Alright so what next?
Get a job!!!!

also...

hmm. some small changes. my comp is in my room now. Its nice. Im still in a band. we still play shows. some commitment is nice sometimes. Hmm.

Without limitations
Without desire
Without understanding

I don't understand the desire to live without limitations. But there really aren't many. So we are responsible for how we feel. Assert, but don't hurt. Right? I don't know. Who chooses which is meaningful? How does popular opinion measure against one person who touches you personally?

And what about not liking something? What happens when you think something is useless, pointless, annoying, stupid? What do you do when you are sick of something? How does being yourself stack up against treating people well? Master your own mind and you will be free.

I wish I could control what my mind has to deal with. Sounds, words, things you see- you don't control them, so they can hurt you. offend you. annoy you. make you angry, confused. Angry mostly, for me.

I dont know...

Man its not easy, and im a little surprised I thought it would be. I cant really tell much right now, but I know i am stressed and angry and hurt and sad and scared. but right this instant, I feel like im accomplishing something worthwhile. More info as I figger out what the hell is going on

see? this shit aint new. Frank Zappa, motherfucker.

Try therefore.

Add the word "therefore" to any statement you make that is defeatist or negative.

This is a problem that is caused by this and it makes me feel like this.

Those words can really hurt you if you just let it sit.

Try therefore!

This is a problem that is caused by this and it makes me feel like this. Therefore...

It leads your mind to look for an action. Something. ANYTHING. Then you start to feel better.

Ask yourself:

Am I respecting myself?

Am I fulfilling my desires?

Am I loving myself?

Ask yourself this before a decision, and I promise you will feel better about it.

"You like it cause its trendy."

"No, that would be dumb, because it wouldn't have anything to do with its own merit, it would be a choice based on wanting to fit in with something"

"Well, then you like it because you think it makes you different/unique/special to be the kind of person to like this"

"No, that would be dumb, because I want to have a personality that I discover through the experiences and emotions evoked from occurrences in life. I don't want the reverse; that I would feel forced to identify with something because my personality "should".

"Well then why do you like it?"

"I just do! I experience it and for what it is, whatever THAT is, I feel good"

Purity

Everything I do seems to distance me from it.

Music is some sort of flawed tribute to silence.

But despite how negative I describe it, it feels good. Real good. its just interesting to distill and realize that a blank canvas, silence, the ocean, and stars all scream at you how there IS purity, and no, you cant have it.

By the way...

I know the stars aren't blank, but somehow they feel as pure as emptiness. I cant really explain. Something about the subtlety and complexity, I suppose.

And when I say ocean, I mean the way endless waves look and feel. A surface in a state of constant uniform and chaotic flux is pure too.

I will worship these things, and I will never attain them. and in my fascination, I will create things. and I will feel better for it.

The show? great. My life? Confusing. I feel like i am going to get caught soon. Im not a horrible person.

It was a good show.

BIG show tomorrow. and Im singing! singing My Moon My Man of all things.

It feels so good

To step back

and wash some goddamn dishes.

It feels so right

To stop playng Warcraft 3

and clean my computer desk.

It seems so cool

To take a walk outside.

And yes, I feel better

Once ive played a little music.

And after a little music, it leads to a little more.

Then my hands hurt. Then my lips hurt. Then my throat hurts. Then I listen to some music, and maybe love some people. Then I feel better. Too many voices, too many thoughts, too many people saying to many things at too much volume, and I cant handle it sometimes! I wish the perfect person was here, so I could relax.

Hey!

don't lose sight?

Dont hide?

I like you better when you treat me nice.

Thats because Im a human, and thats what we do!

selfish?fuck yea!

I dont know.

Fuck! I missed band practice! ill come later, but still. fuck!

anyway im job hunting right now, pestering one place for a job, or at least comfirmation of something.

seeya!

PS the katimavik kids in pville are alright.

PPS listen to beirut more.

Watching more Hal Heartley movies now...

In "Trust", its suggested that love is a combination of respect, admiration, and trust. Im not saying I agree, but i like to think about it.

wont you come outside


Kurt Vonnegut

By Born Ruffians.

Funny, When I had heard this song for the first time, I had never heard of the man. Ive read a few of his books, and I feel profoundly lucky to have. Its crazy... I could talk about this song as a link to this author, and how amazing that is, or the song itself, and how much I love it. they are connected... I think. anyway, I feel compelled to do something with it, mabye mix it or something. especially the last 2 minutes or so.

yeah.

also, things are changing, which is always nice. I feel fluid. I have more things to worry about, but I find myself actually worrying less overall. Being careless means being in love more. Love in that I can live and not worry. loops.

So, you grew into your tits.

Alright.

Good evening everything.

I am a little off today, but not in a bad way. Just... lots of new things happening to me lately. But I love that, I truly do!

When I get lost in the moment. That is a moment of clarity. Lets just listen to music together at night, at a party. Lets just listen to music together in the morning, after a walk. Lets just listen to music together immediately after something horrible happens. Lets just listen to music together.

Lets listen and hear and feel and take our time. we wont talk, but we will communicate with words. Not the words you choose, only the ones that sort of come out of you. Lets be near each other when we feel like this. Lets hang out hoping these moments happen. Lets write these songs and feel in love when we play them. Lets smile and scream.

RESTART!

RESTART!

i fucked up. bright side? RESTART!

lets focus on music.

gunna get my complotz fixed, then go crazy on supermusiclife.

Torrents + proper file management = superavailable music forever.

Also:

We all wanna transcend, right?
some want to inspire, others want to be inspired.
the leader needs the followers,
the speaker needs the crowd.
the author needs the readers,
and I need you.
I need you to be here, because I need to matter!

WOOO!

I tried, and I try. and Im smiling.

Love! what are you? who are you? are you even there? its inside me. love, that is.

Its ok.

Im in a band and im lucky. Women have loved me, and Im lucky. a few still do, and im lucky. I have bashu, and im lucky. I have music, and im lucky. everything will work out.

G

G

That feeling,

Hmm. How to put it.

Listen to "Paper Tiger" by Spoon. Now, when you get to the part where
he says "and I will be there with you when you turn out the light."

Alright. So that feeling right there, that's what im trying to say. I
love you! I love so many people and so many ideas. I chase what makes
me feel closer to that moment in that song. Selfish, sort of. Being on
stage and being with you. What does it have in common? Feeling like
you are finally understood. Like you are getting across exactly what's
in you, deep down.

Currently playing:

FIRE EMBLEM

marvel vs capcom 2 when i can get it working... and... err...

FFTA2 for ds.

YAY TACTICAL STUFF!

Also im playing a show this saturday at The Mermaid's Mug at 7pm. 5$ at the door, BE THERE!

"I want to live a life of romance and adventure!"

"There's no such thing as romance and adventure. Just desire and trouble. It's desire that gets you into trouble."

"Dwell on uncomplicated beauty: The landscape, the sun on your face. Nothing touches you. Keep the image of your death cheerfully before you at all times. Gain perspective. Seek to clarify and comfort, not to obscure or mystify. Your aspirations are pointless; your ambitions come to nothing."

Stolen from Hal Heartley