Hey, tonight I am going to talk about the saddest thing in the whole world.

Just kidding! I have no idea how to fairly judge what is more sad and what is less sad. I haven't had a "good" (read: long) post for a while, so here goes.

umm


umm

umm


Memory.. is


arrgggh



ARRRGH!


Music ! ARRRGH!



blah!



ok, ill explain this. When I find a song I love it triggers my memories. Broken Social scene, for example, seeps me in memories of past love, one sided love, and wistfulness in general. I keep getting flashbacks to girls who at one point knew me, and we cared about each other. Then, cause the internet is good for creepy people like me, I get to randomly see these people's lives on Facebook, etc.

I just stare at the screen and I cant stop thinking about the past. I bet you could have guessed this, but I don't really function like a regular person when it comes to relationships. I never really "get over" someone I care about. Its always there, one way or another. I can still have new relationships, and they are just as awesome. But as time goes on, I get overwhelmed with all of them, all at once. Fucking memories! I am incapable of forgetting each and every time I made her care. Each and every time she told me I mattered. FUUUCK!
SHE can forget, and move on.
Why cant I?
I cant stop loving people? this is weird...

ignore this one








im soo glad I got to talk to you today. Im still...
Arrgh

i cant control myself very well

I want you!

arrgh
but thats just that part of me, rambling.

I need sleep
I need YOU!
arrgh
but I need to do it right this time

careful
not scary
caring
not smothering
loving
not needy
funny
not offensive

could we ever be together? maybe? i dunno.
never say never
but no pressure on you
so, im not going to stress
at all
well, I will stress
but you wont know
or you wont be affected by it
cause I dont
want to scare you away
ARRGH

PACKIN!
i move tomorrow.
!!
!!
!!
excting!!
so yeah, if I dont post for a while, internet issues. should be online and ok pretty soon after I move.
busy busy busy!

oh yeah, something deep and personal...


I have a long memory,
and a toubled past.

I have a gentle hand
and a distant heart.

I have a knowing smile
and a cautious glance.

I have memories of you
I have memories of you
I have memories of you.

Weird, sometimes I dont write because im paranoid about who reads this, and sometimes I dont write because im depressed that no one will. Fucked up, eh?

In order for me to love someone, I need them to love the art that I love. I dont like that about myself very much. If a girl doesnt "get" my music, thats ok, but if she doesnt ever want to try and understand what connects me to my music, what makes me love it soo much, then I lose feeling for her. Wierd.

I save every note, email, picture, and message.


Is it masochistic to do this? Ive had many situations where I gave love to people, and received some back. These situations haven't ended well, but I still keep the memories. I also keep physical representations of the memories. I know its weird, but more than two-thirds of the serious relationships I have been in have involved writing notes or letters and passing them back and forth. When I get dumped, I have the ones they wrote to me, and they have the ones I wrote to them. Its intriguing, if neither one of us throws away the letters/notes, its like having the other in the room with you, saying "we were happy before". Am I being "emo"? I know I'm not special for dealing with these issues, everyone does. I am also not looking for sympathy or anything. Basically, I just want to relate whats on my mind without coming off as a whiny punk ass bitch.

...

That said, I miss you.
you know who you are.