Another vancouver one! it was a stimulating trip.

"
You're right, I'm sorry

Im not there yet

But im trying, I'm trying

so dont you fret none

about me, you see, I'll find the answer

to that question I asked about finding the answer
"

Another one from vancouver:

"
BEAT THE NOTHING!
until something comes out...
BEG THE NOTHING!
for something to come out...
Ask for nothing
It wont let you
dont ask for anything
it will disappoint you
"

Ok, another one from my recent trip to vancouver:

"
SLEEP BECAUSE YOU ARE TIRED OF BEING AWAKE,
DREAM SO THAT THE MIND CAN PLAY,
WAKE BECAUSE OF CIRCLES CIRCLES,
CIRCLES, CIRCLES!
"

Wrote this and a bunch of other stuff at the Sleuth show tonight.

"
Baby, ive got soul
cause when I should be sleeping
I'm writing songs about you-

Baby, ive got soul
Thats a guaranteed bet
cause i'm writing about a lady
that I havent met yet
"

(Wrote this one yesterday and today)


"
things wont always be the way they've always been

thats what I told you (thats what it felt like then)

when the air is like a cool drink of water

and you said I wouldnt have to meet your father

cause your face is all

its all I see when

when I think of you

which I often do

if you only knew,

if you only knew!
"

Ok this is the first blog post that is actually a blog post in a while. Lets take some inventory, shall we? Who reads this blog? Basically noone, I think. Do I mind? Sometimes, sometimes not. What have I been doing lately? Well, in midmay I got on a bus and rode it for days until I get to my dad's house in North Carolina, and I spent some time with him. Then I spent sometime with some other family in Alabama, then I spent some time with some other family in South Carolina. Then I got an a bus and rode it for days until I got to my friend Shauna's house. Then I spent some time there, and now im in a hotel room, on the way back to canada, three months later. Those are the dry details. What did it feel like?

I dont even know!

Ahh. What I do know is that my mind has been dwelling on a few things while ive been gone. Its like I can see a version of myself I want to be clearly, and I am trying to reach out to it. but seeing it and feeling like I cant get there hurts. It hurts really bad! I cant use certain details out of respect for certain people, but ive been having a tough time lately. I feel sad but not hopeless. what does it mean to be sad but not hopeless? It means that life basically sucks and is difficult but I have no intention of giving up.

Its kind of like this
"
I would like to be relentless
but you would think it strange
that i can close my eyes like that
and dive into your face

I think about you often
what more is there to say, but
I think about you often
among the fleeting days


"


Fuck I dont know. I need to be surrounded by passionate people. 

I wrote this a while after meeting someone on a bus, about a week or so ago:

"
you feel it but you wont chase it
to scared to embrace it. 
you like your life, you are scared to replace it
with something you cant see clearly
yet you know you want it dearly

chase it, damnit, dont wait for it, it wont wait for you
you cant, you cant! you arent supposed to!
you want to see first where its leading you
you cant, you cant! you arent supposed to!

Enjoy the ride, dont wish it stayed 
did you really think you could have it both ways?
"

Well, I found a ridiculous attempt at writing fiction locked away on my computer somewhere. I THINK it was from when I was in high school. Here it is:

"

    In a town with a forgettable name, in a country with an irrelevant title, one man will learn to overcome an unforeseen obstacle. Erik was sitting alone, concentrating on something unknown. The room was dark; the only source of light came from a candle held in Erik's open hands. The candle didn't truly provide light; it merely turned the darkness into shadow.  Slowly, a distant noise was heard. The sound was a haunting Tap tap tap takka tap tap tap, as though someone was hitting a stick against the side of a wooden barn.
   Of course, Erik was not in a barn, so this sound seemed out of place. He concentrated on the sound, trying to figure out where it was relative to his position. It didn't really matter, though, because there was only one way into or out of this room. He was ready for what was to come, or at least as ready as possible. Erik stood up, drew his sword, and walked towards the door, completely focused on the sound outside. Unfortunately, Erik was unaware that what was outside didn't worry about trivial things like walls.

   Erik slumped, breathing heavily. He didn't expect an attack from anywhere other than the door, but thankfully his subconscious self (namely his reflexes) served him better than his conscious one. His sword was lodged in the creature's torso, but Erik lacked the strength to pull it out. Miraculously, there were no signs of injury on his body. Erik had managed to kill this unknown beast, but he knew that there was more to come.
   Erik closed his eyes, and focused his mind on his surroundings. Suddenly the hole in the wall that the beast came though grew wider, steadily opening until the whole wall ceased to exist. This of course led to the other three walls falling down, leaving him sitting cross-legged in a peculiar setting. Erik lost concentration as the warmth from the sun fell over his body. He opened his eyes, and found that he was on a hill. Standing up to look around, Erik's eyes were met with a beautiful panoramic landscape. All around him were hills identical to his, spread out over an endless landscape in an eerily symmetric fashion.
"This makes no sense!"
Silence.
"Where am I? What the hell is going on?"
Silence.
Calm down. Don't forget what you have been taught. Focus, React, and Overpower.

   Erik focused on the sound. Where is it coming from? He doesn't hear it, and none of his other senses detect anything. Its as if his mind had thought something, which he didn't ask for. All he knew was that he had to overcome whatever obstacle came his way, not because he felt any virtuous or moral obligation, but simply because the singularity of his surroundings suggested he didn't have any other choice. These pointless and cyclical thoughts would eventually drive Erik insane, but thankfully he sensed that danger was near; an opportunity to focus on something he could actually act on.

   He jumped straight upwards. As he came back down, he heard a hollow sound from the ground. Erik leaned down until his head was a few inches from the ground, and rapped on the ground with his fist. He heard the same hollow sound. Remembering his sword, he walked over to the corpse of the slain creature, examining it for the first time. It was humanoid in shape, but larger in the arms and legs. The overall effect given resembles a hairless gorilla wearing a leather suit. With some difficulty Erik dislodged his sword from the corpse, and walked back to the top of the hill.

    Erik raised his sword, and swung straight downwards. Just as the tip was about to hit the ground, Erik froze. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, in fact he couldn't even breathe. He wasn't in any pain, and aside from the fact that he was still aware of his surroundings, it seemed that time had stopped. Suddenly, Erik felt a familiar feeling. Someone was using his mind again.

    Good job. You didn't panic.  Now,  you are ready.  

    A flash of white light came across Erik's eyes, and he could move again. More importantly, he remembered. A flood of thoughts hit his mind, and Erik realized that everything that had happened recently was simply a test, set up by his teacher. Erik wasn't angry at his teacher for temporarily erasing his memory, or even for putting him in great danger. Now he was in tune with himself, able to improvise in even the most foreign situation. 

    Smiling to himself, Erik let his body be drawn back into reality, where he had much work to do.

"

should we be forced to face ourselves?

less than a minute ago:

"
and I get worried sometimes
and I get tired sometimes
and I get jealous sometimes
and I get mad sometimes

but I got you sometimes
and I get you sometimes
and you get me sometimes
and what more is there to say?

I had a dream where everything was worse
but then I woke up smiling

I had a dream where everything was worse
but then I woke up smiling

when you make me laugh theres nothing better
cause when im laughing theres nothing better
"

I wrote down some doubt a while back:

"
no one will ever love me as much as I want to be loved

what does it mean to say that?

why even share statements that feel like that to read?

I dont know.

it might not be possible for me to be understood and appreciated at the same time.

maybe moving closer to one distances you from the other.

its nice to have it, so nice, so nice that it leaves an imprint after its gone.

I dont know

the imprint does something, I dont know what it does, but right now it hurts.

What does it mean to wish it never happened?

I was made to create

too much freedom will kill you

"

again, stolen from a conversation

"
I know im projecting, but
you deserve to get caught up in something you think is bigger than you
to be a part of it
"

from a conversation recently:

"
life is short, so I cant do anything, life is short, so lets start doing everything right now
"

Here are some more drawings

I wrote this right now, in a bed, in canton, north carolina, halfdrunk, wistful, listening to Horn Of Plenty by Grizzly Bear.

"
sometimes I think its tragic when the world doesn't seem as great as I want it to be.
Then I remember that imagining an ideal which is wonderful and amazing was made possible by this world.

funny thing, that.
"

I pieced this together from conversations with an old friend and reflections thereof:

"

how long have we been talking about how we shouldnt be talking about what we talk about?

I want to be able to say to you and the world, "I am on to something and I am pursuing beauty and I am doing what I love to do."

I want that to pass away and for things to just slide nicely

I would always be there for you, if you wanted me to.

I would always be there for you, thats why you dont want me to.

And the child in me screams "arent I worth it?"
"

wrote this one about ten seconds ago:

"
this love was good
could it be better

that day was good
could it be better

your face looked good
could it be better

I dont need it
to be
"

here are some drawings ive done over the last while.

I know I wrote this one on the bus over!

"
We like to visit each other's lives

never stay

you promised your man

you wouldn't stay

when you're gone, im still with you

I'll never ever be alone,


your arms, your smell, its in my head.
thats more than I can handle

and I like it that way
yeah, its more than I can handle,
but I'm smiling all the way

your man, he never did nothing wrong

yet you're still here, you haven't gone

and I've got all I need...
"

I cant remember if I wrote this on the bus trip or after I had arrived, but I definitely wrote this in the past couple weeks:

"
I am a lucky man
my only burden, Ive had since birth.
To Love you for all I'm worth.

I am not ready,
Perhaps I never will be.
most of the time I do not feel free.

for what its worth
I love you.
For what its worth
I know how crazy that sounds.

so it goes.

I think I also wrote this one on the bus on the way over:

"
I said, "I can only exist in relation to you"
do I regret that I said it?
I meant what I said, when I said it, dont regret it.
I do not hide from the fears
through they do make me tired
they keep me honest and humble
and I love you more this way.
"

I wrote this on the bus trip to north carolina a week and a half ago:

"
Missing days
twisted ways
god I hope this time she stays

I know how to take a hint
but why would I want to?

If I could catch this thought
I'd have a way to show you

He is a sensualist
and I, a seeker of truth

This is not where we started
This is what it became

what does it mean when I tell you I'm struggling?

It means I'm struggling.

yes, but what does it mean?
"

hello! in the interest of being a little bit more organized/professional with these random ideas/words I write here, im going to try and make a habit of describing the context in which the words were written to the best of my ability beforehand. Without further ado,

I found this written in an old notebook of mine from march 5th, I think 2009, could be 2008. I could have sworn I had already posted it here, but a quick search shows I havent... so here it is!

"When something really interesting and/or important happens, its sad if you cant remember it afterwards, maybe. I just looked in my notebook and saw and entry a girl I used to date wrote. It triggers this whole experience, this really cool, strange, interesting, visceral experience that I may have never remembered again if she hadn't randomly written about it in this very notebook. It makes me see things differently when I think about it. What if animals experienced the same way we did? What if the only difference is that we learned how to store experiences in a way that lets us experience them again and again? Human cultures around the world were preserving memories; individual memories, cultural traditions, etc. The task of preserving experiences so that they outlast our transient minds is the heart of humanity. It is the sole thing that elevates us, separates us, and gives our lives meaning. Someone wrote that the tree fell, and even though I didn't see if fall, I can try to know how it feels to have heard it. "

t

t
it's like I always say

I'll love you till you leave

but I forgot to mention

my loving, it would seem

made you leave, now I see

I'm not the lovestruck martyr

that I led you to believe

a generation of lovestruck non-committal self-absorbed idealistic beautiful and disgusting wise children.