I wonder about people who dont comprimise on their dreams. What happens to those people?

I think I know of a few people who didnt compromise a vision they had when they it. They ended up getting famous and sucessful in spite of the fact that commercial appeal was never a factor in what kind of art they made. Lou Reed and Frank Zappa come to mind.

Whats it like to be someone on a mission like that? I feel like most people who persure an idea like he did could never be famous, let alone support themselves. And yet, he DID get famous. what quality do some people have that makes THEIR pure, unedited expression valuable? Im sure there are a ton of people who create without consiously trying to make their art accessible. Why do some of them get recognised, while others dont? what affects it? and, why?

My big question is what separates a great artist who never considered commercial appeal and a nobody who never considered commercial appeal? does there exist a real, tangible way to measure the value of art, seperate from popularity?

River and Girl (first poem ive done in a while)

Sitting, noticing, existing, being, living.

As people around me speak and move, im there, in slow motion.

Im in a Cmaj7 chord, drifing across a river.

I am a deep, slow river.

I no longer feel frustrated or upset with the logs and empty beer cans drifting across my back.

They spin and turn and knock into each other. They are busy chasing things.

Sometimes I enter a piece of driftwood and pretend I am one of them

Slipping downstream, spinning and bobbing up and down.

It makes me dizzy, so I look around, and I see someone sitting on the rocks.

Her eyes drift lazily along the river. She notices little things, bits and pieces as they float along.

I am the river again now, I play her my music.

My music is swift and loud notes combining to make something soft and steady.

She lowers her arm slowly into the river, enjoying the cool feeling.

I feel connected to her, she feels connected to me.

My crashing rythm enters her heart.

Her heart starts to beat in time my current, We are steady and strong.

Alright, 5 cool things that have happened in the last 2 months for me.

1. Finished my first studio-quality recordings, on a compilation. This was cool because to me its a big step for me as a musician

2. Went to a party full of metalheads, met an old friend of mine who I hadnt seen in a while and who had subsequently become a white supremacist, and eventually convinced him he doesnt have to be racist.

3. Had some very intense, very short-lived romances. Good memories!

4. Started college! love college. figgin love spending 8 hrs a day expanding my mind instead of 8 hrs a day washing dishes.

5. Met my grandmother for the first time, had a great visit with her. :D

Alright guys, the PCE has a big show coming up November 7th! itll be fun. its at The Vault, a coffeeshop in nanaimo. Whoo!

also, college life is good life.

Ok, so on one side, they are concerned, and want to help.
same for the other side.

and they both claim that the other side is lying.
hm.
why is it that people assume that there is a simple, one-word answer to lifes problems?

The right is concerned that we are losing our morality. They want us to care about each other more.
They cite the problem's source as the odd ones: people without families, people who arent patriotic, people without religion. They dont have the neccicary ingredients for morality (family, nationalism, religion). Their solution is focusing on your family, your religion, your nation. Then we will care about each other more.

The left is concerned about our morality, too. They also want us to care about each other more.
They cite the problem's source as the normal ones: white, protestant, 2.5 child-having families who havent been exposed to diversity, and can judge safely those who they dont understand. Their solution is tolerance, respect, political correctness, and loving those who are different.

All i see here is two groups who sincerely care about people, and want to help.

LISTEN TO FRANK ZAPPA!

his stuff... wow. aahhhh

I am not afraid of your sin, I am not afraid of you.
I do not wonder if you are lying when you speak to me.
I am here because I want to be here, and thats all you need to know right now.
I dont need you to become anything, I dont need you to turn into something I think is good.
You are on a journey, and it will unfold however it unfolds. Im here. Ill be there for you, but only if its right to do so.

Everyone deserves to be happy, and you deserve to be loved exactly as much as you are capable of living another person :)

The beauty... ahh. I dont treat the beauty right. When I see the beauty, hear the beauty, experience the beauty, the feeling is overpowering. Its like being washed away by a tidal wave. I think on some level my entire history of romance and relationships has been many attempts at experiencing this beauty, and having someone feel it too. I feel like that feeling is something I need to learn to share. I dont really share it very well right now. The words get all jumbled, I say the wrong thing. But this tidal wave is inside me, and it wants to get out. Man, if I didnt write these things here, I would have an even harder time, I think. Its like if the world could speak, its saying to me

"HEY! IM THE WORLD AND I AM BEAUTIFUL! I AM SO FULL OF MEANING! EVERY MOMENT YOU SPEND NOT IN CELEBRATION OF THIS IS A WASTE OF YOUR SHORT AND DISTRACTED LIFE! GO FRIGGIN LOVE SOMEONE!!"

So I say to the world, Ok world, Ill go love someone. And then I try, and then I fall. Sometimes I get some understanding, and I get moments where it really feels like they feel that thing too. That beautiful, wonderful, sublime thing. But things dont work out. I get selfish, or something or other. But guess what? Thats not going to stop me. Im going to keep trying. Because Fleet Foxes wrote "Blue Ridge Mountains" for ME to hear right now as I write this. They wrote it so I could feel this way. Feel like getting on a bike and riding into the sun. Feel like hugging and smiling. And maybe someday, if Im good, Ill get to cry with a smile on my face :)

reflecting...

alright so i guess im a musician now? I have a playlist on my comp that plays some songs I like. its go around 50 songs. Some of the songs I played on the Rough Diamonds compilation are in there.

So im listening to this playlist, and after a few songs, one of mine comes on, then more other ones play afterwards. I get to look at that song I wrote in the context of other songs. how does it feel? does it feel like a "real" song? Its a cool way to look at your work. It actually felt really good!

Damn it feels good to know you dont know what you are doing. Ill just say it out loud: I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING! I was in class today, and someone asked a show of hands: how many people had their lives completely figured out already? About 15 people raised their hands. THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I dont know what im doing. I dont know what im doing! Every single moment, every new song, every new kiss, every lingering moment of eye contact, every early morning jog, every new idea, every new challange, everyTHING thats waiting for me to discover it... I HAVE NO IDEA whats coming. And I feel like if I wanted my life to be planned out, it would just make the beauty of chaos in my life lessen. I know I have to make some choices- for example, Ive decided to give these courses my best shot this semester. Ive also chosen some courses for next semester. BUT! If something happens, and I am convinced that I shouldnt be at university, well, I WOULD NOT GO! I hope I wouldnt even look back. The amazing moments in life make me so overwhelmed I would cry... I dont know how to cry. I dont think my body can do it. I really wish it could sometimes, cause I get really emotional and it just feels like constipation or something... like my body wants a release that will never come. But I still want that feeling... arrgh. No, I DO still want those overwhelming moments where a new song and a sunset and a smile and a hug and eye contact all build up into this big fucking... ahh. I wont let me stop me from experiencing those good things wherever they take me!!!

I dont like that loop where I sit thinking I should be thinking differently, acting differently, doing different things. I wanna be totally happy with me in each moment, even as it changes. also heres a band I like

http://www.myspace.com/nailsalonsongs

"Balls"-ing and social experiments

Ok so a long time ago I had a computer in a public(ish) area. Sometimes people would use my computer to check their facebook. After doing so, they would close the window without logging out, or just leave the computer while still logged in. If I wanted to go on facebook, I had to log out of their account, then log into mine. I didnt like this, for some pretty dumb reasons. I felt as though someone had left pee in my toilet or something... I dunno. So whenever I saw that someone had left their facebook on, I would change their status to something involving the word "balls". "I LIEK TEH BALLZ", for example. This went on for a while. Some people thought it was funny, and tried to "Balls" me back, or balls other people. Some people were annoyed. I dont really do it anymore, but looking back on it, it sort of grew into something that operated independant of me- my mom was ballsing me, my friends were ballsing each other, etc. Its really interesting how people can spread ideas that take on a life of their own!

Sneezing feels good...

Im having a nice couple of days. I feel closer to something Im searching for.

Id love to get to know you better

but kids these days

the kids

they want connections and meaning and powerful stuff like that

but they arent willing to sacrifice or commit for it.

"Yeah, id love to sometime. that would me amazing. thats exactly how I feel. I know. Im totally there. When? Uh, well im doing this on friday, and this on saturday, and umm, I dunno, lets just not make plans and maybe something will happen"

Also im a hypocrite

Say you are on MSN, chatting with someone. if you press backspace when you havent written anything, you get a "bing" sound. Know what I mean? I LOVE listening to music where that "bing" sound fits with it. Ill just bing away to it, like jamming.

HAHAHAH!

the music I listen to varies, and I thought of one factor. NAPS!
good music to nap to: Feel Good Lost by Broken Social Scene. all downtempo instrumental-ish stuff. I like it!

alright, fuck drama, im starting a punk band! YEAAHHAHGAHHH!

anyone wanna be in a punk band with me?!

Throughout my life ive always paid special attention to people who consider themselves outcast. Whether or not its people making themselves outcast, or people being made outcast by a group, they look different, the act different, they think different. When I see people like that, I just feel this kinship. I guess I'm coming to terms with my weaknessess. Hanging out with outsiders makes me not have to worry so much :) I dont like apologising for who I am!

man I swear some days I wake up and its like im in a different life. everything around feels wrong, and I have no idea why. nothing to blame, nothing in particular to point a finger at. just.. uneasy. i think sometimes being a romantic kind of wears me down. I go out at night expecting to have random encounters with people ive never met that change my life. I mean, that HAS happened, and probably more often than I think, but I want more. arrgh.

Alright so im a webcomics nerd.

HOURLY COMICS

Different web cartoonists draw a 2 or 3-panel comic (really a sketch) every hour for a day, from when they wake up to when they sleep. I LOVE IT! its pretty cool.

ill link some here:

http://www.ryanpequin.com/otherprojects/hourly09jan03.htm

http://www.hourlycomic.com/

etc. go looking around.

ALSO WEBCOMICS ARE COOL!!

tomorrow I go to orientation at my university.

i love this friggin album that we made. its like a testament to the years ive spent in parksville.

and...

hiii!

man screw beauty.

so today, im playing at the biggest music festival ive ever played at (probably)

and my the CD me and my friends are on, the one ive been in the studio for months for, is being released at said festival (definately).

WOW!

This is why I love The Moldy Peaches


Mardi Gras came and went,
all my money has been spent.
How 'm I gonna pay the rent
sitting on -my ass/your face?

Who mistook the steak for chicken
?
Who'm I gonna stick my dick in?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

my former life i -had a sister/was a high roller,
I abused her and I dissed her/ walked my kids in a diamond stroller,
she got swept up in a twister/ found my calling as a part time bowler
first I laughed and then i missed her/ traded my wife in for a new green roller.
Who mistook these baths for showers?
Who fucked up that leaning tower?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

Oh, get on a greyhound and ride away,
different dreams from yesterday/ live on birthday cake each day
tell your -grandma you're ok/ grandparents that they're gay,
kiss her cheek/steal their money- and run away.
Me and my friends are so smart:
we invented this new kind of -darts/art
hit a bull's eye cut up heart/ post modernist throwing darts
smoking crack and -cutting back/crack.
Who mistook this crap for genius?/ who is dancing on the ceiling?
Who is gonna stroke my penis?/who is gonna hurt my feelings
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch,
sitting on the couch.

Oh -even your mother is a crook/people are shiny like a brand new book
but if -I get/you take- a closer look
there's shit on every -road you took/hand you shook
You don't believe me?
Read the book/ Look at your hand.
Who made all these things for killing?
Whose -empty heart/pussy hole- needs filling?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch.

Who mistook the steak for chicken?
Who'm I gonna stick my dick in?
We're not those kids,
sitting on the couch x 4.

well uh

A well uh

sleeping when you need to sleep feels nice! dreaming is nice too!
meeting new people is nice! connecting to new music feels nice!
existing in moments so perfect you KNOW you will remember them for along time...
that CAN be nice, but if im caught up in how ill remember it, it might spoil it...

I have 3 goals

1 Give all I can to bands/music
2 Give all I can to school
3 Spend money wisely

so wish me luck!