"The "Night Blind Spot" appears under conditions of low ambient illumination due to the absence of rods in the fovea, and involves an area 5 to 10 degrees wide in the centre of the visual field. Therefore, if an object is viewed directly at night, it may go undetected or it may fade away after initial detection due to the night blind spot."

Browsing online, I found out that this is a real thing. I have experienced this; at nighttime I will cock my head to one side when I want to look at something, because I cannot see it if I look directly at it. Is this a good metaphor? I often feel like sometimes there are things that are harder to understand when you think about them directly. Hmm, what exactly do I mean when I say directly?

Mental issues often feel like this. You know the ones. If I ask you not to think of a pink elephant, you are more likely to think of one than if I just say nothing at all. What does this mean? Does it mean that some problems cannot be solved by mentally focusing on them? Does it furthermore mean that some problems are exacerbated by being focused upon? 

When I speak with people, I often repeat problems or mental trends I have been pondering. Its funny, sometimes my friends talk with each other and realize I have been bouncing the same idea off of each of them. It's nice to ask the same question of different people to see how they respond, to see perhaps a new way of looking at something. So I ask them about this. It sort of shifted into a new statement/question: what if what I have been calling "thinking" has multiple modes?

By this I would semantically mean the difference between a thought and a realization. Think of it like inhaling and exhaling. You can direct your mind somewhere, decide to go to that place. That would be a thought, inhaling. That is definitely a mental space where you can learn something, derive some insight. But what about the other side? What is an exhale? In this case it would be a realization. The feeling you get when you become aware of something not because you force yourself to "work" on it until it is "solved", but knowledge gained from having a mental space that is calm, a source of stillness. That stillness, that "exhale", is a place that, at least for me, has caused me to have realizations, epiphanies. I gain knowledge, I learn something, I become aware. 

What is the value of working for knowledge through thought, versus realization through stillness, calm, relaxed reflection? My mind likes the idea of "balance" as an abstract concept, so the first thing that comes to mind when I see two modes that appear to form different "sides" of something, I just implicitly feel like both are valuable and therefore I should appreciate the value of both. Are people generally oriented towards either ease of realization, or ease of thought? Do we crave one when we spend to much time on the other? Is there a natural balance we implicitly crave? 

I don't know. 

It feels good to know you're trying
when it doesn't feel right, well fuck
But at least you're trying
focus on that, maaaan...

It's important to make new memories
Cause the old ones dry out
Keep making new ones so nostalgia doesn't
wear you right out

I felt that way
now I do not
where it came from
no, I do not

It's time, its the time
It's the time to go right to it
give yourself something new to think about
give someone else something to think about

Things don't happen unless you try
when it feels too good, it will be
enough to make you scream,
scream, "thank FUCK I tried!"

Hold it up
don't hold it up
take your time
take some of mine
take me out
it's about time
do you ever wonder
do you ever wonder
do you ever wonder

If I understood love, I dont think I could enjoy it properly.

Care about things
Care about things
you know you got to
Care about things

Care about people
Care about people
you know you got to
Care about people

Care about living
Care about living
you know you got to
Care about living

Sometimes it's hard
it's hard sometimes
Sometimes it's hard
it's hard sometimes

but don't give up
just keep on trying
and don't ask why
unless you like lying

around in your heard
all over your brain
just make things feel good
and avoid all the pain

you know, bad things feel bad
you know, good things feel good
you know what you must do
you must run from the should

This song is a lie
but at least it's trying
I'm looking, I'm blind,
I'm seeking; not finding

please don't give up
please keep on trying
I love you, you know
Unless I am lying

A lie is a truth
that you want to be true
I love you, you know
I don't care if that's true
I want it, it's you.

I just sat and watched you dance through it
you know I couldn't look away
I never knew, what you could dance through,
And I was better off that way.

It's easy to tell you 'I'm glad that I know'
But it's easier still before I find out

This won't evoke it
It's not even close
This won't evoke it
It's not even close
Until I provoke it
This won't evoke it
Not since I broke it
It's not even close.

If I'm mad when I see you dance it away
I'm just jealous, I'm Just Jealous
If I'm jealous, You know I'm Just Jealous
Part of me wants to dance it away.

Today I don't know if people are born knowing how to be human.
Today that is not something I will assume.

I found an old one from when I was travelling. Here it is:

"
What is a memory? What does it mean? I can think of few gifts as reliable, few gifts as valuable, and few gifts as fickle as a fond memory. If the sum total of our real-life experiences truly do amount to more bad than good, more suffering than joy, it is the profound capacity of the human mind to reminisce and dream which balances the scales. It is in nostalgia for the past and curious awe for the future that we find salvation from reality, meaning from chaos, and soul from the mind.
"

I notice the changes-
the sense, the uh, sense of falling down
down into my chest. Stuttered -
There's no hiding this one.
I saw a movie once, you were there too
He did this and was forgiven
They both agreed beforehand, it seems,
That as long as I try, as long as that part
is true, Well, It all works.
But this hammer on my chest says otherwise.

It says "No".
It says "things don't work that way".
It says "there is a line. you broke this".
Because I am not everyone else.
I used to defend myself, or explain
That it doesn't have to be this way.
Then something funny hit me,
That's not how this works, is it?
It's still a punch to the gut
when I see you
This time, though,
I'm not so sure
what it's trying to tell me.

consider this a cry for help.

I don't want to come out, I want to take off
take off what you thought I was and
and just leave it on the ground
and stand naked in front of you
naked as someone
someone who is not defined in that way
someone who has a flavour, yes,
distinctions, boundaries perhaps,
but not those ones.
no, not those ones.
they didn't come from me,
and they didn't come from you.
so lets take them off, shall we?

oh, to have a friend
to debate feminism with
at two eh em.
we wouldn`t call each other names
we`d treat each other like humans
humans who want to help each other
but aren`t convinced we know how yet.

I have an ear infection today. I dont know exactly if this is due to me being indoors all day, how i'm sleeping, what I eat, or what have you, but my ear hurts. Its not exactly enough to warrant painkillers or going to a doctor, its just this quiet thumping feeling that reminds me every now and then, "hey, this part of your body isn't doing so well". This led me to googling "tinnitus",  a condition where your ears are ringing. Sometimes this happens to me, ill be standing around and suddenly I get this faint ringing sound in my ear that gets  louder, making other sounds quieter by comparison. And then it's gone, and I'm fine again. Don't know where it came from, don't know what makes it go away. I haven't written any sort of music or words or anything creative for a while now. I've been trying to determine whether or not I'm depressed. Do depressed people always know they are depressed? What if this is just how life is now? Things aren't necessarily worse than they have been, I mean some things have gone bad, but about as many things are bad as have ever been. Lately things have just seemed... distant. Things which would have grabbed me and shook me seem to pass right through me. I can't explain whether this is a positive or negative feeling, its just... different. I can't even say for sure it's LESS feeling! Its just like that ringing in my ears. Once in a while, everything just sort of fades away. There are probably good things I can make of this, though. Maybe it gives perspective. Here are some questions I've been wondering about lately:

-How do you know when you should stop being friends with someone?
-What makes some activities fulfilling and other activities less so?
-Why is it so hard to do basic tasks sometimes, like clean the house or keep up with bills?
-Where does motivation come from?


Anyway, there it is. I guess I wrote something :)

im hungry as i've ever been
hungry as i'll ever be


I want to nurture somebody tonight
I want to worship somebody tonight
I want to help you for me tonight

wont you help me to
help myself to help you?

what use is there to be
of no use to anybody
it feels so good to inspire you
and when i'm holding you, holding you

I dont wonder, am I doing this wrong
I dont ask myself, can I write a good song
I just look at you and find a seed
and I shine a light and fulfill a need

P

P

Into
Out of
Wait, what?
Oh, fuck.

Ty

Ty
The meaning of life is to seek out things that feel meaningful

This meaning aches but I need it

I don't know how much more heartache
I can take
Will I break
Am I already broken

I don't know what healthy means
Its different now but somehow seems
The same kind of pain that goes unspoken

It hides inside until we're alone


Why do I reach out to you
Why don't you reach out to me

DI

DI

It felt like you never loved me
Cause you don't feel it now

I don't know what's happening
I don't know what happened
I don't know
But it hurts sometimes

I watch you sing for me
I'm pulled towards you
And it feels like a dead child
But it makes me keep writing

All I can see is murder
All I can hear is a man crying out
He wants to live, he wants a chance
His last wish squandered, he falls away

Can I show you that?
Can that place be shared?
Who would want to go there?
It's not appealing....

Who is this for?
What will it do?
Should I want to escape this feeling?

I don't know.
Whatever this is,
I don't know.
The monument's falling

U

U
I could create
Elaborate
Ways to show you
a piece of it

Or should I wait
Elaborate
on what I mean
Sometimes it seems like

Saying the first thing
That comes to mind
Is the only way
To speak it right

Y

Y

I go to class to take it apart
I go on stage to put it back together

I couldn't tell you
Which is better
They need each other
They need each other

Opening your mind
Makes pushing how things feel
That much deeper,
Stronger, further.

Ty

Ty
The meaning of life is to seek out things that feel meaningful

This meaning aches but I need it

I don't know how much more heartache
I can take
Will I break
Am I already broken

I don't know what healthy means
Its different now but somehow seems
The same kind of pain that goes unspoken

It hides inside until we're alone

Why do I reach out to you
Why don't you reach out to me

U

U
I don't want composure
And I dont want closure
I don't regret that I've known her
Im not pretending it's over

And I know that it's not
In a way, that is to say
Oh fuck I'm falling again
Oh fuck, I'm falling again.

Y

Y
I hope you know I still love
I hope you still love, too
But not for me, nor I for you
The pain that brings just will not do.

Glass water, I'm thinking
Glass oceans are sinking
Within this, with thin lips
This one's not for drinking

But where did we come from
Was it just you plus me
This equation won't add up
We shared mystery

How can I explain it
When words fall behind
Behind it, beneath it
Beyond space and time

That's why I'm trying
To tell you with sound

That we we're together
No, we were together
in one way it's over
But memories hold it... closer

U

U
I'm not here to make sense
I'm here to make you feel something

Song for x

Song for x
I was walking by the central baptist church the other day
When I remembered how it went
When we last spoke

So here's to you
Invading my mind
A friend, a lover
These concepts collide

Some people change, some stay the same
I'm a tornado raging in place

And that damn snow is a canvas
For everything ive ever loved

I've spent the years explaining
To myself that it can't be done

Now that im here I know I was wrong
And doesnt it feel nice to prove yourself wrong

I

I

Do you remember when
Looking into those eyes
Was more than you could bear?

Deliciously, unbearably so.
Don't you just wanna get back there sometimes
Dont you just love getting back there sometimes?

What did it to you
Was it what you saw
Or what you knew the other
Could see in you?

What it was like
I stopped looking
To catch your eye
I stopped seeking

What does it mean
I stared at the wall
My eyes filled it
My mind, reeling!

B

B
I'd like to give you the cream
Of my mind, and I'm trying
To choose my metaphors better
You know it's just like, just like
That time
That time
I swear from all of me,
I'll be kind
So kind

I'd like to walk beside
Each side of whatever you might be
Do I need to know what I'm looking at
To chase it, chase it, chase it
I'll be there
Would you mind
Either way,
Can't blame me for trying

I think I have an open wound
I don't remember where it came from

My wound and me, free
my wound wounds me freely

I don't remember where you came from
I can hardly remember how it felt
but I know it was something I once feared

I once loved to feel afraid of what you could be for me.
I think that feeling broke me a little bit all over.

I think I have an open wound
and I haven't been stable in a while

the drift cant be fought, can it?
the hope and the dread collide

There's nothing quite like it.
Broke, unstable, gingerly caressing a wound.

I'll laugh, I wont mind,
when I find you, when i've made you.