I could get what I want without controlling people, not that at all; just stepping back and really really being ok with anything that comes, even if its not what I thought I wanted, or if it hurts. So here I am, feeling... feeling. Just affected, really affected.

calm down jesse

ahhhhhh

hands shaking right now

Elegance and Eloquence,
teach me to take these pure and simple ideas
and make them beautiful.

I love you. I love you! I love! Love!

Living is great. Loving is great! Trying feels good. RECORDING IS DONE! Now just mmixing and mastering, then WE HAVE A CD! then back to the studio for full lps.

OH WOW IM A MUSICIAN GUYS! A REAL ONE! JUST LIKE I WANTED TO BE A WHILE BACK!
AAHHAAH

Recorded today, have some videos to upload and things.


If its dark and you cant feel around at all, and you are how you feel and what you hear is what matters to you, where are the sounds coming from?

Im going to someday write a guide on how not stop whatever was in your pockets from falling out when you go to pick up an article of clothing off the floor in the dark.

I am taking Digital Media Studies and Political Science in September. Ideally I would love to somehow let my school work overlap with my band stuff! This month im in limbo, im just trying not to spend too much money before my loans and grants come in september.

Had a good day today! Im sort of feeling out the rhythm of nanaimo life. I think... I think I need internet in my house, or a phone. One or the other. Wrote another song :)

I want to learn to be

and to reach out




I want to be a clean place for beauty to visit.

I want to declutter my soul so there is room to worship moments, moments like this one and that one, and this one had music and that one had a kiss and maybe one was just lying on the grass looking up.


I like the purity and unity of sublime understanding your beauty gives me!
I want to let my actions reflect it. I want to do how I feel. I want the me I feel like when I am totally compelled in a beautiful and pure direction to be the me you see!

And I spent 80$ in the bar

and was it worth it? and... I dont think 8-$ goes very far these days. I can't remember if the bar ever existed- my memory of it is as nostalgic and wistful as a dream.

Bars are strange places. A place designated for breathing out.

IN a dream, you soak it all in. Enjoy it. Your desires, hopes, ideas, imagined futures etc. You breathe it all in. You are full.

Then I (you?) wake up. The world tells you what can and can't happen. So you hold your breath, you take it, you endure. your dreams aren't real, and the oxygen is slowly fading out of the air in your lungs.

Then finally- finally! You go somewhere to breathe out. Loud music. Laughing people, a relaxed social code where obnoxiousness, loud, sweeping gestures and unrepentant expression of selfish yet sincere emotion bursts forth.

A crowd of people all breathe out on to each other. Sloppy and happily crashing into each other. Your shit becomes my shit, everything feels like its in a movie, meaning is found. And it took 80$ worth of alcohol. It really shouldn't require 80$. But thats how it goes.

Im sorry for dragging you down, baby.

Im sorry for mocking your sincere feelings.

Im sorry I cant keep a straight face when you tell me about how My Chemical Romance made you cry.

Im sorry im such a judgemental asshole.

I feel like my things are worth caring about and your things arent.

Ive got a list of reasons why yours arent and my are, you know.

its a very nice list!

But you tell me you feel it, and your eyes say it too.

So im sorry, baby, but I dont know what to do.

Why I like to meet new people

Hi, nice to meet you! I dont know anything about you! Oh look, you said something! What you said doesnt have the context of knowing everything about you, so what you said could be seen from whatever perspective I feel like using. So... ill just take everything you say make up the context. And my made up context? Well wouldnt you know it, it says you are perfect! it says you are everything I like and nothing I dont! It says you've been thinking about everything ive been thinking about lately, and you really wanna talk about it. It says that before you met me you really just wish someone who looks exactly like me had walked up to you and told you about their life, and asked you to be there for me... er... I mean him.

I want to reach up, and spend my time chasing beauty. Id like to spend my time following whatever beauty I see and feel, wherever It goes, wherever it takes me. Doing this would put me at odds with lots of people. I also want to be able to do this without hurting people, without making me seem condescending. I dont really think I am better than anyone, or that I could be. I want to be seen as someone who is "on to something" but not as someone who is hostile or hurtful. :D

What makes one kind of human expression "better" than another? One person says something, people listen. Someone else says something else, and no one notices. What affects this? If I understood what affected it, would I change to get more attenion? more money? more meaning? Do people do that? When people act natural, they get different results... what does that do to you? One person acting naturally gets a positive reaction, one person acting naturally gets a negative one. So, some people might get the idea that the more positive feedback you get from people, the more right you are. And if you get negative feedback after doing what feels natural, then you are wrong. There is something about the natural, honest you that shouldnt be. This all carries a big assumption, and that assumption is that you are measured by other people's judgement of you. Is that good for you? I guess its good for you if they like you, and if they dont like you, then you either be what they want, or learn to live without them.

Harmony. Anger.

I see it, I mean I see that you are trying. I know that. I dont show it, but I really do know that.
But it pisses me off. If I think the direction you are walking towards is one I dont like, then I get pissed off. Dont worry though, its not your fault, you are just dong what feels good- what feels natural for you. I guess that means Im left wondering why it feels natural for me to reject what feels natural for you. I always feel like Im on to something important- something beautiful- I just dont really know how to express it yet.

Alright. work tuesday, recording wednesday and thursday, and big show on friday. !!

Ohhhhh

You gotta

You just gotta

Learn...to...love...the...struggle!

When life is a struggle, LOVE THAT STRUGGLE!

most of the time I hate everyone.

But its a bad kind of hate. umm. How to put it. Most of the time, really, I find myself irritated by people even when they arent to blame. I can be irritated merely by existing around someone, and if they need to be around me for some reason, I cant blame them. Yet I find myself irritated. Ah well. I yam what I yam. I like people too sometimes!

Hey guys! Ive been doing a lot of recording lately. Ill hopefully have 2 EPs out by the end of summer!

Safety and sanity and care and love.
Danger and confusion and alienation and fear.

Trust and anger and beauty and loneliness.
Words and words and words.

Words about words with or without music.

"I believe that you are sincere and good at heart. If you do not attain happiness, always remember that you are on the right road, and try not to leave it. Above all, avoid falsehood, every kind of falsehood, especially falseness to yourself. Watch over your own deceitfulness and look into it every hour, every minute. Avoid being scornful, both to others and yourself. What seems to you bad within you will grown purer from the very fact that of your observing it in yourself. Avoid fear, too, though fear is only the result of falsehood. Never be frightened at your own faint-heartedness in attaining love. Don't be too frightened even at your evil actions. I am sorry I can say nothing more consoling to you, for love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams. Love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly performed and in the sight of all. Men will even give their lives if only the ordeal does not last long but is soon over, with all looking on and applauding as though on a stage. But active love is labour and fortitude, and for some people too, perhaps, a complete science."


The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoevsky. Page 62.

One reason I have a hard time being around people sometimes is that I dont like not understanding. I dont really feel like I understand myself right now, I dont feel like I am the me I should be. When I am around people, I dont feel right unless I feel like I understand the situation. My paranoia is killing me.

busy day today! confirming the place I want, and Band stufff.

stressful few days ahead! ahh! work +planning my life! AQHH! + shows and writing and music and friends ahahahahahha!

so I just found this really strange 8.5 minute long ambient track I made using a keyboard... kinda cool!

Self destruct

CAUSE ITS FUN

Self Aware

CAUSE I AM

Self-Absorbed

CAUSE WHO ELSE


We do it cause its something to do. Really, though. That phrase, cause its something to do. We are hunting meaning. We want to feel things that, upon feeling them, make us feel like it was a meaningful thing. Some of us are aware of it as we go, some arent. Some are sometimes, some are convinced that its not even true. The way I tell people things, like my words are pushing them, makes them instinctively want to think up something to fight it. Obsessively devils advocating.

The worst part about writing about things here is the bias inherent: I decided to write about it. I decided not to keep it to myself, I decided to share it. That statement there colours and contorts and controls and affects the way anything here is read. and I cant really escape that in my current state.

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! Please don't think I'm arrogant for writing. I really don't know what I mean here. What if the readers think the writer knows more about things than the reader? Just cause I wrote it down instead of keeping it to myself? I want to let you know that I know that you already know. I'm trying not to write as though I was showing you guys something you haven't already thought about. I am not doing that! HONEST!

As for why I'm writing... I think better by writing it down.

I like songs that trigger memories very much.

in my head I have this idea of the perfect Sanctum

freedom from distraction

we'll see how it goes.

Ive got a big big dream to live up to. Im excited to give it a really good try.

Just focusing on beauty I hear and see, and trying to do something creatively with it. Paint and words and music, and love, and holding, and reading, and meaning. nothing else. no stupid jokes, no video games or distractions. and in a selfish way, it would mean treating my friends in a way that would make me seem distant. I just cant follow this beautiful path set before me if I spent 60% of my emotions and headspace keeping up with this social group.

*Im drunk right now*

*im also listening to The Glow Pt 2 by The Microphones"

I havent been drunk in months

I feel connected to something, like its easier to express that connection right now. Ive got this friend who writes cool guitar stuff. And today I took something I wrote in my blog a while back and just started singing while he was playing. and it worked, and it was so amazing and effortless. Life is good. I love you! I shouldnt feel ashamed to say it. I love you I love you I love you. I feel great! I feel great and I love you! and everything is just fine and I love you. you dont need to be scared. im over here, at a different place. and in my place, im saying I love you. I love you and I like where I am. I love you and im happy with how I am right now. I love you and I am safe and comfortable. Im not saying "Iloveyoudoyoulovemeandbythewaydoyouwannatotallybecommittedforever"

im just saying that I feel happy, and I see a kind of sacredness in the time we had. the time we had is a beautiful and good thing, and I dont need to be ashamed to say I think about it and it matters to me and I love that it happened. and my life is better for it and everything in the universe is beautiful, and when I was with you I saw a little more of the beauty. Being with you connected me to the beauty I see in you and everything. So, when I say "I love you" im really saying "Thank you!!!" with a big goofy smile. Im smiling because THANK YOU, not because HEYWHATABOUTTHEFUTUREYOUBETTERSTRESSABOUTTHINSNOW.


Just enjoy how it feels as you feel it, and be real about how it felt. It probably looks like Im asking for more, but right here right now im saying that in this moment I dont need anything more than that. Honest. Wheeee

Oh man

You know I

I just

I really just

I JUST LIKE HOW YOUR HEAD FITS
ON MY SHOULDER


Oh golly

I mean I

I just

I really Just

I JUST LIKE HOW MY ARM FITS IN YOUR LAP
WHEN YOUR HEAD FITS ON MY SHOULDER

well what I mean is

im not trying to

I just

well you know

ahh fuck it

I JUST LIKE HOW MY HEAD FITS
ON YOUR HEAD WHEN MY ARM IS
IN YOUR LAP AND MY HEAD IS
ON YOUR SHOULDER

Thats all!

Oh baby oh darlin
I cant stay with you here

I cant stand being with you
I cant stand all this fear


Afraid of your words Afraid of my words
Afraid they'll be misconstrued

Afraid of knee jerk reactions
It all depends on your mood


I said I loved you, And I would love you
for the rest of my life

but I think Im starting to see
that thats a very long time


But I still love you, my heart still needs you
and it will never let you go

its just my mind and my body
they're getting dragged down below


Under my words, Under your words
Under everything at once

my body knows that it needs you
but I dont like what it wants


It wants a new thing, it wants a fun thing
It wants a place to explore

It wants to kiss a pair of lips
That it has never kissed before


Now im a bastard, im an an asshole
but not because of what I want

Its cause I have to be honest
Its cause I have to be blunt


Im just a young boy, just a wanderer
without a sense of respect

Im going to walk away tomorrow
And thats a sensible bet

the movies choose the people with the expressive faces
but we all have things to express
not just the pretty ones.

Life updates!

Im reading The Brothers Karamazov. VERY GOOD BOOK!

Im thinking about a prog rock song im writing called speed chess. When I finally get it going for the band, it will be very good. Its really ambitious and complicated, but rewarding!

I was a man with convictions
I wanted to show that I felt something
But I wouldn't join the monastery.

Committing a life to a cause is a very big deal.


My moments of peace are not well advertised,
but they are there.
They are not delusion. They are personal and impossible.
Thank you!

NO! Im not letting it go like that. I have more to say! Why cant we just listen to our bodies? When music makes me dance, I dont question the feeling. I dont worry about whether or not my body really wants to move. It does! I do! I am! I feel! I love! I am free! As long as this song doesnt stop, I am free.

slipping into the moment

Someone ive never met did something, and it changed how I saw something else.

my words arent coming easily. I feel wrong. What I do doesnt feel right. Im looking around for the right way to do it, the right way to be. Following my bliss doesnt seem to work, if it involves another person. Im feeling what im feeling, and I cant expect anything else of myself. These feelings are real. I want to cry, an end-of-the-rope "hey I did my best how come its not like I thought it would be" cry. Im grateful for the small things. I get to commune with my music. I get to find beauty and bliss in that. I have a job, a place where my body is bound beyond my control. I am grateful for that because when my body is out of my control, my mind seems to find clarity. Ive spent my whole life aspiring toward something more, being dependant on that "more" for happiness. Change happens, and I can affect the change. Some changes result in me feeling better, some worse. The hardest thing I can think of right now is accepting the change while in some way freeing myself from it. A me who doesn't feel dependant on predicting or causing things, while being affected by things I do. Fucking impossible

I just want

I want to write you a picture
and tell you a kiss on the neck

I want to feel good, mostly.
Feeling good feels good.

I want to get what I want without needing to get what I want.
Im much farther ahead than I was, and Im excited to see what comes next.

But im not satisfied, not yet.
I guess im just going to have to get used to it.

I should go to sleep.

He was walking. His headphones told him stories. His eyes told him another story as he walked. The morning was pale and dark. Willow trees shook slowly, and the wind was playful, like a child playing on a stage hours before a show. The music in his ears transformed what he saw, gave new meaning to things.

I love you very much. I love you, trees, I love you, wind, I love you, houses and street. You are showing me so much beauty and meaning right now. You are beautiful and wise. There is truth in you. The truth comes from a deep, peaceful place; you are not beautiful because I want you to be, you have always been beautiful, and I am blessed for being able to notice today how amazing you are. Thank you.

He was still walking. He felt as though he was still, although he still walked. He remembered feeling afraid before, afraid of how unattainable the beauty was. But he saw it differently now. If the beauty before him as he looked around while walking was a tree, he wanted to sit at its trunk.

I feel something. I feel like this is important. I feel sad because I don't think I can explain this properly. Its like glimpsing this sublime understanding the beauty gives transcends all the meaningless bullshit. I wish I could live in this feeling, I wish I didn't have to go back to the world of people. The world of people is dark and strange. So much wasted words, So many wasted thoughts, wasted feelings. I feel so sad. Why am I living in the inane place, pretending my life is made up of all those useless things? All my jokes really tragic, or schadenfreude. I don't need to hide from this beauty. I don't need video games. The hardest thing I should let go of is social. I don't need to worry if everyone is wrong about me. I cant spend all my time making sure people understand who I am. If someone thinks I am an asshole, I cant spend all my time trying to get them to change. I have to believe that I am not, and follow that beauty I saw while walking. No more running, no more fighting. If I am supposed to be a kind and gentle person, let the beauty I see in the world compel me to do so. I'm going to listen harder to myself, my primal self.

Peace is attainable

something for you

also, im doing well. concert this saturday! add the event "Party all the Time" on facebook for details.

Puking since 11am, sleeping till 8pm.

im in a sickly haze!

AWW!

it makes me want to use my healthy time better.

Strange day. I finished writing a song, and I really like it. Four hours later I have serious doubt about being a musician at all, which is really weird for me.

I want to write a song about you

because I love you very much

and I know I love you this much

because the notes are speaking to me


my thoughts, formless, are trapped in

trapped into these words now

there is no going back

falling backwards, its a nice feeling.

people are hungry

I have food

how much food would 8$/hr Canadian buy me in Vietnam?

Re:

Ok, im testing out posting from my DSi. Slow and steady progress! Im
on a adventure right now, im in a classy lodge overlooking a forest
and a lake. Im sleeping in a yurt... but a yurt made up like a fancy
hotel room. Lots of thinking, lately.

My guitar lies on its back, staring at the ceiling. I ask it what it's
thinking about, but it wont tell me. All it says are old songs. "Why
don't you come up with something new?" I ask it. It just laughs.

On 9/23/08, Jesse Easter <shadowmysteri@gmail.com> wrote:
> L
>
> Love is in the world today.
> Smiles and happy and PEOPLE!
> You and you and him and her and I'm leaving, I feel like June in
> school. In grade 12. How do people keep up with all this? The love, I
> mean. I fell in love with so many people lately. And I've been away.
> Away from the people I loved before. And it wasnt so bad! I love them
> still and I loved new people too. I remember something I admired about
> Mark. Wherever he went,he would randomly run into people with whom he
> was friends with. When I was younger and I saw this, I thought so much
> of him. You've met so many people, and they love you! Now wherever you
> go you will likely encounter someone you love. What an amazing
> feeling. I wanted that. Now I'm closer than I was 8 months ago. I love
> you. You know who you are.
>

for the past few weeks ive been sleeping with an instrument- either my guitar or trumpet. Death is scary because I cant really comprehend it. Everyone wants to be a free spirit who affects the people he rebels from. Im not the musician I want to be yet, but I like trying. Im not the man I want to be yet either.

Never again
will I use
my eyes to
slip into
the lovely room
that's coloured blue
my eyes are blue
and green and grey, too.
They reach into you
reach until they do
what they were designed to do
compel and pierce you
control and contort you
but they don't belong to you
so I promise to use them
Never Again

Im not on the edge, im in the centre. everyone else is on my edge!


erm.

Ok so selflessness.

Selfless love is the most beautiful love. The love that makes you finally for one moment not see the world from your own confined self, but to really see it as someone else- caring about someone like that. Selfless love! I want selfless love, but the catch is ill never ever be able to love someone selflessly. So, I selfishly want to be loved selflessly by someone. Wow... that person would have to be really...

Selfless!

I love you! I am so sure I do. The love feeling pulls me around, pulls me around. Just please, please, please, tell me who you are!

my hands ache, but my fingers need to move. I lie awake haunted by all the chances at love ive been given. Ive had more women worth building a life around than Ill ever deserve, and ive thrown it all away. Ive seen true beauty, the memory of true beauty is the deepest sadness Ill ever know. I love you. I remember exactly how it felt to love you like I did then. Ill remember forever, so Ill love you forever. I guess im just tired of love. How it grabs you, compels you, rings you out, makes you doubt.
makes you think, makes you scream, makes you change how you used to be. Shapes you dreams, shapes your face, shapes what you sense when that person is in the room. All i ever think about is all the different loves I had. Each one beautiful and perfect, each sacred enough to occupy my mind forever. But there are many of them. I dont need your attention, yet my words go online. I am full of shit.

sometimes when you talk about
your life as you live it out
your eyes want to scream and shower
at lies that were given out

you should know
should i know

so then you try to turn around
and figure life is all about
the happiness you find
in a simple lullaby

and you will try to take it out
by stomping 'round the fertile ground
and killing little seeds of a grass that's yet to be

and you will find

me in the make of a melody
you in the heart of the harmony
timing the time that we start to sing
long with the time of you heart beat

and we will be rid of the weight
that's been placed upon or little backs
a weight that surely had to crack
and i will shout out to the sky
and i'll sing aloud my little songs
that help me move the day along

There is a better way than the way you have it
There are nicer worlds than force of habit
Eight months poor in someones house
Nothing but focusing on Nothing But
Led to a Captain Beefheart album
To scared to laser beam music
Like Captian Beefheart lasered
Eight months just rehearsing
I drag on to this feeling now
Living simply because it is
It is what it is, simply is
What else could it be?
What else could I be?

The afternoon Nap

I read some of a magazine.
and sipped orange soda.
The foodcourt was full of people, but my noise cancelling headphones made it feel like I was alone. Still tired, I had an hour before work. My head rested on the table. I let the music take me into a daydream. I experienced a feeling of contentment.
I can feel content sometimes. Usually with music, exhaustion, and memories.

its the same sunlight
same as the day that I met you

and when it rains at night
please dont forget its the same rain too.

and big weekends, especially in summer
they still happened. dont forget.

and when the fog rolls in
so that you cant see up ahead

why dont you smile?

FUCK

THE

COOL

KIDS

Things just go this way. You are making out with a guy who looks like a pretentious bearded douche bag. We are hanging out at your BIRTHDAY PARTY while you make out with him in the kitchen. Ill admit I wish on some level it was just me instead making out with you, but I think I wouldn't do it while the rest of your party sits around. OK, now *******(persons name) left. You now have 4 guys here, (me and 3 guys I dont even know) sitting here. At least the tunes are ok! But shit this is rude and awkward making, and how you guys are back and milling around like nothing happened so dont worry just have ...( it gets illegible from here on)

when did telling each other about ourselves become conversation?

Im filling up my notebooks, you know.

you are a memory or two. actually first you are a part of me. you are who I am.

you see who I am is about what ive done, because certain things that ive experienced mattered a lot to me. They left an impression, you know? they changed the way I saw things and did things in the future. And you- my impression of what it was like to spend time with you- that thing, that thing has left a huge impression on me. Its hit me like a brick to the face, and since then ive seen the world only in relation to that big thing. I cant just say you mean a lot to me, what im saying is who I am, and what Im doing and how I think and what I feel- its all been shaped by a whole lot of chaotic stuff, yeah- but one big part of it is you. I love you because I AM you.

There is so much out there. I could spend all my time just collecting the stuff. The list of things you should know- cause if you did you would be better off- is infinite. Just too big,too many songs, books, paintings, conversations. Thats a really happy, beautiful thing. That mans if you go out looking, there will always be more to see. Thats your secret, beautiful weapon. No matter how trapped you feel, there is always something you would LOVE out there waiting for you. If you have a computer and Internet, art is an all you can eat buffet with and infinite menu that you can go to whenever you are hungry, for free. Its a bottomless rabbit hole.

Remember you should do your best to control what you consume. Thats why I don't have and easy time trusting one message, uniformly sent to everyone against their will. Don't trust television. Don't trust anything that sends one uniform dogma to millions of people against their will. UNLESS it reminds you to think for yourself as a caveat to its opinion.

ok so two people work together and their lives outside of work are told like two stories. work is where they send bits and pieces of their stories to each other. Maybe one person covers the others' shift, and how it affects their lives.

Connect the sounds, connect the words.
Trace the way they fit together.
Focus, form, create a coherent idea.
Believe what you are doing matters.

Your food is people who like what you do

Needing people to care about your art. I have no idea if thats a good thing. CHASE any compelling, inspiring emotion or sentiment you have. They are why you are alive. If you feel bad, in a bored or pointless way, DO something. Try something new. Life is only pointless when you have lost your point. If you can convince yourself that the world has something, anything to do that is better than boredom, then as long as you pursue it, your life has meaning. Smile! You have so much to be proud of. Be proud of all that people have done to express their lives through art. Be proud of your attempt at creating something. (and don't worry about people "getting it") if it felt right to create whatever you made, that is enough.

I was on a greyhound bus headed for Victoria
I met a girl on the bus, she had blond hair and a red sport jacket. she was sophisticated, intelligent. we talked, and she really impressed me. then she offered to go to dinner with me. she took me somewhere to eat, we ate, we talked, and we each paid for our meals. then she left, and I never saw her again. this was a couple years ago, but I dont think Ill ever forget her. I think her name was erica.

Im chasing a certain state of mind. I dont think its peaceful, but it comes with a strange kind of contentment. You know nostalgia? How good you feel about a memory; so good it aches?

Imagine that feeling. Only instead of for the past, its for forever. Being completely overwhelmed by the romantic beauty of all there is, was, and will be. The purity and overwhelming, aching joy that comes with a certain particularly positive mental spin on moral relativism.

I remember sitting on a beach once, and my friends asked me to come in the water with them. I couldn't. I sat on the sand, the only sound being the waves. I just kept thinking "I want peace!" But my mind was not peaceful. I remember looking at all the things in the world I was not in harmony with, and I remember telling myself that if they were gone, I would feel peaceful. There, sitting on the beach, with nothing to see but the water, and nothing to hear but the waves, I screamed out, "PEACE! I want PEACE!" I yelled, I had a nervous breakdown. I wanted music, without music to focus my mind I couldn't stop thinking about all the things and people in my life. No matter what, my brain buzzes. And it can really hurt. But, its not nature or waves that I needed, its music! Right now, I feel good. That nostalgic thing I was talking about. A big part of it is because of the music I'm listening to right now. "I can feel it fade like an AM single" by Spoon, and "Heavy Vegetable" by Slint. I'm not worrying, and I feel like this instant im in right now is where I'm supposed to be. Drinking oolong tea at a coffee shop, before work. Now, to translate this feeling into music... yeah. And love, and people. Getting this feeling WITH someone else would be nice.

I thought I recognized you when I saw that ass.

Turns out, unstoppably sexy women who just happen to be shaped exactly like you from behind exist.


I guess that makes not fucking you anymore a little less sad. OH! Wait! this one has a birthmark to the left of her spine, partially covered by the top edge of her halter top. Her face seems less disdainful too... then again. I don't know. fuck! her ass has magic powers! She must know im here writing right now. no one shows off an ass like that subconsciously... do they? Jaysus she is how! I need a cold shower. or sex with this woman. actually... yeah Id rather have the sex.



AHHHHH

Self Esteem


-the moments you feel in love with a person, place, thing, or idea are infinite. As long as you remember them, you are constantly experiencing the joy that they come with, if you want to.

-If you have the capacity to love, you have the capacity to be loved.

-If you sincerely care about someone, someone will sincerely care about you. If you feel inspired by someone's art, someone will be inspired by you or your art.

-If you are truly trying, that is enough.

you probably don't meditate daily. Thats ok. Think carefully about your daily routine. Is there a particular time where you find yourself waiting with nothing urgent to do for at least 30 minutes? During this time you can meditate. I use this term loosely. I I define meditation here as any conscious effort towards any form of better understanding of yourself, or even yourself in relation to others. Try these:

-music -writing -reading poetry -knitting -breathing, focusing on your breath -wondering -thinking -letting your mind rest on particularly nostalgic or important memories -being honest with yourself about your current state of mind, needs, feelings.

And feel free to mix and match these.

I do NOT recommend:

-video games -Books that tell a story that doesn't reflect on your life, desires, feelings -Tv -Movies

Good times, with your friends.

a new song, you love.

a new romance.

a road trip.

Ive got a desire to chase these.

Being a musician might get me there.

It feels great to meet new people, do new things, go to new places, hear new songs. The rush that comes from possibilities, maybe that's one reason I'm here.

-go to any art or music event, especially things which are DIY or youth associated.

-make a sign hang it anywhere:
-you are not alone
-someone loves you
-find peace
-etc

-Be open, kind, welcoming, and joyful towards people, especially those you have just met.

-Make things for people: mix cds, art, clothing, homemade food, fix something they broke... etc. anything tangible. listen to what they need.

-most of what people desire is never stated clearly, or with words. Do your best to sense the nonverbal stuff, and just do your best. Be satisfied that you are trying.

-Take some time to make sure that who you are and what you believe is reflected as best as you can in your appearance.

-When an idea, a piece of art, sex, a conversation, or anything you take in with your senses fills you with emotion, express it in a way that gives it a kind of permanence. This could be music, painting, drawing, sculpting, knitting, associating a song with the event, sex, a change in how you treat someone, whatever. Just DO something with it that you will remember.

-Be honest with yourself... dont be afraid of questions. questions will lead you to truth.

-Share these tips with people you think will benefit from them.

Ten Things

1. Surviving Desire by Hal Heartley

2. Once upon a time in the west by Sergio Leone

3. Jailbird by Kurt Vonnegut

4. The Perks of Being a Wallflower

5. Free Culture by Lawerence Lessig

6. F#A#oo by Godspeed You! Black Emperor

7. Chrono Trigger, by Squaresoft

8. The Decemberists

9. yesbutwhatdoesitmean.blogspot.com

10. An earnest and committed desire to understand me, you, those you love, art, everyone, everything.

PSST something is coming, soon

Wow. A whole week without posts. Partially, my keyboard was dead. beer poured on it. not even my beer. partially, time is slipping away...

I like Devendra Banhart and following my dreams

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/steven_pinker_chalks_it_up_to_the_blank_slate.html

I like this!

Its too red, its too much more than less than the most of before. Colours and happy and smile now please? and car rides when you were younger and lyrics that JUST FIT. THEY JUST FIT OK? I hear how they fit and I feel like I know what its like to make them fit, I feel like it was me that pieced them together. I feel like I was in the room writing them, but Ive never heard them. That feeling like you knew them before you heard them. Someday Ill be able to write those, not just feel like ive already been doing it. Ill keep trying. and... Ive got soo much left to do and see and experience and love and smile and kiss and run and scream and giggle in my strange little way and where did the negative come from?

lots of things and things and things. Life is ok and also more than and less than. Im going to shambhala! and im doing some things I need to do, which feels good. Getting in touch with family is always nice :) also... things. and things. Plastic Chair Explosion, Detective Collective, and some of my own things are ongoing, doing things. Ill link to my vimeo sometime; i have some videos of victoria things there. seeya!

theres a light

and its not a light

and its a place

and the place is wide open

plains maybe

and that place is in me

my head or heart, dont know

but its there

and when I can see it I feel infinite

and when I show it to people, and I think they can see it, I feel infinite

and whats so bad about being in love with love anyway?

What is it that keeps you from perusing your dreams?

Is it fear?

Is it lack of confidence?

Is it family and friends who tell you you can't do it?


Those questions keep me honest. and kind of a prick.

I AM SITTING HERE GOING CRAZY AT HOW INSANE IT IS TO EVEN POST THIS. FROM THE VANTAGE POINT OF BEING A PERSON WHO EXISTS MINUTES AFTER HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE, I DO NOT AGREE WITH WHAT I SAID. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I DISAGREE OR HOW MUCH, BUT THIS IS "A" ME, NOT A PERMANENT STATEMENT OF TRUTH OR WHAT I BELIEVE.

____________________________________________________________________________
Jesse

http://www.soallmayeat.org/

this makes me happy

its a restuarant where people pay whatever they want to

and those who cant pay anything are encouraged to volunteer for them for a while

but they dont have to

people with money and those without eat together

and they are actually making enough money from this to cover costs

puts faith in humanity

and it doesn segregate the poor from those who have money

3:35amXXXX

hmm....

3:35amJesse

just seems like a neat idea

3:35amXXXX

the collectivization of farming would make this an ever-present possibility

3:36amJesse

yeah

its only a small scale model

but man

its working!

3:36amXXXX

but freedom like that can only come from chains

3:36amJesse

its no revolution, but its somehting

3:36amXXXX

it's interesting yeah

3:36amJesse

and it makes people think when they hear about it

and that is enough

id like to have more of them

tonigstrange nightht is a

tonight is a strange night

I just got a DNA test back confirming who my father is

he wanted me to call him,

but its too late, he is sleeping.

ive never met him, but we exchanged email recently

i dont think ill sleep tonight

3:40amXXXX

that would make for a strange night, you're right

i don't envy that sleeplessness

3:40amJesse

actually its a nice feeling.

sort of excited

plus I tried MDMA (dont worry, it was pure) about 36 hours ago, and im just coming off it.

have you ever tried it? its a strange feeling. its the only substance ive tried where you are still lucid and in complete control of your mind and body.

3:41amXXXX

yeah, i do drugs of that sort frequently

ecstasy has an easier comedown because of the speed

mdma is a diving board

3:42amJesse

mm. I dont know if I would be a regular, but I could see having 200mg over the course of a day once in a while, if I plan it out.

3:42amXXXX

i don't mean regular

3:43amJesse

mmhmm

for me it would probably be every 1-2 months or so, probably closer to 2 months

3:43amXXXX

i do whatever is there

there's no harm in it if you're not an idiot

the key is

do not think about it so much

3:44amJesse

from a health perspective, its harmless to do it infrequently. even safer than alcahol, I think. I could see a mental dependance.

3:44amXXXX

drugs are not religion

3:44amJesse

thinking is religion

3:44amXXXX

drugs are not thought

3:44amJesse

mhhm

drugs can be a conduit , a lens for thought

but shouldnt be used to repress

3:46amXXXX

don't flop around in some lousy youthful diatribe pond before you have a chance to feel the river fella

i mean

don't go into anything with pretense

3:46amJesse

fair enough. if we all question ourselves often enough, hopefully pretense can be avoided.

but really question.

3:46amXXXX

you might as well walk into the ocean right now if you're going to approach anything with anything like that as your sidearm

3:47amJesse

mmhmm!

man, assumption of having some kind of superior or deeper understanding of something, of belonging to an enlightnened group

thats a hard feeling to get rid of when you feel like you are more open

but in a way it closes you

its kind of sad

I think that was an impression I got from teh chrome horse at one point.. i remember talking with erin about it

3:48amXXXX

hmm

3:48amJesse

its really hard to be accepting when you think you are already accepting

if your actions reject people who you precieve as not worthy of acceptance, maybe because they are seen as not accepting themselves

loving those who dont love, tolerating the ones who wont tolerate

3:49amXXXX

let me tell you something

well, your little group of friends was what destroyed the chrome horse

let me tell you something

3:49amJesse

not because you are better, but because no one is.

wow!

3:49amXXXX

you.guys.thought.you.owned.the.place

3:49amJesse

that is a lot of credit.

3:50amXXXX

i'm not "crediting" anybody

3:50amJesse

I agree that its possible that its true that we did that.

do you agree its possible that we didnt?

cause if we arent coming from that kind of view, I dont see this as a discussion.

3:52amJesse

although to be honest ive never seen it that way, so if your view helps me get a better picture of what happened, im glad you are taking the time to let me know

instead of dehumanising me and not talking to me directly as a way to vent

you already have my respect, is what im saying

3:53amXXXX

no

don't talk about dehumanising for sure though

anyway

it's a pointless matter cuz it's done with

3:53amJesse

i dont think so.

3:53amXXXX

no

3:53amJesse

I think I could learn from it.

i mean if I contributed directly to something as awesome as the chrome horse being fucked over, id like to not ever do it again.

do you think we had respect for you guys?

3:54amXXXX

yeah, it happened

donezo

no

3:54amJesse

do you think we admired you guys?

3:54amXXXX

probably

3:55amJesse

ok, so the intention was there, but the actions didnt work.

do you think you guys were welcoming to us?

3:55amXXXX

no

3:55amJesse

ok, well fuck cliques and fuck you is my first emotional response

but i mean something different

when i make it logical

music is beautiful. and we all feel that

3:56amXXXX

haha

3:56amJesse

the ability to express anything in a way that works better than words on paper is awesome

3:56amXXXX

if you said that, it would be hilarious

3:56amJesse

semantics

but i know cheesy right

3:56amXXXX

yes

3:57amJesse

anyway, we didnt really come there to win a fucking battle of the bands. we came there cause we had nowhere to play in parksville, we were a new band, and we were excited to play some music.

3:57amXXXX

stuck up kids popping in to play a few songs and tell us to get off the stage and shittalk us for being drunks in our own HOUSE basically

will not be taken too well

3:57amJesse

hahahaha

who was stuck up?

humanize those you disagree with!

we were all stuck up from someone elses point of view man

3:58amXXXX

DONT tell me to fucking humanize ANYBODY

3:58amJesse

I dont personally think anyone was really stuck up, but I could make an argument for anyone.

I can and I will

3:58amXXXX

you are fucking ridiculous

get some EXPERIENCE

the day you are fucking crawling with hunger and begging for a cigarette is the day you can talk about humanizing

3:58amJesse

hmm.

can I tell you a story?

I grew up in nanaimo, mom on heroin until I was 12. I walked door to door asking for bottles for some school thing, then used the money to buy food for my 2 siblings.

I spend 12-18 in foster care, then moved back with said mom

then she got pregnant again and the dad fucked off.

shes a guilt ridden shell of a person

and I just met my father tonight.

assuming I dont have any experiences isnt fair and YOU KNOW IT. let your mental image of me change if the facts change you arrogant man.

everyone has shit

some shit is bigger some is smaller

i dont go around bragging about my fucked up life

4:01amXXXX

i'm guessing it's going to be about some horrible starving experience or something now

good christ

4:01amJesse

and I dont use it as a weapon to tell people how little they know.

4:01amXXXX

listen

we're all nailed to some cross

i'm not saying MINE is any worse than YOURS or YOURS is any worse than MINE

i never said a fucking word of that

i'm saying "humanizing" anything is ridiculous

4:01amJesse

you just did.

you implied I had no experience.

im calling you on that.

4:02amXXXX

fuck, that is from this fucked up chat lag shit

fuck, that is from this fucked up chat lag shit

i'm guessing it's going to be about some horrible starving experience or something now

4:02amJesse (quote)

you are fucking ridiculous

get some EXPERIENCE

the day you are fucking crawling with hunger and begging for a cigarette is the day you can talk about humanizing

4:02amXXXX

i never said I had any, for christ's sake

4:02amJesse

thats what you said, right?

4:02amXXXX

yes

i never said i did any of that, right?

OOHAEG"{APIEghQE{goih

AQvojIH[puehgW[RGAW3

AWPOUHPUHWRw

4:03amJesse

thats what pisses me off about the stereotype of a certian group of kids. its so much easier to break other peoples ideas than come up with better ones.

4:03amXXXX

gpoiuhvpuihSpuhSpb

4:03amJesse

anyway, I can tell you that most of the kids at the chrome horse from parksville are pretty stuck up

4:04amXXXX

yes

4:04amJesse

most of them were really young and from middle class parents and didnt know shit

maybe I was an exception but whatever

a few of them were just nice positive accepting people who never judged you or anyone else. but because they were young and akward and had middle class parents, they were seen as stuck up before they even said anything

and I guess I feel bad for those kids

cause judging goes both ways

to be honest I wish all our friends didnt come to the show. I wish we could just play for you guys. It probably could have been worked out then

but they (our firends) didnt know what they were getting into, and they came and felt akward which just made the whole room hostile

add to that they were all voting for us

and it was just a fucking shitstorm

I didnt like that eiether

it just didnt feel right

but man. I looked at you guys, and you had a thing going and it seemed like it was about ideas and music and being open with people who were open with you

and I liked that and I wanted to help and share

but it didnt work like that

and I guess im just really sorry.

I dont really know what ruined the chrome horse, but I know that night didnt help, and it probably triggered a bunch of shit

and im sorry

and im sorry

and im sorry.

4:08amXXXX

yeah, it's fine, i don't mind

4:09amJesse

but man, this fucking hipster shit is poison you know?

ive seen it over in ontario too

you get people who are nice and open and just really like making music real again by peeling back bullshit

but the fucking kids dress like them and you cant tell the real ones from the fake ones

and the bullshit just piles back on

and its got a different style but its the same shit, you know

its like those fucking hot topic stores

you buy a shirt that says fuck FOXNEWS and you buy it at hot topic and the company that owns them makes a deal and that shirt you wear is money in FOXNEWS's pocket and they are laughing at you

but you feel like you are doing something but you arent.

and they are just laughing at you.

does any of this make any sense?

4:13amXXXX

it is the most basic logic driving modern youth subservience

4:13amJesse

yeah.

man, what if the movement was just two words

like, QUESTION EVERYTHING

could that get fucked up and sold out?

4:14amXXXX

obviously it already is

4:14amJesse

i dont know

4:14amXXXX

resignation is the key to action

4:14amJesse

I dont think weve had a movement where all it was was QUESTION EVERYTHING

you get these barnacles of other shit

and it gets lost

4:15amXXXX

modern action

modern action

stop trying to fight the impossible colossus

4:15amJesse

but if it was just those two words

QUESTION EVERYTHING

4:15amXXXX

and work within it

it's much funnier

4:15amJesse

I dont think anything is more sacred than QUESTION EVERYTHING

4:15amXXXX

yeah that's trite

that is definitely used up

4:15amJesse

cause its telling you never to find anything sacred,

not even apathy

not even not caring

nothing is safe from QUESTION EVERYTHING

as long as your ability to question things is limitless, what can stop your mind?

despair maybe

maybe not caring.

but why not care?

4:17amXXXX

what do you mean

4:17amJesse

your cells want to live, so they care.

4:17amXXXX

it's not about not caring

4:17amJesse

your lungs move, so they care

existence proves that everything is trying

4:17amXXXX

it's about the impossibility of effect unless massed together against something realistic, IE 2010 or the WTO riots in seattle

4:17amJesse

so when you dont try, you dont really live.

4:17amXXXX

jesus christ

4:17amJesse

hahah

4:17amXXXX

you are impossible to reason with

4:17amJesse

but who gets do define that word!

realistic

4:18amXXXX

not everything is hummingbirds fucking chinapaper flowers in the yard

4:18amJesse

You are right there

I just cant figure out what real change is

and whether or not a riot thats big enough is the answer

I dont have any idea what needs to happen or what will or wont work

and if you have an idea, spread it

and thats a good thing

4:19amXXXX

okay, listen

4:19amJesse

all im saying is when people question everything, when people try and acheive something, its proof that people are alive.

4:19amXXXX

i can prove i'm alive by taking a piss off a balcony

4:19amJesse

I dont really give a fuck if we are run by 12 rich white men

what I care about is if people still try and think for themselves.

or at least know that thinking for yourself is even possible

4:20amXXXX

well allow them to

stop making attempts to push it like this

4:20amJesse

if one person is still doing that, than no worries

hahaha

4:20amXXXX

this is embarassing

4:20amJesse

but if what im pushing is THINK FOR YOURSELF

how is it pushing at all

4:21amXXXX

let people figure that out

4:21amJesse

im scared they wont

im scared society is making it harder to realize that you need to think for yourself

4:21amXXXX

"think for yourself" has been pushed for 20000 years

it's fine

let it run

4:21amJesse

im scared that if you grow up never being exposed to certain ideas and people, you will think you dont have to.

and that complacency is the source of a lot of fucked up shit

maybe, i dont really know

Im an asshole and a condescending douchebag about it, but im talking to you because I want to learn from you

I dont know how to say it without coming off as an asshole

4:23amXXXX

i'm telling you

TRYING to tell you

that in my "EXPERIENCE"

RESIGNATION is the ultimate cardinal projection of something other than attempted subservience

stop fighting something that exists in every single person

and realize that it is happening

you will never change a hong kong crosswalk

4:25amJesse

but it does change...

I dont change it myself

but it does change

and how and why

and do I affect that

4:26amXXXX

it's gonna happen no matter what

no matter the size of the riot

no matter how many kids shop at some mall

4:26amJesse

whats going to happen?

4:26amXXXX

no matter how many people beat off into a penman's sports sock and cry about individuality

we are all living in a strange place

it's gonna happen no matter what

4:26amJesse

whats going to happen?

4:27amXXXX

and if you think you can change it

4:27amJesse

what is going to happen?

4:27amXXXX

you're not thinking for yourself

you're TRYING to think for everyone else

4:27amJesse

one more time,
what is going to happen?

4:27amXXXX

THE SHIT

4:28amJesse

what shit?

4:28amXXXX

THE SHIT IS GOING TO HAPPEN

4:28amJesse

you mean, regardless of what people do, their actions will always lead to things happening?

4:28amXXXX

oil companies! t-shirts! smiling idiots! hypnotism on a global scale!

this chat thing is lagging

time to sleep

no

4:29amJesse

and that no matter what people do, it causes action, so even if it seems like you affect it, you are helpess because things cant not happen?

4:29amXXXX

i will explain this maybe some other time

4:29amJesse

hey wait

before you go

im glad you gave me your time. people die and time is a currency and people only hacve so much and for whatever reason i have some of yours now. thank you