slipping into the moment

Someone ive never met did something, and it changed how I saw something else.

my words arent coming easily. I feel wrong. What I do doesnt feel right. Im looking around for the right way to do it, the right way to be. Following my bliss doesnt seem to work, if it involves another person. Im feeling what im feeling, and I cant expect anything else of myself. These feelings are real. I want to cry, an end-of-the-rope "hey I did my best how come its not like I thought it would be" cry. Im grateful for the small things. I get to commune with my music. I get to find beauty and bliss in that. I have a job, a place where my body is bound beyond my control. I am grateful for that because when my body is out of my control, my mind seems to find clarity. Ive spent my whole life aspiring toward something more, being dependant on that "more" for happiness. Change happens, and I can affect the change. Some changes result in me feeling better, some worse. The hardest thing I can think of right now is accepting the change while in some way freeing myself from it. A me who doesn't feel dependant on predicting or causing things, while being affected by things I do. Fucking impossible

I just want